File this one under “No Thanks”: a Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel sex tape is being shopped around on the interwebs. Oh No They Didn’t says

According to an anonymous source, the former couple (Sarah is now dating Rob Huebel) recorded a 15-minute tape while on vacation a few years ago, but forgot the camera in the resort room - a worker at the resort is now shopping around the tape of the couple allegedly having sex.

Ew. If I want to see some flabby dude sweating all over a hairy ugly chick, I’ll just tie a pound cake to my stepmom and let my dad chase her around until his heart gives out. Won’t cost me a dime, and I still get the same effect. Incapacitating nausea is what we’re going for here, right?

Sarah in Maxim a few years back:

Lindsay Lohan has been accused of stealing over two million dolllars’ worth of jewelry. Again. That’s the second time in less than three months, for those of you keeping count. According to Radar Online

Lindsay had the jewels on loan from swanky Beverly Hills store, XIV Karats, from over two months ago but when asked to return the pricey baubles the Mean Girls star fessed up that she didn’t have them.

“Lindsay claimed that they had been stolen from her safe,” a source tells RadarOnline.com “They’ve disappeared. XIV are not happy about it. The jewels were in Lindsay’s care and they were only on a loaner, they were expected to be returned. If something is not resolved soon there will be legal action taken.”

And conveniently, her home was broken into just this week and her safe was stolen after she “forgot” to lock the door and staff “forgot” to set the security alarm! What a timely coincidence. Please. Come off it already! We all know the jewelry was traded for coke in some Mexican border town pawn shop. Seriously, if this little scheme of hers were any more contrived, it would read like a fucking Diablo Cody screenplay. Ha ha ha! Buuurrrrn, muthafuckas!

Looking like a crackwhore leaving some club last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

A wall safe and a couple of watches were stolen when three men broke into Lindsay Lohan’s house over the weekend, but you didn’t think there was actually money or jewelery in the safe, did you? Ha ha, of course not! It’s Lindsay Lohan! We all know she hasn’t gotten paid in months. According to the Chicago Sun-Times

The real reason Lindsay Lohan is so upset about the theft of the safe from her L.A. house is the contents included some very incriminating videos and photos, plus legal documents, that LiLo believes could cause embarrassment if made public.

The shit’s about to hit the fan, and what Lindsay needs now more than ever is a real mother. That leathery old bag she’s got flapping around her when the cameras are rolling doesn’t count. She needs somebody without an agenda. Someone to pick her up when she falls face-first on a penis. Someone with direction and compassion. Someone who’s proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have what it takes to care for other people. And I don’t like to brag, but I’ve proven that to Child Protective Services like three times in the last year and a half. Call me, Linz!

UPDATE: Lindsay just kinda confirmed this, tweeting “i know it was not a ROBBERY. electronics weren’t taken… just things that a certain old friend knew meant a lot to me.” Read: nekkid pictures.

Looking high as a kite while shopping last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

More naked full-frontal pictures of an African-American female singer hit the interwebs today, but surprise, surprise — this time it’s not Cassie. Try “Rihanna” on for size instead. It’s definitely her, completely, gratuitously naked. Who ever could be responsible for this leak? Certainly not Chris Brown, because included in the bunch is a photo of him with panties on his head. Equally compromising in every sense of the word, right? No way he would violate his own privacy like that. It’s an airtight alibi! Oh, and speaking of airtighting…

Thumbnail links NSFW:

Another naked Cassie photo found its way online last night, this one far more graphic and explicit than the first two. Let’s just say you’ll know without a shadow of a doubt that Cassie is a female after viewing this photo. There’s absolutely nothing left to the imagination. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only thing you can’t see in this photo is the inside of her uterus, but I just might not have been squinting hard enough.

Click the header image for the monstrously NSFW picture of Cassie’s lady bits.

Hundreds of ‘highly intimate’ images of French First Lady Carla Bruni and an ex-lover were stolen over the weekend while she and President Nicolas Sarkozy were on an official trip to Spain. Vivre le vagin! According to Daily Mail

On Sunday night thieves broke into the flat of actor Julien Enthoven, who is [Carla's former lover] Raphael Enthoven’s younger brother. Raphael entrusted the pictures to his brother because he did not want them to embarrass his new partner or Mr. Sarkozy, said a detective working on the case.

‘The thieves appeared to know exactly what they were looking for – taking highly intimate prints, a camera full of further images, videos, and numerous computer files,’ said the source. ‘Nothing else was taken.’

Police now fear that thieves could take advantage of Miss Bruni’s status as an international sex symbol by selling the pictures for hundreds of thousands of pounds, [or] they could be posted on the web so as to cause maximum embarrassment to Mr. Sarkozy.

Now, I might have never been north of the Mason-Dixon line, but I did live in Mexico under the name “Conchita Juanita Frijole” for six months while an unfortunate incident with the Dade County Sheriff’s Department was ironed out, so if there’s one thing I know, it’s many nuances of international culture. And I, for one, don’t see what the big screamin’ deal here is. I’ve actually read that in France, this whole “naked thing” is practically de riguer. There’s even a place where all the naked French ladies go to dance. Apparently it’s right by a hole in the wall where the men can see it all. Too bad the whole world isn’t as well-versed in multiculturalism as I am.

Since those picts haven’t made their way on line yet, some oldy-but-goody NSFW nudes of Ms. Bruni:

Another Disney naked picture scandal surfaced over the weekend — this time, it’s Adrienne Bailon of The Cheetah Girls, whose nude photos were stolen from her laptop and are currently being shopped around to the highest bidder. According to TMZ

It all started when Bailon was at JFK airport in late October, and noticed her laptop computer was missing from her bell cart. She filed a report… but later that day received an anonymous phone call from a man saying he had her laptop and would return it for $1000.

A meeting was set up with the anonymous man, where he was given the money, and in turn gave up Bailon’s missing laptop … except one minor thing was missing — several semi-nude photos of Bailon she had taken as an anniversary present for BF Robert Kardashian.

Her spokesman Jonathan Jaxson released the following statement:

“The photos that have surfaced of Adrienne Bailon were stolen from her laptop over a week ago at an airport in NY and sent to several media outlets. These photos were taken in private. Adrienne will be pursuing legal action against the person or person’s sending these private photos out.

Adrienne is deeply sorry for any pain this may have caused to her fans.”

Oh, Disney, Disney, Disney. I suppose big picture, it could have been worse. It could have been naked risque pictures of Raven-Symoné. Ugh. But like Raven says, “It doesn’t count as deep-throating if it’s just a soft-serve ice cream cone and a can of Cheez Whiz!” Raven also says, “rmmrmmm rmmm grobble grobble grunt snort nnnguh” in between fistfuls of bread pudding, but I don’t think that really applies here. Let’s try to keep it relevant, people.