Yeah, no such luck. Madonna may have thought about throwing herself off a building, but she has so much to live for. No, not her kids or anything, but her work. Daily Mail says,

She may have a tough exterior but Madonna has admitted she took a real blow during her divorced from director Guy Ritchie last year.

The 51-year-old revealed she was distracted only by her work, which included a gruelling world tour.

‘It was a challenging year,’ she says. ‘I may have thrown myself off a building. I think work saved me and I’m very grateful that I had work to do.’

I doubt any harm would have come if she did happen to throw herself off a building. I’ve always said she resembles a muscular spider, and you never know, she might be hiding some spinnerets under those black vinyl bodysuits. Peter Parker ain’t got nothin’ on her!

After weathering the beating Shawn Merriman gave her last month, Tila Tequila took to her Twitter page last Monday to announce that she has decided to commit suicide. Of course, she’s now backpedaling by password-protecting her page, as if that could magically erase from the interwebs all the stupid shit she tweeted and make everyone forget about her two-week death deadline. MSNBC obtained the following tweet:

“I am going to kill myself cuz I don’t want to live in a world where its filled with IGNORANCE! which majority of you ARE! & racists!”

And then there were these tweets (via Just Online Movies):

“It woulda been tonite I ended my life, but my friend caught me and stopped me. So I told him I will give him two more weeks.

No one can stop me. I am not depressed or unhappy! My life is amazing. It’s not about that though! God spoke to me and told me I am needed up there.

Dont be afraid of death as death is highly misunderstood. Death is very peaceful, serene, and welcoming for me. I have long awaited this.

We all have to go at some point in time, but my time is soon, so i can finally rest my mind. 2 more weeks and then we shall say goodbye.

I will give u two more weeks, but after that i shall be leaving. 2 more weeks until u weep for my life that has finally ended.”

Well, from what I remember from the movie, leprechauns always go for the retarded one first. That ought to make killing herself pretty easy. Plus, shooting a four-leaf clover in the ol’ kisser shouldn’t be too hard for a girl who’s made a career out of taking it in the mouth. It only makes sense she should die that way.

At Mr. Chow on Sunday, plus NSFW naked pics after the jump:

(more…)

“Jon and Kate Plus Eight’s” Jon Gosselin has reportedly threatened to kill himself on multiple occasions — at least according to the nanny he was plowing a month ago. Radar Online says

The father-of-8 is a pressure cooker waiting to boil over, says the mother of his babysitter and former lover, Stephanie Santoro.

In a shocking exclusive interview, Marci Santoro confirmed her daughter’s sexual relationship with Jon and said Gosselin threatened to kill himself.

“He said that everybody would be better off without him and that his children would be better off if he wasn’t around anymore,” Marci [said]. “He said to her, ‘I’m just going to kill myself, I’m just going to end it all.’”

No, your death wouldn’t end it all, you tubby little shit. You’d still have that shrew of an ex-wife and your eight little bastards running around daddy-less, and TLC would milk that shit for ratings like it was a fucking dairy cow. No, if you really want to “end it all,” you’ve got to take out your entire family first and then kill yourself. See UFC fighter Justin Levens for details.

Douching it up with his bodyguard in New York:

It’s looking like Adam “DJ AM” Goldstein’s overdose last Friday may have in fact been intentional — initial autopsy reports found that he had eight undigested OxyContin pills in his stomach and a ninth still unswallowed in his mouth. According to People Magazine

The finding suggests that DJ AM swallowed the powerful painkillers quickly. “He wanted to die,” says the source. “He was going unconscious when he took the last one. He didn’t even swallow it.”

Also, a mirror was propped against the outside of the apartment and another against the door of the bedroom, where Goldstein’s body was located in the bed. When the police, Goldstein’s manager and paramedics entered the bedroom, the mirror propped against the door shattered.

A crack pipe sat next to the body; when authorities moved the body, crack was found underneath. Goldstein, the source believes, “smoked a lot of crack, barricaded the doors and killed himself.”

