An unretouched photo of Lindsay Lohan at her Playboy photoshoot hit the interwebs this weekend, clearly reinforcing my belief that everything in Playboy is really ninety percent photoshop wizardry. And speaking of wizards, Lindsay Lohan is a fucking dumbass. Case in point (via TMZ):

Lindsay Lohan’s purse [containing her] passport, important probation docs, and [ten thousand dollars in] cash was stolen last night from a Hawaii house party.

One of her friend’s eyed a suspicious-looking local, and asked if he knew where the bag was. The local denied everything, but showed up with the bag minutes later… claiming he found it on the street.

Lindsay was so ecstatic to have the bag back, she didn’t bother asking questions — despite the missing $10,000.

Who other than drug dealers carries ten thousand dollars on their fucking person? I was gonna say “who other than black people carries ten thousand dollars on their fucking person,” but I thought that sounded racist. So I went with “drug dealers” because that covers that base without me actually having to say it. You’re the racist for thinking it.

PHOTO CREDIT: TMZ

Concert footage from Shakira’s show in Mexico flew around the interwebs yesterday because it appeared to show an audience member steal a ring right off her finger as she moved past (video after the jump). But that’s not what actually happened, because if you examine the video closely, you’ll see the ring is still on her hand the whole time. TMZ says:

Shakira was NOT the victim of a gutsy ring-stealing fan in Mexico last week… despite widespread reports to the contrary and a viral video which appeared to capture the crime,

Shakira’s publicist, Joseph Carozza, tells us, “There is no truth to this report. A fan grabbed her hand and she looked down. Her ring is still visible on her hand as she continued to walk through the crowd.”

So, in essence, what you have here is a complete non-story. Just like my sex life. It’s hard out there for a pimp Level 7 Mage with a 65 Magic attack and a 4 slot arc staff. Holla!

NRJ Music Awards in Paris, France earlier this year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Everyone and their uncle has a sex tape these days, and R&B singer Usher doesn’t want to be any different. Pretty soon couples will be passing them out as favors at weddings. Says TMZ,

TMZ was approached several days ago by someone claiming to have the sex tape. The person sent us a short video and two photos. We’ll keep this PG-13 and just say … the people in the video are both givers.

The video and photos are clear — it’s Usher and Tameka.

Sources close to Usher — without specifically admitting the existence of a sex tape — tell us they believe this video could have been among the things Usher had stolen out of his car back in December 2009. Usher reported more than $1,000,000 worth of jewelry and electronics taken — including two laptop computers.

Foster released a statement to TheYBF.com … saying, “Would I sanction a sextape being out? Absolutely not. I am a mother and entrepreneur. Sex tapes or pornography would not be my lane. I have no desire to be seen in that way.”

I don’t know why anyone would want to watch Usher and Tameka have sex. He reminds me of a black version of the Mad Magazine guy. And then there’s Tameka herself. I would only hope that after sex, she’s also go through your hair and look for bugs.

A few pictures of Brooke Burke at the 8th Annual Stuart House Benefit, because gorillas humping is not usually pretty:

The jeweler Lindsay Lohan supposedly robbed last month may have just shot themselves in the foot by selling the surveillance video to Entertainment Tonight to the tune of thirty-five grand. TMZ says:

The jewelry store has been working with a broker for the last few days and the video has been sold.

Lindsay’s defense is that the necklace was a loan … the jeweler begged to differ. So intent is critical, and if the jeweler is called to the stand and admits this was just a convenient way of scoring some quick cash from the media, they will have [little] credibility.

They’re saying that this could knock Lindsay’s felony charge down to a misdemeanor and ultimately really help her case, but I think we all know Lindsay is pissed. Pissed that she didn’t sell her copy of the footage first. $35,000 would have been the biggest paycheck she’s seen since her new movie “Herbie: Fully Loaded” opened 68 months ago. That’s a good three month’s worth of cartons of cigarettes and prophylatics down the drain right there. You can’t get that back!

