“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” premiered last night, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie graced the red carpet looking fabulous as always. Well, technically, Angelina looked fabulous. Brad Pitt looked like a douche with a douche mustache. There’s just no escaping it. Mustaches should be avoided at all costs, even if it means passing up a Quentin Tarrantino movie role. There are really only a handful of times that a mustache is ever even warranted in a given situation. Ten times, to be exact. Fortunately, I made a handy list for you:

TOP TEN SITUATIONS IN WHICH MUSTACHES ARE ACCEPTABLE:

10. You’re a pizzeria owner with pit stains and domestic abuse record

9. You’re a porn star and it’s 1974.

8. You moonlight as a Yosemite Sam impersonator.

7. You’re a wayfaring stranger who narrates the greatest comedy ever written.

6. You’re a state trooper with erectile dysfunction

5. You’re a Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage” video extra

4. You’re the Baron Administrator of Cloud City

3. You’re the Führer und Reichskanzler

2. You’re a private investigator living in Hawaii

and the number one situation in which a mustache is acceptable:

1. You’re the next door neighbor of Homer Simpson. Okely-dokely-doo!

It seems the stress of having six children under the age of seven has finally taken its toll on poor Brad Pitt. That said, I’d totally still do it with him. Absence of testicles and spine and everything. Then we’d watch Wheel and I’d steal the money out of his wallet and painkillers out of his medicine cabinet, just like when I was a kid at Grandma’s. Nothing like the holidays to make you feel nostalgic again!

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