Kim Kardashian wallpapered her entire Twitter page with a preview shot from her upcoming 2011 swimsuit calendar, along with the following cryptic message:

‘New twitter background…its a sneak peak from an upcoming calendar shoot… it will be up only for one night!’

I don’t know who that’s supposed to be in the picture, but it sure as hell isn’t Kim Kardashian. Not unless Kim Kardashian is really an alien using Vanessa Williams’ body as a host while laying eggs in her abdomen, just like I predicted six months ago. I tried telling Vanessa she was about to become a breeding ground for otherworldly spawn in a series of letters I wrote in my own feces and hand-delivered to the Ugly Betty set last year, but I think they were intercepted by the government. They just ended up being used against me as Exhibits A through J at the trial. Bastards.

Kim in her original human form earlier this week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Kim Kardashian has already begun shooting her new 2010 calendar in Mexico, posting some of the candids from the photoshoot on her official website over the weekend. What’s odd about the pictures is that she made a point off concealing her ass in almost every one of the shots. Really, what the fuck is that about? Her ass is the only reason she’s famous in the first place. It’s like painting braces on Mona Lisa’s smile or a bra on Pamela Anderson. Some might even call it blasphemy.

Everybody has been raving about how unbelievable Jessica Alba’s post-baby body looked in her new Campari swimsuit calendar, and “unbelievable” would be right, because it isn’t fucking real. It’s all the work of digital retouching — a good three inches off her waist and hips and virtual breast implants. Nothing you see is real anymore. Nothing except our love, that is. And maybe the Zionist Agenda. That you can take to the bank, baby.