Lindsay Lohan is a compulsive liar and a thief (see here, here, here and here), so when she went “shopping” at a Venice Beach jewelery store back in January, naturally a necklace went missing. And right after the cops obtained a search warrant for Lindsay’s home yesterday, the necklace miraculously reappeared. Weird coincidence, that. TMZ says:

Lindsay Lohan has just turned a super-expensive piece of jewelry over to cops that landed her in the middle of a police investigation.

Law enforcement sources [reveal that] last week the owner of an L.A. store filed a police report, claiming a $2,500 necklace was stolen from her business. The store surveillance video shows Lindsay wearing the necklace before it disappeared, although it’s unclear if the video actually shows Lindsay walking out of the store with the jewelry.

Cops got a warrant to search Lindsay’s home, but last night — before the warrant could be served — one of Lindsay’s associates turned the piece over to the cops.

This is just like that time Winona Ryder stole all those dresses from Saks Fifth Avenue. The only difference is, Winona could actually afford to pay for the things she stole. The only way Lindsay could afford a twenty-five hundred dollar necklace right now is if blowjobs and Marlboro Lights suddenly became legal tender.

Out on the day in question:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

It was reported earlier this week that a couple of Germans had hacked their way into a ton of celebrity computers, which might explain the timely appearance of these mostly-nude pictures of Christina Aguilera. As for their authenticity, I did some research, and 1) that’s definitely Christina’s closet, 2) the tattoos match up, and 3) she was wearing that very same outfit in her “Not Myself Tonight” video. That’s about the time I realized I’d spent the last hour and a half scouring the internet for ways to prove it was really her, so I ran a hosepipe from the exhaust pipe of my car, put “Everybody Hurts” on repeat and laid back and waited for the carbon monoxide to kick in. I had a degree, you know!

Whether or not those Miley Cyrus’ nude shots are actually her or not remains to be seen, but these newly leaked pictures from her stolen cell are definitely the real deal. And they are definitely more embarrassing. Everybody knows the only thing that goes with dreamcatcher jewelery is the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt!

Heidi Montag’s sex tape might not ever see the light of day, but one of her supposed co-stars will still get her chance to bare all on the internet — a “stolen” tape of Playmate Karissa Shannon doing the nasty has mysteriously fallen into Vivid Entertainment’s lap. TMZ says:

Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch [says] he actually laid eyes on the tape which co-stars Karissa’s boyfriend, “Smallville” actor Sam Jones III. Hirsch says it was sent to him from “a reputable third party” and that he’d “love to be able to release it.”

The footage in question sounds a lot like the sex tape Karissa claims Spencer Pratt stole from her house — which she’s threatening to sue him over if he doesn’t return.

Vivid’s chief isn’t divulging who dropped the tape in his lap, but does say he’s “very impressed with the quality and content.”

If it was a “reputable third party” who gave it to Vivid, then it must not have been Spencer Pratt who leaked it. They would have used the term “belligerent loudmouthed fame-hungry assface.” Maybe the cleaning woman found it or something.

Sam and Karissa not having sex outside of Trousdale last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Aniston and several other celebrities fell victim to credit card fraud after the owner of a Beverly Hills salon used their cards without their knowledge to buy herself a bunch of shit. According to TMZ:

According to court documents, Maria Gabriella Perez [of Chez Gabriela Studio] is accused of ripping off the credit card information from Jennifer Aniston, Cher, Liv Tyler, Melanie Griffith, Anne Hathaway and Scott Speedman … and “fraudulently [charging] approximately $280,000 worth of charges in a one year period.”

Perez had personally autographed photos of her celeb clients on her website … including one from Jennifer Aniston that reads, “Dearest Gabby, Thank you for always being so good to me!”

Jennifer Aniston has made getting screwed without getting pregnant an art form, bless her heart. Poor thing. The only thing that gets dumped on more than she does is a Boonaroo port-o-potty or maybe Snooki.

