The sound you hear is the panicked screaming of eight million Twihards.  But settle down spazatrons, because Taylor Lautner isn’t actually dead.  From E!:

In a career milestone achieved by only a select few (and Jaleel White), Twilight Saga star Taylor Lautner has become the victim of his very own Internet death hoax.

Take that, Robert Pattinson.

No, Lautner’s not really dead. A rep for Summit Entertainment tells E! News, “I am almost 100-percent positive this is a hoax.” (After double-checking with the home office in Hollywood, the rep confirmed this was indeed a hoax.)

Besides, unless our favorite werewolf doubles as a zombie, he’ll be presenting in the flesh at Sunday’s Golden Globe Awards, organizers announced today.

Well, that’s a shame.  Now that Taylor & Taylor Time got canceled, I have no use at all for Taylor Lautner so he may as well be dead for realsies.  His demise would probably cause heart attacks in at least half of those creepy Twimums, so it would be an humanitarian effort, really.

So… The Taylors broke up.  I guess that’s sad for them or something, but listen, this is really all about me and how displeased I am that we can’t have Taylor & Taylor Time anymore.  Because it’s creepy and hilarious when people with the same name date each other, and I am easily amused.  Whatever.  Anyway, from Us:

So much for the two Taylors finding love.

After three months of dating, country singer Taylor Swift and New Moon star Taylor Lautner have split, UsMagazine.com has learned.

“It wasn’t really developing into anything, and wasn’t going to, so they decided they were better as friends,” a source close to Swift, 20, tells Us. “There was no chemistry.”

The pair — who met on the set of the romantic comedy Valentine’s Day — first sparked rumors of a romance when she hugged him at her October 9 concert in Rosemont, Illinois. They have since been spotted on several wholesome dates — like their frozen yogurt date at Menchie’s alongside Swift’s mom earlier this month — and have each coyly alluded to their relationship on separate Saturday Night Live hosting gigs.

However, the relationship officially fizzled when Lautner, 17, flew to Nashville for Swift’s birthday party on Dec. 13, a friend of the singer reveals.

“He liked her more than she liked him,” the source tells Us. “He went everywhere he could to see her, but she didn’t travel much to see him.”

Lucky for Lautner, the split won’t inspire angry songs like those written about ex Joe Jonas — who dumped Swift during a 27-second phone call in 2008.

“They plan to stay friends,” the source says.

In fact, Swift — whose friend says she is a “hopeless romantic” who “wants everything she writes about” in her songs — will likely reunite with the Twilight hunk when they begin promoting Valentine’s Day, out Feb. 12.

What?  I’m sorry, I fell asleep.  Jesus, these two are boring.  No wonder Taylor & Taylor Time got canceled.  I like Taylor Swift though, so if we can just find another Taylor for her to date then we can still have Taylor & Taylor Time.  It’ll be just like when they switched Darrins on “Bewitched”.

Hey y’all, it’s Taylor & Taylor Time!  Just what the hell is Taylor & Taylor Time, you ask?  Well, it’s what happens when the whole world is being dumb and boring and we kill some time by checking in with Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner.  Today’s episode of Taylor & Taylor Time is entitled, “Let’s Stand Around and Eat Frozen Yogurt”.  Try to contain your excitement!

I get about five or six emails a day calling me a racist, or a misogynist, or a racist misogynist, so today I’m going to make a point to show you that I can be just as demeaning to men as I am to women, regardless of their race. I present “Twilight’s” Taylor Lautner, in all his wet-shirted glory. I guess a man frolicking in the waves and staving off a head injury is sexy to some people. And by “some people” I of course mean “queers.” I don’t want to come off as too self-righteous here or anything.

Even more after the jump:

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I’m assuming more than a few of you have subjected yourselves to those heinous Twilight books, and thus are aware of the fact that New Moon is, by far, the worst book in the whole series (which is seriously goddamn saying something, since every page you read of those books will make you exponentially dumber).  For those who had the sense to stay far, far away from the books but still wish to suffer, it’s your lucky day!  Here’s the new, extended trailer for New Moon:

Vampires and werewolves and retards, oh my: