The only way you could make a video of this year’s Sports Illustrated cover girl Kate Upton dancing in a bikini unsexy is if you threw in some footage of a creepy balding sex offender and shot it the living room of his dead grandmother’s home. And here I mean “dead grandmother” in the “bludgeoned to death with her own oxygen tank and buried her under the floorboards” sense of the word, because Terry Richardson is a fucking weirdo. The video looks like something that Detectives Stabler and Benson would turn over as evidence to the prosecution on an episode of SVU.

That embarrassing itch you can’t scratch? Not if you’re Paz de la fucking Huerta, baby.

25-year old Lindsay Lohan reportedly enjoyed a “steamy night of passion” with 46-year-old notorious pervert photographer Terry Richardson — I’ll pause for any involuntary retching you may experience after reading that — but it seems one night with Lilo was more than enough for Terry. Radar Online says:

“They had a major night of passion after they worked on this photo shoot together and now she’s going all out to get her claws into him,” a source [said]. “But Terry is just not interested in pursuing a relationship with Lindsay and totally regrets hooking up with her.

“Lindsay has been texting and phoning him nonstop and he’s actually kind of freaked out by how strong she’s been coming on to him; it’s all pretty unseemly. As Terry said, there’s nothing more unattractive than a desperate woman. It’s a difficult situation though as they move in the same circles and have a lot of mutual friends. He’s trying to work out a way to let her down gently without blowing their friendship.”

Terry Richardson is bird-chested, bald, middle-aged and looks like either a serial killer or a pedophile depending on the lighting, and the general consensus among the women he photographs is that he’s fucking disgusting. And yet even he’s passing on Lindsay Lohan. In the immortal words of Michael Kelso, “BUUUUURRN!”

Lindsay (or possibly Dee Snider) at the opening of Terrywood by Terry Richardson in L.A. last month:

Lindsay Lohan still hasn’t paid back the government the hundred grand she owes them in back-taxes from 2009, but you’ll never guess what — she also “forgot” to pay her federal income taxes in 2010, too. What are the odds? TMZ says:

According to docs filed yesterday at the L.A. County Recorder’s Office, Lindsay never paid federal income taxes for 2010 … to the tune of $140,203.30.

As previously reported, Lindsay never cut the government a check for the $93,701.57 she was supposed to pay in federal taxes for 2009 either.

She previously blamed her accountants for the 2009 debacle … so it’s probably safe to say they’re gonna get the blame for the 2010 screw up as well.

So now she’s looking at nearly a quarter of a million dollars in back-taxes. But for all intents and purposes, it might as well be 30 bajillion galactic moon coins, because God knows Lindsay doesn’t have that kind of money. It’s all tied up in sea jasper and the crystal market right now.

More of her looking like a past-her-prime showgirl in need of a fix for Terry Richardson in LOVE magazine:

The only person who takes more pictures of Lindsay Lohan than the L.A. central booking is Terry Richardson (here, here and leering behind her like a child molester on a bender here), and that’s only because he’s a notorious pervert who gets off on taking pictures of girls’ tits, and showing her tits is the only thing Lindsay’s good for these days. It’s a match made in crippling daddy issues/sexual predator heaven.

“Boardwalk Empire’s” Paz de la Huerta has a ridiculous body, but she has the kind of crazy eyes that you usually only see on someone pushing a rusty shopping cart downtown and yelling at pigeons. I wouldn’t know whether she was about to kiss me or stab me in the knee with a screwdriver.

In a photo shoot by acclaimed creepy pervert Terry Richardson:

Lindsay Lohan attended photographer Terry Richardson’s party in Paris on Friday, and if you’re wondering if she had her tits out while she was there, well, of course she had her tits out while she was there. It’s Lindsay Lohan. “Tits” is all she’s got left. The rest of her looks like something you’d find hacked into pieces and stuffed in a suitcase outside a truck stop on I-40. As in she looks like the kind of meth whore some truck driver would murder and nobody would notice until the stink finally kicked in. Honestly, do I have to explain everything to you today? Let’s try and stay with the program here.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lindsay Lohan posed for acclaimed pervert photographer Terry Richardson in New York last week in a series of black and white photos that show her smoking a cigarette with her legs spread. Or as she calls it, “In my element.”

More pics after the jump:

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Photographer Terry Richardson released some never before seen photos of a then 23-year old Amy Winehouse on Tumblr yesterday, including the above photo of her with a chicken. The pics don’t provide any additional insight as to the cause of her death, but they sure rule out any possibility that she died from too much flossing.

Kim Kardashian posed for a photo shoot with notorious pervert Terry Richardson and posted a couple of the “highlights” on her official blog:

I did a fab photo shoot with the amazing Terry Richardson at Chateau Marmont in LA for the Sunday Times in London.

What do you think of these pics? I’m loving the leopard print and lace!

I’m loving the leopard and lace, too. It’s the “I’m severely constipated and suffering from scoliosis” I’m not so wild about. It looks like she’s posing for one of those colonoscopy pamphlets they hand out at the proctologist’s office.

Photographer Terry Richardson looks like he should be on a street corner in a wheelchair with a bottle of whiskey and recurring Nam flashbacks (see him here in this creepy pic with the whole Lohan family) but he has somehow managed to convince the women he shoots to take off their clothes in the name of “art.” Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not arguing objectification. Objectify and hyper-sexualize all you want. What I’m arguing against is the masquerading of objectification as art. Don’t dip a turd in frosting and tell me it’s a goddamn cupcake. Because now I make sure to really smell all desserts before I actually bite into them. That’s one mistake I won’t make twice!