Ground-breaking history was made at this year’s 2009 Country Music Awards, and not just because no one used a brown jug or a washboard during their performance. Yahoo News says
The 19-year-old Taylor Swift became the youngest artist ever to win the Entertainer Of The Year award. She also won Female Vocalist, Album of the Year, and Video of the Year.
Darius Rucker also went down in the CMA books as the first African American to win New Artist of the Year, as well as the first AA artist since Charley Pride to win a major individual award.
I bet the CMA committee had a lot of great gifts backstage for Taylor and Darius after the show. Things like designer jewelery and imported champagne for her and forty acres and a mule for him. I’m pretty sure that’s how they do it in the Deep South.
Taylor in a London photoshoot (12 more after the jump):
It’s no secret that I hate teenagers with a passion usually reserved for ethnic minorities and the New York Yankees. I hate their stupid text speak and their stupid acne-riddled faces. I hate their stupid Twilight franchise. I hate their impenetrable unawareness of what insufferable douchebags they are. So by all accounts, I should hate country singer Taylor Swift… but I don’t. In a world of egotistical oversexed Miley Cyruses and Britney Spearses, she remains humble, self-effacing, down-to-earth, and wholesomely cute. I can’t find anything bad to say about her. Trying to make fun of her is like trying to make fun of a burn victim with Down’s Syndrome. Not to say it can’t be done, but it really doesn’t feel all that great while you’re doing it. Sorta like having sex with an Asian dude.
There are reports this morning that Mel Gibson’s mistress Oksana Grigorieva has given birth to his bastard child. Mazel Tov! Maybe they’ll call her “Sugartits.” Radar Online says
It’s official – Mel Gibson is an Octo-Dad!
Mel’s fiancé Oksana Grigorieva has given birth to their baby. And pass out the cigars because it’s a healthy baby girl.
And because Mel’s Russian lady-friend looks like she should be trolling the shores of a lake looking for children to boil in her cauldron or bake in her gingerbread oven, here’s Gwen Stefani dresses as Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl from Toy Story 2. Or possibly as anybody from Texas. It’s kinda hard to tell the difference most of the time.
Kanye West apologized yet again for his little spectacle at the VMAs Sunday night on Jay Leno’s new show, where he was slated to perform with Jay-Z and Rihanna but ended up sitting down as a guest, because — as you suspected — it’s all about him. He said
“It’s been extremely difficult, just dealing with the fact that I took anything away, you know, from anyone. But I need to, after this, take some time off and just analyze how I’m going to make it through the rest of this life, how I’m going to improve. Because I am a celebrity, and that’s something I have to deal with. Obviously, I deal with hurt.
So many celebrities, they never take time off. I’ve never taken the time off to really - you know, just music after music and tour after tour. I only wanted to help people. My entire life, I’ve only wanted to give and do something that I felt was right.
If there’s anything I could do to help Taylor in the future or help anyone, I’d like - you know, I want to live this thing. It’s hard sometimes.
Yep, you read that right. It’s hard being Kanye West. His little outburst was because he likes helping people. He insults and steps on because he hurts. Well, you know what else hurts? Hot lead moving at 1500 feet per second through the walls of the lower intestine fired out of a shotgun lodged in a man’s anus. Just putting that out there.
UPDATE: Now with 100% more President Barack Obama burn action!
Hey campers. It’s Sarah today. Abby’s on vacation and I’m sick as shit, so let’s just cut right to the chase and have a nice chat about what a goddamn crybaby little bitch Kanye West is (not that this should surprise anyone who’s ever heard of the interwebs or music or television or assholes). Remember back in 2006 when Kanye said he should be part of the Bible? What about the 2006 MTV EMAs in Copenhagen when Kanye rushed the stage and had a temper tantrum because he didn’t win Video of the Year? I mean Jesus, just look at the expression on Timbaland’s face around the 3:10 mark:
In 2007, Kanye made an appearance at Al Gore’s “Live Earth” global benefit concert and danced like a monkey because he was getting paid, then turned around and went right back to having $4000 meals flown halfway around the world just so his ass could feel fancy. Then there were the 2007 MTV VMAs when Kanye pitched a hissy backstage after failing to win in any of the five categories for which he was nominated:
He wasn’t done pouting like a little girl, though. He followed that up with more than a week of missed performances and interviews. Kanye spent the majority of 2008 getting arrested for assault, and in the spring of 2009 he went on VH1’s Storytellers and went out of his way to sound as arrogant and retarded as possible.
Kanye West has spent the last few years doing everything in his power to be the most selfish, immature, tantrum-throwing diva in the world and he doesn’t give a fuck about other people, so what happened at last night’s 2009 MTV VMAs cannot possibly come as a shock to anyone. Taylor Swift was a surprise winner for Best Female Video, and Kanye jumped on stage, grabbed the microphone from her and started yelling about how Beyoncé had “one of the best videos of all time”. Poor Taylor had no idea what the hell to do and just stood there frozen:
“I was standing on stage and I was really excited because I’d just won the award and then I was really excited because Kanye West was on stage,” Swift recalled after the show. “And then I wasn’t excited anymore after that.”
Jesus, what a goddamn jackass. Taylor Swift is 19 years old. Nineteen. She’s a KID. That’s like running up to a tiny tot on the beach and taking a dump on their sandcastle whilst shrieking about how you once knew a dude who turned sand into fairy dust with his mind. It makes you look unhinged and disgusting, and it makes everyone else totally uncomfortable. Also, fairy dust is fake and pointlessly glittery, just likeBeyoncé.
Taylor Swift is in the August ‘09 issue of Glamour, and I’m still not fond of how her hair always looks like a wig, but I like her anyway. She’s cute and seems like a nice person. Sure, she’s kinda boring, and her songs are insanely catchy and they burrow inside my brain like worms and then camp out there and drive me totally crazy, but I still like her. Then again, there are things deeply wrong with me. I’m obsessed with iCarly, for instance, which is a Nickelodeon show for 13-year-olds. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen and I can’t stop watching it and I love it so much. So basically what I’m saying is that no matter what I say, you should keep in mind that I have a minimum of seven undiagnosed mental disabilities.
The hell was I talking about? Oh yeah. Taylor Swift. She’s in Glamour, and she looks super cute, and some of these pictures are really teeny but what do you bitches want from me? Maybe I would do a better job if you bought me Season 1 of iCarly on DVD. I need that shit!
On last night’s CMT Music Awards (yeah, never heard of it either), country singer Taylor Swift and rapper T-Pain opened the show with a pre-taped video for “Thug Story,” which of course is a play on Taylor’s smash hit “Love Story.” Swift identifies herself as “T-Swizzle” in the video and raps “You can find me making cookies at night/You out clubbing? I just made caramel delights.” And therein lies the rub, people — when you combine “country” with “rap,” all you get is “crap.” Much like how combining “acid jazz” with the ancient form of Vietnamese stage opera “hát chèo” results in the unfortunate phonetic amalgamation “Ass Hat.” Some things just weren’t meant to be.
Natalie Portman doing it right on SNL a few years back:
Taylor Swift was on “The Today Show” this morning, I guess, performing in Rockefeller Centre. This insanely shiny stuff is what she wore. Jesus, even her guitar is sparkly. I feel like if I look at these pictures too long, I might end up with epilepsy. I am not generally a fan of sparkly shit, but I just don’t have it in me to hate Taylor Swift. She confuses my eyeholes, but I like her anyway. Her hair usually looks like either nylon Barbie hair or the kind of wig they put on actresses in Lifetime movies about cancer, but she’s so pretty. Even though she actually just looks kinda like an adorable squinty-eyed rodent most of the time. She’s somehow still pretty. It’s an infinite mystery, like what hot dogs are made out of or why it always seems hotter outside when you’re wearing a skirt. Taylor is also friends with that hellspawn Miley Cyrus and she once dallied with a Jonas and is therefore tainted beyond what an exorcism can oust, but whatever… I somehow like her anyway, okay? DON’T JUDGE ME.
