Rumors are swirling that country music singer Taylor Swift and actor Jake Gyllenhaal might be an item after the two were seen canoodling in New York City over the weekend. And for the record, I hate typing the word “canoodling” just as much as you hate reading it. Maybe even more. People Magazine says:

First, the two attended the broadcast of Saturday Night Live in Manhattan, which was hosted by Swift’s good friend, Emma Stone.

“They showed up together,” a source [said]. “They walked around together backstage, but they were careful not to be seen too close. Everyone was shocked that she brought him.”

On Sunday, Swift, 20 and Gyllenhaal, 29, brunched with another couple at Al Di La in Brooklyn and, says an onlooker, looked “friendly.” They were also spotted together strolling around Brooklyn’s Park Slope neighborhood.

Taylor’s last boyfriend was one of those Jonas queers, so impressing her shouldn’t take much. All Jake needs are pubes and the ability to catch a football without looking like he’s doing interpretive dance while choking on a mouthful of cock.

Taylor performing in Central Park yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

The MTV Video Music Awards were last night and I am contractually obligated to talk about it, so let’s talk about it, shall we? It was alright, I guess, for an award show sponsored by the soul-sucking corporate conglomeration responsible for the talentless and plastic being propped up by the media machines intent on capitalizing on their image. You know, as those things go.

The night kicked off with a hilariously embarrassing pre-taped Lindsay Lohan skit (see above) in which she admonishes host Chelsea Handler about her drinking. Ha ha, get it? Because Lindsay was in jail for drinking! It’s ironic, see? Us Magazine says:

VMAs host Chelsea Handler, wearing a pre-show robe, encounters Lohan backstage.

“Hello, Chelsea,” Lohan says. “Have you been drinking?”

Handler denies it, but Lohan asks: “Then why is your ankle bracelet going off?” pointing a blinking device on Handler’s leg.

The comedienne explains: “That just means my table’s ready at Cheesecake Factory.” Lohan then gets tough, grabbing Handler: “Wake up Handler! Pull it together! You’re late! [for the show]”

“You turned your life around,” Handler surmises. “Maybe I can too.”

Just because you have to piss in a cup twice a week and give it to a probation officer doesn’t mean you’ve embraced sobriety and turned your life around. The skit would have been a lot funnier if she actually had proven she was sober. But I digress. Let’s move on to Taylor Swift, who, incidentally, still hasn’t moved on from Kanye West storming the stage when she accepted her Best Female Video award last year. In fact, she’s here to sing a song about it:

And then Kanye responded to her melodious offer of forgiveness with a toast to the “douchebags, the assholes, the jerkoffs and the scumbags.” Man, this never gets old!

And then Lady Gaga won every meaningless award possible, changed dresses three times, and finally ended up wearing a frock made of (fake) meat that exposed her ass. That’s about all I remember. By that point I was too busy mourning the part of me that died inside after having to watch it. And by “mourning” I mean “drinking.” I find disgust and disillusionment go down a lot easier with a bottle of tequila.

The 2010 Country Music Awards were last night, and I’m not even gonna pretend like I watched them or even knew they were on in the first place, because I think we’re at a point in our relationship where we don’t have to put on airs for each other anymore. Not that it wouldn’t kill you to close the bathroom door once in a fucking while, but that’s a conversation for another day. I just don’t have the energy to get into that this morning.

Anyway, Carrie Underwood became the first woman to win country music Entertainer of the Year two years in a row last night blah blah blah yee-haw. MSNBC says

Underwood won the show’s top honor last year. This year, she beat out Taylor Swift, Kenny Chesney, the Zac Brown Band, Toby Keith, Brad Paisley, George Strait and Keith Urban.

Top-selling trio Lady Antebellum were the dominant winners, grabbing five trophies, including song and single record of the year for crossover hit “Need You Now,” while also snapping Rascal Flatts’ seven-year run as best vocal group.

I bet you never noticed, but the letters in “Lady Antebellum” can be rearranged to spell “dumb anal telly” and “yell lube and ATM.” I don’t know what kind of foul butthole fetishes these so-called “country singers” are covertly promoting, but I, for one, will not stand for it. Mostly because then my anus would be exposed, and I can’t take that kind of chance again. Not after what happened at the Grammys.

Lots more pics from the red carpet after the jump.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban:

Taylor Swift:

Carrie Underwood:

Leann Rimes:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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Country singer Taylor Swift sports an edgier, flat-ironed ‘do in next month’s issue of Elle magazine. I have to say, it’s a real improvement. I had no idea how much better going straight would be. Which, incidentally, are eleven words you’ll never hear come out of Matthew Broderick’s mouth in succession. Not without him dissolving into a fit of giggles and a lot of frantic hand-flapping, anyway.

Hi guys, it’s Sonya today. Did you know that nipples can stick to ice? It’s true. Just ask Abby when she gets back.

So, the Grammys happened last night, and like the dedicated blogger that I am, I didn’t watch them. I don’t really care who gets what, because it’s all a bunch of crap anyway. They never mention my favorite group, Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters, so I don’t bother. I am interested in what everyone wore, so here we go:

Taylor Swift’s dress fits kind of weird, I think.

Rihanna chose to let her dress do the choking

During a lapse in security, crazy lady Phoebe Price slipped in, as did super-classy Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Pink didn’t need to sneak in, she just snarled at security

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So… The Taylors broke up.  I guess that’s sad for them or something, but listen, this is really all about me and how displeased I am that we can’t have Taylor & Taylor Time anymore.  Because it’s creepy and hilarious when people with the same name date each other, and I am easily amused.  Whatever.  Anyway, from Us:

So much for the two Taylors finding love.

After three months of dating, country singer Taylor Swift and New Moon star Taylor Lautner have split, UsMagazine.com has learned.

“It wasn’t really developing into anything, and wasn’t going to, so they decided they were better as friends,” a source close to Swift, 20, tells Us. “There was no chemistry.”

The pair — who met on the set of the romantic comedy Valentine’s Day — first sparked rumors of a romance when she hugged him at her October 9 concert in Rosemont, Illinois. They have since been spotted on several wholesome dates — like their frozen yogurt date at Menchie’s alongside Swift’s mom earlier this month — and have each coyly alluded to their relationship on separate Saturday Night Live hosting gigs.

However, the relationship officially fizzled when Lautner, 17, flew to Nashville for Swift’s birthday party on Dec. 13, a friend of the singer reveals.

“He liked her more than she liked him,” the source tells Us. “He went everywhere he could to see her, but she didn’t travel much to see him.”

Lucky for Lautner, the split won’t inspire angry songs like those written about ex Joe Jonas — who dumped Swift during a 27-second phone call in 2008.

“They plan to stay friends,” the source says.

In fact, Swift — whose friend says she is a “hopeless romantic” who “wants everything she writes about” in her songs — will likely reunite with the Twilight hunk when they begin promoting Valentine’s Day, out Feb. 12.

What?  I’m sorry, I fell asleep.  Jesus, these two are boring.  No wonder Taylor & Taylor Time got canceled.  I like Taylor Swift though, so if we can just find another Taylor for her to date then we can still have Taylor & Taylor Time.  It’ll be just like when they switched Darrins on “Bewitched”.

Hey y’all, it’s Taylor & Taylor Time!  Just what the hell is Taylor & Taylor Time, you ask?  Well, it’s what happens when the whole world is being dumb and boring and we kill some time by checking in with Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner.  Today’s episode of Taylor & Taylor Time is entitled, “Let’s Stand Around and Eat Frozen Yogurt”.  Try to contain your excitement!

Ground-breaking history was made at this year’s 2009 Country Music Awards, and not just because no one used a brown jug or a washboard during their performance. Yahoo News says

The 19-year-old Taylor Swift became the youngest artist ever to win the Entertainer Of The Year award. She also won Female Vocalist, Album of the Year, and Video of the Year.

Darius Rucker also went down in the CMA books as the first African American to win New Artist of the Year, as well as the first AA artist since Charley Pride to win a major individual award.

I bet the CMA committee had a lot of great gifts backstage for Taylor and Darius after the show. Things like designer jewelery and imported champagne for her and forty acres and a mule for him. I’m pretty sure that’s how they do it in the Deep South.

Taylor in a London photoshoot (12 more after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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It’s no secret that I hate teenagers with a passion usually reserved for ethnic minorities and the New York Yankees. I hate their stupid text speak and their stupid acne-riddled faces. I hate their stupid Twilight franchise. I hate their impenetrable unawareness of what insufferable douchebags they are. So by all accounts, I should hate country singer Taylor Swift… but I don’t. In a world of egotistical oversexed Miley Cyruses and Britney Spearses, she remains humble, self-effacing, down-to-earth, and wholesomely cute. I can’t find anything bad to say about her. Trying to make fun of her is like trying to make fun of a burn victim with Down’s Syndrome. Not to say it can’t be done, but it really doesn’t feel all that great while you’re doing it. Sorta like having sex with an Asian dude.

Taylor as Kate Gosselin:

There are reports this morning that Mel Gibson’s mistress Oksana Grigorieva has given birth to his bastard child. Mazel Tov! Maybe they’ll call her “Sugartits.” Radar Online says

It’s official – Mel Gibson is an Octo-Dad!

Mel’s fiancé Oksana Grigorieva has given birth to their baby. And pass out the cigars because it’s a healthy baby girl.

And because Mel’s Russian lady-friend looks like she should be trolling the shores of a lake looking for children to boil in her cauldron or bake in her gingerbread oven, here’s Gwen Stefani dresses as Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl from Toy Story 2. Or possibly as anybody from Texas. It’s kinda hard to tell the difference most of the time.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Bonus footage of Ellen DeGeneres scaring the crap out of Taylor Swift after the jump.

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Kanye West apologized yet again for his little spectacle at the VMAs Sunday night on Jay Leno’s new show, where he was slated to perform with Jay-Z and Rihanna but ended up sitting down as a guest, because — as you suspected — it’s all about him. He said

“It’s been extremely difficult, just dealing with the fact that I took anything away, you know, from anyone. But I need to, after this, take some time off and just analyze how I’m going to make it through the rest of this life, how I’m going to improve. Because I am a celebrity, and that’s something I have to deal with. Obviously, I deal with hurt.

So many celebrities, they never take time off. I’ve never taken the time off to really – you know, just music after music and tour after tour. I only wanted to help people. My entire life, I’ve only wanted to give and do something that I felt was right.

If there’s anything I could do to help Taylor in the future or help anyone, I’d like – you know, I want to live this thing. It’s hard sometimes.

Yep, you read that right. It’s hard being Kanye West. His little outburst was because he likes helping people. He insults and steps on because he hurts. Well, you know what else hurts? Hot lead moving at 1500 feet per second through the walls of the lower intestine fired out of a shotgun lodged in a man’s anus. Just putting that out there.

UPDATE: Now with 100% more President Barack Obama burn action!

Hey campers.  It’s Sarah today.  Abby’s on vacation and I’m sick as shit, so let’s just cut right to the chase and have a nice chat about what a goddamn crybaby little bitch Kanye West is (not that this should surprise anyone who’s ever heard of the interwebs or music or television or assholes).  Remember back in 2006 when Kanye said he should be part of the Bible?  What about the 2006 MTV EMAs in Copenhagen when Kanye rushed the stage and had a temper tantrum because he didn’t win Video of the Year?  I mean Jesus, just look at the expression on Timbaland’s face around the 3:10 mark:

In 2007, Kanye made an appearance at Al Gore’s “Live Earth” global benefit concert and danced like a monkey because he was getting paid, then turned around and went right back to having $4000 meals flown halfway around the world just so his ass could feel fancy.  Then there were the 2007 MTV VMAs when Kanye pitched a hissy backstage after failing to win in any of the five categories for which he was nominated:

He wasn’t done pouting like a little girl, though.  He followed that up with more than a week of missed performances and interviews.  Kanye spent the majority of 2008 getting arrested for assault, and in the spring of 2009 he went on VH1′s Storytellers and went out of his way to sound as arrogant and retarded as possible.

Kanye West has spent the last few years doing everything in his power to be the most selfish, immature, tantrum-throwing diva in the world and he doesn’t give a fuck about other people, so what happened at last night’s 2009 MTV VMAs cannot possibly come as a shock to anyone.  Taylor Swift was a surprise winner for Best Female Video, and Kanye jumped on stage, grabbed the microphone from her and started yelling about how Beyoncé had “one of the best videos of all time”.  Poor Taylor had no idea what the hell to do and just stood there frozen:

“I was standing on stage and I was really excited because I’d just won the award and then I was really excited because Kanye West was on stage,” Swift recalled after the show. “And then I wasn’t excited anymore after that.”

Jesus, what a goddamn jackass.  Taylor Swift is 19 years old.  Nineteen.  She’s a KID.  That’s like running up to a tiny tot on the beach and taking a dump on their sandcastle whilst shrieking about how you once knew a dude who turned sand into fairy dust with his mind.  It makes you look unhinged and disgusting, and it makes everyone else totally uncomfortable.  Also, fairy dust is fake and pointlessly glittery, just like Beyoncé.