More bad news for Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps — Dophin Boy has officially been suspended from USA Swimming competitions for the next ninety days. USA Swimming said in a public statement:

“This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero.”

To add insult to injury, Kellogg’s cereal manufacturers have decided not to renew Phelps’ contract when it expires at the end of this month. Kellog’s said

“We originally built the relationship with Michael, as well as the other Olympic athletes, to support our association with the US Olympic team. Michael’s most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg. His contract expires at the end of February and we have made a decision not to extend his contract.”

Well, fuck Kellogg’s, and fuck USA Swimming. Who needs them anyway? There’s a whole world of opportunities and open doors just waiting for Michael Phelps. I can think of at least ten right now right off the top of my head.

TOP TEN MICHAEL PHELPS POTENTIAL ADVERTISING GIGS:

10. Magic Mushroom head shop — now carrying Michael Phelps brand Gold Metal pocket-sized pipes!

9. The Urinator — Michael Phelps says “urine luck!”

8. Goldenseal — Goldenboy Michael Phelps Stays Golden with this all-natural herb!

7. Funions: it’s a Michael Phelps munchies must-have!

6. Visine: Get the red out, keep the gold in

5. Downy dryer sheets: because Michael Phelps’ mom doesn’t need to know

4. Track and Field II for Super NES: because you’ll never be Michael Phelps, so you might as well get high and pretend

3. Ohaus Voyager® laboratory analytical scales: because Michaels Phelps knows that every little bit counts

2. High Times cover boy: Goldenboy brings the Golden Haze to the Cannabis Cup

and the number one Michael Phelps potential advertising gig:

1. Hydrofarm Hydroponic Grow System: because Michael Phelps only does it with water!

On his way to practice in Baltimore:

The National Hockey League has suspended Sean Avery for insulting a fellow hockey player dating Avery’s ex, actress Elisha Cuthbert. According to TMZ

Cuthbert’s new boyfriend, Dion Phaneuf, plays for the Calgary Flames — and during a practice session in Calgary today, Avery got the media’s attention and said the following: “I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about. Enjoy the game tonight.”

Avery is out pending a hearing with NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

There’s just something about the term “sloppy seconds.” Avery’d be on the ice right now had he just had the decency to call her a “used-up whore” or “the old dick polisher.” “Sloppy seconds” just crosses a line. It makes you think about Sloppy Joe’s, and Sloppy Joe’s are disgusting, and then you also think “vagina,” (because, really — when aren’t you thinking “vagina?”) and you get this horrible Sloppy-Joe-vagina image seared into your brain, only it’s oozing some other dude’s jism and partially coagulated KY Warming Jelly instead of tomato sauce and meat paste. Sloppy seconds, indeed. You know, people should really be punished for putting those kinds of unholy images in your head. It’s just disgusting.

With boyfriend Dion Phaneuf earlier this summer: