So now that Miley Cyrus’ pantless-blazer getup is out of the way, we can talk about who actually won at the Billboard Music Awards last night. Let’s see — um, there’s Taylor Swift… she’s clearly holding some sort of trophy in that picture, so she must have won something. Probably Best Country Artist or Song of the Year or Most Photogenic, if only because Most Disappointingly Not-See-Through Lace Dress isn’t a Billboard Music Award category. Unfortunately, I’d already uploaded all the Taylor Swift pictures and downloaded Temple Run before I realized there wasn’t a nipslip in the whole bunch, so my hands were effectively tied here. I blame the industry.

There’s been much speculation that squeaky-clean country star Taylor Swift got her boobs done after photos of her looking decidedly bustier (before pic for comparison) surfaced online last week. See, this is exactly why I don’t wear low-cut dresses. Or ever go outside. People are always trying to take pictures of your tits and put them on the internet. Plus, with their infinitely superior technology, it’s almost impossible to distinguish the alien cyborgs from the real humans anymore.

Taylor Swift’s face is cute in a elfin sort of way, so I was expecting the rest of her to be likewise pleasing. But…her body is all limbs and adolescent lankiness. And I’m pretty sure that if you rapped your  knuckles on her chest, it would make an echoing sound like the Tinman.

On the beach (hopefully she brought her oil can):

I wanna hate Taylor Swift, I really do… but I just can’t. She’s just too fucking nice. She can actually play an instrument and sing on key without the help of a computer. She’s from the South. She’s beautiful. In a world of puss-groping Rihannas and tit-spraying Katy Perrys, she’s a breath of fresh air. That said, if you ever mention this to anybody, I’m totally kicking your ass. I mean it. I’ll clean your clock and then kick your ass for not knowing what time it is. That’s just how I roll.

Looking all sexy and Brigitte Bardot-y:

The 2011 American Music Awards were last night, and no, I didn’t watch them, and no, I’m not gonna look up who won what. Nobody cares about the fuckin’ AMA’s. It’s the music industry’s equivalent of the Dundee Awards. What I will talk about is how fat Christina Aguilera looked in that dress (watch the performance after the jump). Oh, honey. The Daily Mail says:

Christina Aguilera’s bandage dress was somewhat challenged as she appeared onstage last night… at the American Music Awards in Los Angeles.

The Voice star bulged out of her bandage-style silver dress while performing the smash hit single Moves Like Jagger with Maroon 5.

As she was raised onto the stage mid-song on a glittery silver podium, Christina looked significantly heavier than the size four she has claimed to be.

I have never before seen a woman who so seamlessly encapsulated both Anna Nicole Smith’s‘s refined sense of style and Tonya Harding’s stately elegance. All this time, science said it couldn’t be done. At least not without six hundred boxes of irradiated powdered donuts and a cattle prod.

More of Fatty Fatty Two-by-Four, plus some of Taylor Swift looking beautiful on the AMAs red carpet:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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According to the always-disappointing Google Trends, many of you out there are supremely concerned about seeing Taylor’s Swift’s new tattoo this morning. In fact, the only thing you care more about than seeing Taylor Swift’s new tattoo are Elmo and Dead Island. It’s not my fault you’re a bunch of insufferable dorks. The Daily Mail says:

The 21-year-old was spotted at the Fairfax flea market in West Hollywood, sporting scripture running all the way down her arm.

The design, which appeared to be scribbled in felt-tip pen, reads: ‘Tell me everything I want to hear, like it was your favorite year’.

The line is a lyric which comes from Grammy-award winning Country Music Group The Dixie Chicks and their 2008 single titled, ‘Favorite Year.’

So, A) it’s not even a real tattoo; and B) it’s a fucking Dixie Chicks song lyric. How gay. I thought drawing on yourself with magic marker stopped being cool in the seventh grade. Right about the same time it stopped being cool to listen to Taylor Swift’s music.

More non-tattooed non-news in West Hollywood:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Rapper Eminem and teenybopper puke Justin Bieber were the big winners at last night’s Billboard Music Awards, each taking homo home six different awards for their insufferable “contributions” to music. People Magazine says:

Taylor Swift was the first winner of the night at Sunday’s 2011 Billboard Music Awards, where she was named 200 Album Artist of the Year and Country Artist of the Year.

Justin Bieber was a triple winner, as Digital Artist of the Year, Top New Artist and Fan Favoritez, while Britney Spears [was awarded] Female Artist of the Year.

Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite” was named Top Hot 100 Song. Lady Antebellum took Country Song of the Year, [and] the Black Eyed Peas were the Top Duo/Group.

After reading the complete list of winners, I have never been so grateful to have been a teenager during the forefront of the grunge movement. The mid-nineties were a magical time, a time when musicians actually played instruments and sang without autotune and digital masking and rappers were still black and didn’t collaborate with the likes of Katy Perry and Big Time Rush. Look for it only in books, for it is no more than a dream remembered, a musical era gone with the wind.

