The Teen Choice Awards took place last night, but it’s not airing until tonight, which doesn’t make any sense to me. I suppose it’s a test of willpower for the tweens who watch this shite to not go online and you know, see who won ahead of time. Me, personally, I’m not the least bit interested in who won what when your nominees include Douche Pack members like Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, and Zac Efron. I’d rather just look at pictures and make fun of everyone, wouldn’t you?

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If you’re into pubescent boys with bird chests and masses of eyebrow hair, today is your lucky day — it’s thirteen seconds of Joe Jonas of The Jonas Brothers shirtless from their new craptacular 3D movie. You can go back to third period Algebra or prowling the mall parking garage in an unmarked van now.

The producers of those assy Twilight movies thought long and hard about how they could possibly make the next one worse.  They’ve succeeded beyond my wildest nightmares with the addition of The Jonas Brothers. (Cele|bitchy)

Some douchebag tried to cash in on Rihanna’s pain and suffering by Photoshopping an old picture to give her a black eye and split lip. (Allie is Wired)

Meanwhile, Chris Brown is showing his remorse — or lack thereof — in Vegas. (ASL)

I’ve never cared for Terrence Howard at all, and holy shit is he now going out of his way to justify my intense but random dislike. (WWTDD)

Jay-Z, on the other hand, is making me like him far more than I ever have with his protective big brother attitude. (TheBlemish)

Michelle Obama on the March ‘09 cover of Vogue. (Bumpshack)

It’s Superhero Thursday! (Pajiba)

Mandy Moore is breaking hearts and crushing spirits by marrying that fool Ryan Adams. (CelebNewsWire)

The Ingluorious Basterds trailer is now online. (IDLYITW)

In less glorious bastard news, Joaquin Phoenix is still happening, still annoying as hell whether it’s “performance art” or not. (WIMB)

Mischa Barton is looking… whoa.  Medically unwell, is how she’s looking. (AB)

Aubrey O’Day is a CGI extravaganza on the cover of Playboy. (The Blemish)

The Jonas Brothers arriving at Madame Tussaud’s for the unveiling of their wax figures:

In “Gayest Thing You’ll See All Day” news, The Jonas Brothers unveiled their retina-scarring wax figures at Madame Tussaud’s in Times Square today.  No doubt they can’t wait until everyone leaves so they can stare wistfully at their replica selves and fondle each other in inappropriate shame.

You know what, I’m not really sure your psyches are quite sufficiently damaged.  Let’s go in for some terrifying close-ups, shall we?

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The Grammy Awards were last night, and they were a total snoozefest.  Admittedly, I was powerfully hungover all day yesterday, but I watched the Grammys and they were so boring that I swear I fell asleep at least nine times before they finally ended.  Every performance that wasn’t Radiohead sucked, and  nearly everyone looked like ass on fire.  The header pic is Coldplay, who (naturally) showed up looking particularly jackassy.  Nothing awesome happened at all, and if there were any funny acceptance speeches then they were during my bouts of unconsciousness.  Here’s a round-up of the shiny, the slutty, and the strange.

Carrie Underwood looked super boring, but otherwise okay I guess:

Miley Cyrus was dressed like she was attending the funeral of her own dignity:

Taylor Swift was in mourning with Miley, apparently:

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