Mmm, that does seem sketchy. For starters, your average drug user doesn’t barricade the doors every time they want to use. Lock, yes — barricade, no. That sort of behavior is usually relegated to paranoid schizophrenics and those orchestrating hostage situations. Secondly, the eight pills in his stomach hadn’t even dissolved before he started on the ninth, which was never even swallowed before he blacked out. That’s chasing more than just a buzz, my friend. Trust me, I spend two-thirds of my waking hours trying to get high, so I’m practically an expert. I think it’s pretty clear here that he meant to kill himself.

That said, it’s way too early in the morning for suicide, so here’s Marisa Miller’s boobies instead:

Adam “DJ AM” Goldstein was found dead of an apparent drug overdose in a New York City apartment on Friday night. He was 36 years old. According to Yahoo News

Friends reportedly went to check on the celebrity DJ after not hearing from him for several days, but contacted authorities when they could not get a response after knocking on his door on Friday. Around 5:24 PM local time, authorities responded to a call at 210 Lafayette Street, following a 911 call of a “possible unconscious male.” After arriving at the residence, authorities discovered a 36-year-old white male “unconscious and unresponsive.” Paramedics also arrived on the scene and declared the male dead on arrival. Foul play is not suspected at this time and a medical examiner will determine the cause of death.

TMZ adds:

Law enforcement sources [say] when they found the body of DJ AM, a bag of crack was found around his groin area… and a glass “crack pipe” was found in his bedroom. The pill bottles were found in the kitchen.

And People Magazine says

Within the past few weeks, Goldstein, 36, split with model Hayley Wood, and the situation had left him an emotional wreck.

“She ended it, and he didn’t want it to end. The breakup hurt him. He hadn’t been in a good place lately. For the past week, he wasn’t really around, he was keeping to himself, and he was blowing people off,” says [a] source.

On Thursday, he Tweeted a lyric from Grandmaster Flash: “New york, new york. Big city of dreams, but everything in new york ain’t always what it seems.”

I think we could all do well to remember the words of my husband when I told him Adam had died: “Who the fuck is ‘DJ AM’? Was that the fat one from Salt ‘n’ Pepa?” And sign of the cross… amen.

Blink 182’s tribute to Adam Saturday night:

Ryan Jenkins, the “Megan Wants a Millionaire” contestant who murdered and viciously dismembered wife Jasmine Fiore last weekend, has been found dead of an apparent suicide in British Columbia. According to TMZ

The manager of the Thunderbird motel [says] Jenkins checked in on Friday. He was dropped off by a woman in her early 20s who drove a silver PT Cruiser with Alberta license plates. She stayed for about 20 minutes and wasn’t seen again. The room was paid for two days. When Jenkins didn’t check it out today, the manager and his nephew went to check on him. When there was no answer, they entered the room and found Jenkins hanging by his belt from a coat rack.

Royal Canadian Mounted Police Sgt. Duncan Pound said: “Preliminary evidence suggests that [Jenkins] took his own life. Any further details will not be released at this time as this investigation remains in its infancy.”

Wow. Cosmic retribution. Well, like Justin Timberlake says, “What goes around comes around.” He also says “See these shackles? Baby, I’m your slave” and “I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave,” but I don’t think those are really appropriate. Let’s try and keep it classy here.

Being forcibly removed from your home because you’re intent on killing yourself just isn’t the page turner it used to be. Just ask Mischa Barton! According to Page Six

A high-level magazine editor tells us Mischa’s publicist was pushing hard for his recently hospitalized client to land the cover on one of the celebrity weeklies. She didn’t. “As sad as Mischa’s recent problems are, what seems to be upsetting her representatives even more is that no one really cares,” said the editor.

It seems like nobody cares because no one does care. People would rather read about Robert Pattinson’s choice of hemorrhoid ointment than read about Mischa Barton’s goddamn sad feelings. At least Britney Spears had the good sense to shave herself bald and hold a minor hostage when she got dragged off to the looney bin.

Paris Hilton in FHM because even SHE is more interesting that Mischa Barton:

Mischa Barton’s 5150 hold last Wednesday was the result of a three-day long coke binge that left her so depressed that her friends believed she was going to kill herself. White devil, white devil! NY Post

Photographed Tuesday at an LA hotel, the once-skinny Barton looked bloated and almost unrecognizable. Barton [was later seen] stumbling around poolside and at one point was topless.

A source close to Barton said, “She’s in very bad shape. She’s running out of money and can’t find love, so now she is looking for a good time to escape her misery. She is on a downward spiral. She is a mess. She is a suicidal, uninsurable mess.

You can survive a bad review, but when you don’t show up for the premiere of your new film, it’s not a good sign of where your career is heading.”

This is where your career ends up going. Just ask Lindsay Lohan:

At the opening of a Harrod’s store earlier this summer:

Lucy Gordon, the British actress and model best-known for her role as reporter Jennifer Dugan in Spider-Man 3, committed suicide in her Paris apartment yesterday. According to the AP

Lucy Gordon was found dead two days before her 29th birthday. Police in the French capital said Miss Gordon’s body was hanging from the ceiling of her mansion block apartment.

It has emerged that one of Miss Gordon’s male friends was in the flat when her body was found. He told police he had been sleeping when the 28-year-old hanged herself.

The model… was being touted as the new Jane Birkin.

Geez, Spiderman 3 sucked, but it didn’t suck that bad. If anyone was going to hang themselves for it, it really should have been the director.

By now you know that the body of former “American Idol” contestant Paula Goodspeed was discovered in a car Tuesday night in front of Paula Abdul’s Los Angeles home. To recap:

The 30-year-old “extreme fan” auditioned for Season 5 of the hit show in 2006.

Godspeed [had a] longtime obsession with Abdul. She is believed to have died from a drug overdose in… an apparent suicide.

Curiously, this wasn’t the first time Paula Godspeed attempted to kill herself in front of Paula Abdul’s home. Practice makes perfect, I guess. TMZ says

Paula Goodspeed overdosed in the exact same area around one year ago. Cops were called to Paula Abdul’s house — either late last year or early this year — and found Goodspeed inside her car, unconscious from a drug overdose.

Sources say Goodspeed suffered from “extreme mental illness” that spun out of control in the last two years.

This must be so bizarre for Paula Abdul. It’d be like looking in a mirror and seeing what you could have become were it not for undeserved fame and fortune — delusional, dressed like a gypsy, the butt of countless jokes. It’s like if Dorian Gray and the Ghost of Christmas Future had a baby, and then beat the baby and gave it to the schizophrenic sewer penguins to raise. Paula Abdul — this could have been your life!

Investigative journalist Ian Halperin spent 18 months as an undercover photographer while researching his unauthorized biography of Britney Spears. Among his startling revelations: Britney really did try to kill herself. More than once. Halperin told Life & Style magazine:

I spoke with her many times and went to her house. I will say the suicide attempts are true. I know all the details about both of them. It really became an issue once Jayden was born and it became clear Britney’s marriage to Kevin was crumbling. That’s when she began to say things like “I wish I was dead” or “It’d be better if I could go to sleep and never wake up” on a regular basis.”

And she would have succeeded, too, if it weren’t for that Frito-Lay press release announcing the debut of the new Cool Ranch® and Bacon Sour Cream® Cheetos. Finally, something for her to live for!

At Sur Restaurant on Monday:

Whitney Houston’s teenage daughter with ex-husband Bobby Brown attempted suicide last week after stabbing her mother during an argument. The National Enquirer says

A family member [said] that a few days before Bobbi Kristina’s 15th birthday party, [Bobbi Kristina] “tried to stab Whitney” before [slashing her own wrists] with the razor. The shocking suicide attempt landed Bobbi Kristina in a psychiatric ward in Atlanta.

Thank God Bobbi Kristina didn’t actually succeed in killing herself. She still has so much to live for! Things like “Celebrity Rehab” and “felony check fraud.” There’s a whole world out there just waiting with open cell doors arms!

One more of Bobbi Kristina smoking pot with a friend after the jump

(more…)