Rihanna, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift after the jump:

Selena Gomez:

Fergie:

Kesha:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Alexander McQueen was the designer du jour at the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Annual Costume Institute Gala Ball last night, with Gisele Bundchen, Salma Hayek and Sarah Jessica Parker all wearing his signature creations. There were two big themes among the patrons — Black Swan, as seen on Liv Tyler, Demi Moore and Miranda Kerr, and Princess Bride, as modeled by Naomi Campbell, Fergie and Miranda Kerr above. Kirsten Dunst, as always, had the ugliest dress there, but Ashely Olsen was a close second in a dress designed that appeared to have been designed by a nearsighted lumberjack turned Victorian hippie. But I don’t know how they get off calling it a costume ball when there wasn’t a wizard, mutant or storm trooper in the bunch. Frankly, you’d be much better off just going to Comic-Con.

More pics after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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You didn’t think I’d let this day go by without a nod to St. Valentine, did you? Actually, I was too busy writing my own love poem to my ex with cut-out letters. That restraining order against me doesn’t count if they can’t prove it’s from me! From Us Weekly,

One benefit of writing songs about unrequited crushes? Sometimes they respond.

Such was the case when Taylor Swift, 21, penned a ballad about meeting Owl City singer Adam Young for her latest CD, Speak Now.

The four-time Grammy winner — who split with latest beau Jake Gyllenhaal in December — told Yahoo! Music last year that she wrote the song “Enchanted”, “about this guy that I met in New York City, and I had talked to him on email or something before, but I had never met him. And meeting him, it was this overwhelming feeling of: I really hope that you’re not in love with somebody.”

She also added that she included the word “wonderstruck” in the lyrics because he had used it in one of his emails to her.

Luckily Young picked up the hints (including Swift’s decision to capitalize the letters A-D-A-M in the album’s lyric booklet). On Monday, the crooner, 24, used his band’s blog to write a response to the starlet, complete with his own version of “Enchanted”, The Hollywood Reporter reports.

“I’m so tremendously honored that Taylor would write such an elegant song and thereby offer a gracious nod in my direction,” Young wrote in the blog, appropriately posted on Valentine’s Day. “Needless to say, I was lost for words and utterly smitten. I couldn’t stop smiling.”

In the Owl City singer’s version of the ditty, he added a new verse: “I was never in love with someone else / I never had somebody waiting on me / ‘Cause you were all of my dreams come true / And I just wish you knew / Taylor I was so in love with you.”

And while he calls himself a “shy boy” in the post, he didn’t play coy when it came to sharing his feelings.

“Everything about you is beautiful,” he wrote. “You’re an immensely charming girl with a wonderful heart and more grace and elegance than I know how to describe. You are a true princess from a dreamy fairy tale; a modern Cinderella. I’m terribly sorry it’s taken me such a long time to reply but I figured Valentine’s Day was the perfect time to write this note to you and simply say… I was enchanted to meet you too.”

Awww. Ain’t that touching. I feel all warm and squishy inside. Either that, or I need to start wearing diapers. It’s a hard call.

Taylor at a farmer’s market in LA:

Jake Gyllenhaal has finally gone and gotten rid of that beard he’s been sporting for the last two months. Oh, and he broke up the Taylor Swift, too. I’m sure the two events are unrelated. Us Magazine says:

The previously inseparable pair called it quits just before New Year’s Eve, then rang in 2011 separately.

“He said he wasn’t feeling it anymore and was uncomfortable with all the attention they got,” says the insider of the just over two-month romance. “He also said he could feel the age difference. Taylor is really upset. We told her not to move so fast with this but she didn’t listen.”

Explains a Gyllenhaal insider, “Jake cares about her, but [the publicity] was a lot for him. He wants to keep his private life private, and that’s hard to do dating Taylor.”

“Plus, he’s gay,” the insider added, “so Taylor’s lack of balls really wasn’t working for him.” Okay, so the “Gyllenhaal insider” might not have said that exactly. He probably didn’t have to. I’m sure his Prada calfskin loafers and studded skinny jeans told Us Weekly everything they needed to know.

Taylor Swift is the new face of CoverGirl’s NatureLuxe line, and the first of her ads was released yesterday. And… well, I don’t have anything negative to say. I’m sorry. She’s just so damn wholesome and cute. The good news is they can always use her as anti-venom if you accidentally get a Lindsay Lohan bite. They’re a lot more common than you’d think.

More from the CoverGirl shoot, plus a couple of her at the AMA’s:

PHOTO CREDIT: CoverGirl, Fame Pictures

The American Music Awards were last night, but I didn’t watch them because I would rather watch zombies nom on brains (Walking Dead, anyone?). Speaking of dead people, did you know that as a body decomposes, it fills with gas, often resulting in the body farting and burping? I make this point because if you stuck a kazoo up a corpse’s ass, it would probably manage to make better music than what was being celebrated last night. Case in point: Justin Bieber swept up awards last night. Says Time News Feed:

Starting with Bieber, he won entertainer of the year, breakthrough artist of the year, favorite pop/rock male and favorite pop/rock album for My World 2.0. “I come from the smallest town in the world, of like 30,000 people; I never thought this was possible,” he gushed, before paying tribute to the late King of Pop. “I want to thank Michael Jackson, because without Michael Jackson none of us would be here.”

Hee-hee-hee. No music would exist without MJ? It’s the new music Gospel they’re teaching kids these days. “In the beginning was Michael Jackson, and the music was with God, and the music was Michael Jackson. He was God in the beginning. Through him all music was made; without him no music was made that has been made.” MJ 1:1-3. I think I hear all the music greats prior to MJ collectively turning in their graves.

A zombie’s smörgåsbord:

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