Megan Fox’s career hasn’t exactly taken off since she abandoned the Transformers franchise — “Jonah Hex” and “Jennifer’s Body” were both huge box office flops, and her latest movie “Passion Play” is being sent straight to the five-dollar DVD bin at your local Wal-Mart. The Daily Mail says:
The 24-year-old actress’ movie Passion Play premiered at the Toronto Film Festival in September but is now being released — straight to DVD.
After numerous viewers walked out of the screening in Canada last year and critics branded it ‘awful’, a ‘mess’ and ‘an absolute car wreck’, the distributes have apparently cut their losses.
Passion Play is about an angel who is under the thumb of a ruthless gangster and is saved by a trumpet player down on his luck.
There’s “wooden,” and there’s “catatonic,” and then there’s Megan Fox. She makes Jessica Simpson look like Meryl fucking Streep.
A 3 minute clip from Tila Tequila’s yet-to-be-released lesbian threesome sex tape has leaked online (watch it here), and mother of God is it disgusting. I actually have a vagina, and even I don’t know what I’m seeing in half of the pics. Like (NSFW) here, for instance. What the fuck IS that? Is it the tip of an elephant’s trunk? The all-seeing eye of Sauron? Am I looking into the Sarlaac in the Great Pit of Carkoon? I don’t know whether to be terrified or aroused, so I’m going to go with my gut and just start drinking.
News of Ke$ha’ssex tape broke back in March, but the first of the supposedly leaked screen caps/naked photos just started making the rounds today. You’ll note that DJ Stolen (I’m not a detective, but probably not his real name) had the foresight to label the seminal fluid on her stomach for you, in case you thought it might have been snot or egg whites, because plenty of women like to do their cholesterol-free cooking topless. I just wish Lipitor had been around when I was growing up. It would have made breakfast with Mom a hell of a lot less disturbing.
Scarlett Johansson for Mango, because Ke$ha looks like a fat sk8er boi/gypsy fortune teller hybrid:
Good news, if you’re into grainy low-res screen caps of naked 18-year olds — Vivid is releasing some stills from Kendra Wilkinson’ssex tape gang-bang. Vivid says on their website:
Never before seen images from the Kendra Wilkinson sex tape will be posted today.
These provocative stills preview her soon-to-be-released Vivid feature, containing explicit sex scenes of the star of E! Television Network’s popular Girls Next Door.
Founder/co-chairman of Vivid Steven Hirsch [said], “We’ve been inundated by her fans asking for photos from her movie, and here they are.”
A release date for “Kendra Exposed” will be announced shortly.
It’s pretty obvious from the picture below that Kendra was already living the dream waaay before she met Hef. That’s genuine pressboard furniture right there! And you don’t find that kind of premium imitation leather on just any platform boot. It’s probably one of those fancy “vinyl/leatherette blends” I’m always hearing the girls at the strip club talking about.
The video for Christina Aguilera’s new single “Not Myself Tonight” is scheduled to hit the interwebs at 12:01 this morning, but you can have a little preview of it here. The Daily Mail says
The 29-year-old singer dons a red bra and knickers set as she poses provocatively in front of a fireplace, before wearing an outfit made entirely made of chains with just pointed pasties to maintain her decency.
She also appears to have a ball gag in her mouth in the clearly S&M inspired video.
In another shot, Christina wears a revealing cut-out swimsuit while bending her body into sexy poses.
What an apropos title! Clearly, she’s not herself tonight. She appears to be Madonna circa 1995 and Lady Gaga six months ago. I guess the title “Trite and Uninspired” just didn’t resonate with the big guns at Sony.
Sonya’s in tomorrow, so I’ll see you snarky bastards on Monday!
Daryl Hannah might be old enough to actually remember the Bay of Pigs and the debut of Mr. Ed on a three-channel television set, but damn if she doesn’t still look good naked. I always thought that chaining yourself to a tree was only good for making yourself victim of anal rape and sodomy, but apparently, it also does wonders for the physique. I’ll have to remember that the next time I’m wandering alone in the woods in Western Apalachicola.
With her clothes on at some hippie-dippy whale thing:
You can’t expect much from the man who brought you Decepticon testicles and illiterate jive-talking robots, but rarely do so many lingerie-clad models and tons of explosives produce such a feeling of profound disappointment. Welcome to Michael Bay’s vision of the Victoria’s Secret commercial, where everything’s shot from the ankle up, the camera never stops moving, slow motion is king, and fire has just as much screen time as the boobs! I think it’s time someone finally takes this one-trick pony out back and shoots him.
Are these pictures really stills from former Miss California Carrie Prejean’ssex tape? I don’t know, and frankly, this isn’t CNN. All I can tell you is that I found them on the internet and the internet told me it was her. If it’s fancy “fact-checking” and “source verification” you want, you might try iamahugefaggot.com instead.
Click the puppies for mega-NSFW masturbation action:
This clip from Carmen Electra’s supposedly “leaked” sex tape features no boobies, no vaginas, and hardly any tongue at all. It’s real Rebecca Gayheart home video quality, let me tell you. I’m not going to come straight out and say it’s boring, but you should know I got a bigger boner watching “The Life Cycles of the Mealworm” while alphabetizing my sock drawer. And I don’t even have a penis. So counting this video, that makes two of us with absolutely no wieners at all.
Sophie Monk’s new movie “The Hills Run Red” heads straight to a DVD player near you today, in which she plays a stripper who shows her boobs. That’s all I really know. I was going to do a little more research, but that would have required reading words instead of staring at her boobs. Which, ironically, is exactly you’re doing right now. Dumbass!
Several anonymous Transformers 2 crew members posted an open letter about Megan Fox on director Michael Bay’s official website — and they were, uh, less than complimentary, to say the least. The NY Daily News says
“We’ve had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies,” read the letter, which was taken down from the site after being read by thousands of fans. “And yes we’ve had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it’s very cringe-able.
Megan is the queen of… trailer trash and posing like a porn star… [and] a thankless, classless, graceless, unfriendly [bitch].”
Boy, that’s practically word-for-word the toast I used at my stepmom’s bridal shower. Except I closed with “And you’re not the fucking boss of me, Tina!” and slammed the door so hard a picture fell off the wall. I always like to aim for a strong finish.
At NY Fashion Week, plus bonus stills of her making out with Amanda Seyfried in Jennifer’s Body after the jump:
Megan Fox loved getting her lezzie on with costar Amanda Seyfried in the new Diablo Cody movie “Jennifer’s Body,” but Amanda was obviously intimidated by making out with someone so unbelievably hot and rife with raw insecurity sexuality. At least that’s the way Megan saw it. She told Us Magazine
“I felt more comfortable kissing [Amanda] in the movie than kissing any of the other people that I had to kiss. [But] I think she was extremely uncomfortable. I don’t think that — I know that. She was not comfortable and there was a lot of laughing — like, giggling fits that happened in between takes.
[But] I’m pretty sexy in it.”
Because God forbid anybody think anyone other than Megan Fox is sexy in this movie. Especially not Amanda Seyfried. Only Megan can be confident in her sexuality! That’s kind of her schtick, you know? So is being insipid, over-compensatory and one-dimensional — and I’m not just talking about Diablo Cody’s screenplay! Ba-dum chish!*
* That’s TWO in one day! I better go lay down now before I hurt myself.
