I figure we’ve got five minutes before this video gets yanked, so enjoy this footage of Madonna eating the floor on her Sticky ‘n Sweet tour in Lisbon while you still can. Fast forward to the 47 second mark if the sight of her rubbing her ass cheeks and puss all over her guitar makes you ill. You know that song “While My Guitar Gently Weeps?” Now you can finally understand what George Harrison was talking about. May God have mercy on its soul.

True to form, Madonna kicked off her Sticky ‘n Sweet tour in Wales Saturday night beaver-first. You don’t make that kind of camel toe a regular part of your ensemble without giving center stage, and, apparently, a rhinestone-covered microphone all its own. Perhaps it planned on reciting the soliloquy from Hamlet, or maybe it just wanted to queef “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” Unfortunately, we’ll never know, because Madonna stuck it in her pants the wrong way. This brings us to today’s important life lesson #736: always make sure when sticking things down your pants that they’re pointed in the right direction. This goes double for ferrets and antique dueling pistols. Just trust me on this one.