At the world premiere of “The Stench Switch” in L.A. last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Corey Haim’s death is now being linked to a “massive” drug ring that used stolen prescription pads to illegally obtain controlled substances. People Magazine says

Investigators have now found that an “unauthorized” prescription in his name was linked to an “illegal and massive prescription-drug ring.”

“We know there was a prescription pad stolen and there was a prescription written for him using that pad,” [said a California Attorney General] spokeswoman.

The ring orders prescription pads from vendors using stolen doctor identities. The pads are then either sold on the street to addicts or to people who are paid to fill the prescription and then sell the drugs on the underground market. The doctor whose name is printed on the form is usually unaware that his or her identity has been stolen.

That’s fucking brilliant. Who knew you could order prescription pads over the internet by posing as a doctor? And all this time I’ve been trying to pass off hand-written sticky notes to the pharmacy! If it hadn’t been for my grandma’s stage IV pancreatic cancer, I might have never gotten my hands on any oxycontin. This is really going to save me a fortune in gas money driving back and forth to the hospice center. Thanks, Corey!

And now Brooklyn Decker in J Magazine, because she’s not an ugly tweaker:

You’ll finally get to see JWoww’s… um, “wow,” because nekkid pics of “Jersey Shore” star Jenni Farley are currently being shopped around to the highest bidder. According to Radar Online

The photos of Jwoww being shopped leave NOTHING to the imagination.

In one photo, she is facing the camera, topless. It’s shot from the waist up and will certainly not disappoint her male fans.

A second photo shows Jwoww slightly turned, but with her back mainly toward the camera. She is wearing a skimpy wrap around her waist but that does not obscure the rear view!

The third photo is a full length topless frontal shot, where Jwoww is again wearing a small wrap around her waist and boots.

Sounds good, but how will we be able to know that they are real, bonafide naked pics of a Jersey Shore cast member when we see them? There are a lot of convincing photoshop forgeries out there. Well, don’t you worry, boys and girls. That’s why I’m here. I did a little research and discovered there are several key ways to tell if your Jersey Shore naked pics are authentic.

THE TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR JERSEY SHORE NAKED PICS ARE AUTHENTIC

10. They leave an oily residue on your monitor

9. All the photos are watermarked with the letters “GTL”

8. When you click on the thumbnails, Ronnie comes out of nowhere and suckerpunches you in the back of the head

7. You aren’t sure if you’re looking at a cast member or a post-op tranny

6. After you look at them, you find a bowl of “haterade” under the bed

5. Snooki’s date puked on them

4. They come with the warning “May stain clothing or skin; wearing gloves is recommended.”

3. They smell like pickles

2. There’s a crazy Israeli girl with glasses hiding in the lower left hand corner

and the number one way to tell if your Jersey Shore naked pics are authentic:

1. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, well, then… it’s probably just the house phone. Hey, better luck next time!

Leaving LAX with the rest of the cast:

Arriving at L.A. hotspot Voyeur:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online, Bauer-Griffin Online

Although she made a living off of being naked, reality star (?) Tila Tequila doesn’t want you watching her “stolen” sex tape. According to TMZ

Just days after she Ustreamed herself in a naked rant, a new XXX video surfaced on a porn site called 4tube.com featuring Tila in a very compromising adult position with a naked man.

Tila doesn’t know why the video is surfacing now, but she claims it was ripped from a laptop that she reported stolen roughly two years ago — and now she’s threatening to sue the site for posting the clip.

The only thing surprising about this is that it’s been this long without a Tila Tequila sex tape on the interwebs. I just assumed she already had one or twenty of ‘em out there. Didn’t you? It’s like finding out the Hanukkah Fairy isn’t Jewish or that your mom isn’t a whore. Okay, okay — settle down — geez, I’m just being facetious here. Everybody already knows your mom’s a whore. I was just using that as a frame of reference.

You can watch an NSFW 8 second preview clip here.

UPDATE: Now with unintentionally hilarious video of her taking out a chair during a live Ustream striptease!

All thumbs NSFW, unless it’s Ugly Naked Leprechaun Day where you live: