I’ve never heard of Tula from the hip-hop trio N-Dubz from the UK, and that’s probably because I don’t listen to hip-hop in the first place, and second, I can’t hear anything over the NOM NOM NOM sounds her asscheeks are making munching on her thong.  Seriously, they’re going to need the Jaws of Life to get that out of there by the time her night’s over. It’s obvious she did it on purpose, and for that reason alone I think someone ought to kick her in her ladyparts.

Leaving the Bungalow 8 Club in London

This is Melissa Satta.  She’s one of those naked newscasters in some foreign place, like Italy or Jupiter or something.  She’s also dating some kind of sports-playing person, but I don’t know if it’s an Earthling athlete or a Jupiteranian one.  Anyway, here she is on some beach (possibly on Jupiter) wearing a teeny bikini (the better to show off her clichéd groin tattoos, dontcha know).  I’m not really sure why she’s wearing a scarf with a string bikini.  I think it might be a t-shirt tied around her neck.  What do you mean, why?  Maybe she was bitten by a vampire and she’s ashamed of people finding out she’s a sparkletard.  Maybe Jupiter is really cold… but like, only from the shoulders up, because maybe it has a really shallow atmosphere so your body is all warm and stuff but your head and neck are actually hovering in outer space so they’re freezing and shit.  How the hell should I know?  What do I look like, an astronomer?

“Attack of the Show’s” Olivia Munn posted a couple of sexy pics from her January 2010 spread in Maxim magazine on her official website. She offers this disclaimer alongside the pictures:

YES, that’s my ass. YES, I did a cover shoot and spread for Maxim Magazine. YES I was in revealing outfits. But NO, that doesn’t make me, or any other girl who takes provocative pictures, a whore or slut or anything else that some pathetic loser who just sits behind the comfort of a computer screen judging feels like saying.

She’s right, you know. It doesn’t make her a slut. It makes her a poster child for the attention-starved and the insecure. Teetering precariously on the divide between “abandonment issues” and “anal” shouldn’t just be left to 14-year old girls with MySpace accounts. Preach it, sister!

I’m just thinking ahead to the inevitable comments from girls who are just being haters because someone stole their Trapper Keeper or some shit. I’m surprised at the amount of negative energy other women give each other. It’s one thing to joke and push the limits if it’s not malicious, [but] it’s another thing to be mean to someone in hopes it hurts their feelings and makes you feel better.

If you have any problems with me in this spread, I have two things to say to you: 1. Just don’t look. And 2. You sound like you just need a good fuck.

I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. I’m certainly not in need of a good fuck. I’ll have you know my intact hymen nearly triples my value on the Middle Eastern black markets. Triples! I bet she’d only go for 10 or 12 twelve camels and 500 riyals, tops.

One more Maxim pic, plus four personal shots from her Hawaiian vacation:

The best part of Amber Rose’s bikini is that Kanye West can floss with it after downing a little goûter après-midi of Popeye’s chicken and a $600 bottle of Cristal. Or whatever it is that rap stars eat when they’re not holding their pants up by the crotch and squatting across a stage like a dog trying to get rid of a clinger-on turd. How the hell should I know?

In Miami yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Actress Brooke Smith, who plays the newly-gay Dr. Erica Hahn on the ABC series Grey’s Anatomy, has been abruptly fired from the show, presumably because Grey’s Anatomy has gone too gay for prime time. According to E! Online

Insiders connected to the ABC series that some of the gay-themed storylines are being downplayed and even erased from upcoming scripts. Grey’s has included a prominent bisexual/lesbian storyline this season in the blossoming relationship between Hahn (Smith) and Callie (Sara Ramirez). The storyline will end in this Thursday’s episode, which will be Smith’s last appearance on the series.

But executive producer Shonda Rhimes denied the too-gay claims in the following statement:

“Brooke Smith was obviously not fired for playing a lesbian. Clearly it’s not an issue as we have a lesbian character on the show—Calliope Torres. Sara Ramirez is an incredible comedic and dramatic actress and we wanted to be able to play up her magic. Unfortunately, we did not find that the magic and chemistry with Brooke’s character would sustain in the long run. The impact of the Callie/Erica relationship will be felt and played out in a story for Callie. I believe it belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with ‘another lesbian.’ If you’ll remember, Cristina mourned the loss of Burke for a full season.”

I believe another factor in the impromptu firing is that producers finally realized that “ugly” does not equal “ratings.” Tack on the word “lesbian” to “ugly” and you’ve got yourself a bonafide Nielsons disaster. Unless Grey’s planned on working in a storyline with the Elephant Man’s long-lost twin sister, I’d say Brooke Smith already reached the apex of her career rubbing lotion on its skin from the bottom of a well.

Now, for some not-ugly Vida Guerra ass-action: