People* are always telling me how much I look like Kate Beckinsale, I so I finally sent her my photo and petitioned to be her “Underworld:Evolution” stand-in. I also petitioned to be her high priestess and astral guide, but she didn’t take me up on those offers, either. People just can’t look past a harelip, no matter how practiced in advanced magick and crystal gazing you might be.
*My grandma
Arriving at The Late Show with David Letterman to promote “Underworld: Awakening”:
Jessica Biel made the bold choice of wearing white in the rain — a choice I heartily endorse if there’s a chance you’re gonna get wet, ladies — when she arrived at The Late Show with David Letterman last night. I don’t know about you, but I really like her hair dark and vampy like that. She looks a whole lot more exotic. Like a slightly younger and less curvy version of Sofia Vergara. Until now, I always thought she had the bland, featureless face of a newt, but it just turns out she just needed makeup. Bellissima!
“Glee” star Dianna Agron admitted on last night’s “Late Show with David Letterman” that she had undergone not one, but TWO nose jobs in the last ten years. Somewhere Ashlee Simpson and Jennifer Aniston shuffled their feet and looked away uncomfortably. The Daily Mail says:
But the 25-year-old actress [claimed that both nose jobs were] to fix damage from a broken nose.
Dianna told Letterman that she had the first rhinoplasty when she was at high school after breaking it during a party, and then had the second operation following an incident which occurred on tour with Glee.
She said, “We had a day off and I met up with some of my friends and we were dancing. There was another collision of sorts – I must be turning too quickly, people don’t see me coming or something – but it’s fixed now!”
Not to mention Glee’s mandatory policy to keep repeating the rhinoplasty procedure until you’re physiologically convinced Lea Michele’s shit doesn’t stink. I’m surprised it only took two tries.
David Letterman admitted on CBS’ “Late Show” last night that he had been the victim of a $2 million dollar extortion attempt by a producer at “48 Hours” stemming from his sexual encounters with several women currently in his employ. Letterman, of course, has been married to Regina Lasko since March, after dating her for 23 years, but in his defense, she looks like she should be in construction, or the very least a member of the East German Hammer Throwing Team. According to Variety
On the show, Letterman sat down behind his desk and [said he had] received a package three weeks ago from someone who claimed to have information about alleged sexual relations he has had with female employees of the “Late Show.”
“I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says, ‘I know that you do some terrible, terrible things. And I can prove that you do these terrible things.’ Sure enough, contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things,” Letterman said.
The host said the alleged extortion suspect claimed he planned to write both a movie screenplay and a book based on what he knew — that Letterman had engaged in sex with staffers.
Letterman said the individual threatened to go public with the allegations unless Letterman paid the person $2 million.
The host, under advisement of his attorney, met with the man on three different occasions. According to Letterman, the suspect even made it clear he knew what he was doing was illegal.
Letterman told his audience that he then contacted the Manhattan District Attorney’s Special Prosecution Bureau. The meeting with the D.A. led to a sting operation, in which Letterman met with the individual and handed the person a fake $2 million check. That person was arrested on Thursday.
$2 million? Are you kidding me? In this economy? If the extortionist had kept it reasonable, say, $500,000 and maybe the property rights to Paul Shaffer, he would have his money and his little muppet, too. Now all he’ll have to keep him company are Angelo the Serial Stabber and the nickname “Cream of Meat.”
Anne Heche wouldn’t shut the fuck up about ex-husband Coley Lafoon on The Late Show with David Letterman last night. People Magazine says
“Can you say ‘lazy ass’ on TV?” Heche, 40, asked when he inquired about her ex, the father of her 7-year-old son, Homer.
When asked by Letterman what Laffoon does for a living, Heche [told] the audience: “He goes out to the mailbox and he opens up the little mailbox door and goes, ‘Oh! I got a check from Anne! Oh! I got a check from Anne! Yay!’ ”
“Don’t get married,” the actress advised. “Forever engaged is a wonderful romantic thing to do.”
Hey, remember that time Anne Heche said she was God and that she would take everyone back to heaven in her spaceship as soon as she took a shower at the house of the stranger onto whose doorstep she’d wandered? It was right after she took a bunch of ecstasy and recovered the repressed memory about her gay father molesting her and giving her herpes. But no, let’s talk about her vitriol for her ex-husband instead. That stuff’s waaay more interesting.
Paris Hilton was just on Letterman last week talking about the blissful happiness of her relationship with Doug Reinhardt (video below), so I’m sure you guys will be shocked — just SHOCKED, I tell you — to hear that the fairy tale has ended. From Us:
“In response to inquiries on whether Paris Hilton has split with Doug Reinhardt, we can confirm this is true. They are no longer together,” her rep tells Us of the couple, who have been dating since February. “They remain friends and we ask that you please respect their privacy. Paris will not discuss the relationship further.”
As recently as April, Hilton declared that she’d wed Reinhardt.
“He’s going to be my husband,” she told E!. “We’re best friends. It’s not like we just met. We’ve known each other over the past year. I was in a relationship before and we reconnected. I’m really in love and really happy.”
HAHAHAHA! Ahem… sorry. In related news, it seems that in the midst of releasing statements to everyone on earth, Paris and/or her rep forgot to inform just one person — and that person was Doug Reinhardt. From E! Online:
Too bad Doug didn’t get the memo.
After hearing the breakup news from Team Paris, we contacted Doug earlier this afternoon, and he insisted, “No, that’s not true. Everything is OK between us.”
Oops.
Heeeee! Oh man, Paris Hilton is SUCH an assclown. You’d think that at some point she’d learn to stop cramming those size 17 feet in her mouth, but she’s just so eternally remedial. It’s fascinating to me how she can even remember not to walk on all fours or eat her own feces.
Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt, just days before their split:
Paris on The Late Show with David Letterman on 5 June 2009 yammering incessantly about her “love” and how perfectly happy they are together:
Jennifer Aniston gave David Letterman the infamous tie from her GQ shoot last night while on The Late Show promoting her new movie “Marley & Me.” I have to say, Dave was a lot more professional about it than I would have been. He just puts it around his neck and ties it. I would have first sniffed it like a dog over a molehill and then grabbed either end and rubbed it back and forth over my crotch like I was flossing my genitals while muttering, “Oh, yeah, baby — that’s the stuff” through clenched teeth. Perhaps this is why I still don’t have my own talk show.
After bailing on him on late last month, Presidential hopeful John McCain finally made an appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman last night. And gosh golly gee, was it as riveting as you’d imagined it’d be. That David Letterman really brought the heat, which of course was great for John McCains’s hips and lower back. Ha ha! Get it? You know, because he’s old, and… ugh. Look, I tried. Let’s be honest here. The only thing you’ll find on the internet more boring than this interview will under the heading “accounts payable/accounts receivable” and “Key Management Ratios: From Cash Flow to ROI and ROTA.” Knock yourselves out.