Taylor Swift singing something on “The Today Show” this morning:
The Grammy Awards were last night, and they were a total snoozefest. Admittedly, I was powerfully hungover all day yesterday, but I watched the Grammys and they were so boring that I swear I fell asleep at least nine times before they finally ended. Every performance that wasn’t Radiohead sucked, and nearly everyone looked like ass on fire. The header pic is Coldplay, who (naturally) showed up looking particularly jackassy. Nothing awesome happened at all, and if there were any funny acceptance speeches then they were during my bouts of unconsciousness. Here’s a round-up of the shiny, the slutty, and the strange.
Carrie Underwood looked super boring, but otherwise okay I guess:
Miley Cyrus was dressed like she was attending the funeral of her own dignity:
Taylor Swift was in mourning with Miley, apparently:
Hey guys, it’s Sarah today. So, The Jonas Brothers are dumb and annoying and I can’t even be bothered to really tell them apart, but you know the gay one? With the stupid hair? Who’s always yapping about something lame? No, not that one. The other one. No, the other other one. No, the middle one. I think its name is Jon or Jeff or something. Whatever. Anyway, it has apparently taken to its MySpace page to blather about its breakup with Taylor Swift and its new relationship with Camilla Belle and the developing story of The Most Boring Feud in the History of Ever. From People:
In a heartfelt letter to fans, Joe Jonas addresses his recent breakup with Taylor Swift, saying that certain “issues” led to a “change of heart.”
Although he doesn’t mention Swift by name, the teen idol makes clear in his MySpace post he’s referring to the country star, who has been speaking and singing about the split.
“Several things I will state with all my heart,” writes Jonas, 19, who’s now quietly dating actress Camilla Belle. “I never cheated on a girlfriend. It might make someone feel better to assume or imply I have been unfaithful but it is simply not true. Maybe there were reasons for a breakup. Maybe the heart moved on. Perhaps feelings changed. I am truly saddened that anything would potentially cause you to think less of me.”
Uhh… listen, the only way I could think less of Middle Jonas is if… actually no, there is just no way I could think less of him. Seriously, shut UP, kid. You sing in a lame tiny tot band with your two stupid brothers and you’re most famous for wearing purity rings and dressing like assclowns. Your “relationships” with girls can’t possibly warrant this much drama, so until you finally come out and start dating someone appropriate for you, like Christian Siriano, please go away. And take Old Jonas and Little Jonas with you.
The 42nd Annual Country Music Awards were last night, and I’m guessing you — like me — don’t really give a shit. But People Magazine thinks you do! They say:
Kenny Chesney earned the prestigious Entertainer of the Year award for the third year in a row on Wednesday. Four-time nominee Brad Paisley didn’t just host and perform at the ceremony – he was one of the night’s major winners, including Male Vocalist and Music Video of the year for “Waitin’ on a Woman.” The singer’s co-host, Carrie Underwood, was named Female Vocalist of the Year for the third year in a row.
I’ve tried to like country music — I really have — but I just can’t seem to do it. Frankly, the only way I could have found this show any more boring is if it also included a symposium on “The Effects of Agricultural Diversification on the Economic Structure of Uzbekistan” as performed by the cast of High School Musical 3.
Taylor Swift looking fantastic in Kaufman Franco:
Reese Witherspoon in Marchesa:
Carrie Underwood in Roberto Cavalli:
Nicole Kidman and faggy husband Keith Urban:
Shania Twain (hot) vs Faith Hill (NOT):
Jewel in Roberto Cavalli and Miranda Lambert:
The newly Asian Diana Degarmo:
Kellie Pickler in Zuhair Murad and Lee Ann Womack:
After dumping country singer Taylor Swift via telephone last month, 19-year old Joe Jonas is now dating 10,000 BC actress Camilla Belle. And no, Camilla is not a guy. Surprise, surprise! People Magazine says
“They met on the set of his [Love Bug] music video. All the guys always had thought she was really pretty and that’s why they asked her to be in it. It was only after doing the video that they began to date.”
I tried to think of a gayer way for a couple to meet, like maybe on a tandem bike ride through a botanical garden or onstage at the Ice Capades, but nothing seemed quite gay enough. So I’m going to have to go out on a limb here and say that the only thing gayer than meeting your girlfriend on the set of “Love Bug” would have to involve a reach-around and full anal penetration.
Camilla Belle at the Hollywood Awards Gala in Beverly Hills last month:
