I just assumed that Ashton Kutcher’s infidelity was the impetus behind Demi Moore’s filing for divorce, but mysterious sources have since cropped up like warts on the taint of the tabloid media, and they’re alleging that Demi and Ashton had an open marriage the entire time they were together. The Daily Mail says:

It is believed Moore and Kutcher embarked on an ‘open marriage’, with suggestions hinting that the 49-year-old actress is bisexual.

An insider [said]: “Demi is attracted to women just as much as men, so she didn’t always get all she needed from Ashton.”

“Everyone in Hollywood knows about their arrangement, but they’ve managed to keep it a secret from the general public… she was cool with Ashton having flirtatious relationships too. Somehow they made it work all these years. Both of them were respectful of each other. It was a lot of fun for them.”

However, it all changed when Ashton’s affairs became public and that has been the reason for their separation.

Look, I’m about as free-minded as a girl can be, but everybody knows open marriages and threesomes just do not fucking work. As a rule, people don’t like to share. You have to be taught the concept of sharing as a child. It goes against the most basic aspects of human nature. If you were hungry and had a big slice of chocolate cake, you wouldn’t give it to the next dude that walked by, would you? And you sure as hell wouldn’t then stand there watching him eat your cake, waiting for your turn to tap in so you could maybe get a bite of your cake that wasn’t already covered with spittle or semen or your own bitter tears? Of course not. That kinda thing only works out in late-night cable movies.

On vacation in the Caribbean awhile back:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Aniston has finally figured out a way to make you interested in seeing her movies — and it’s not “replacing her with somebody else.” The Daily Mail says:

She is to star in the film Wanderlust, which calls for her to strip off for the first time in her acting career.

Aniston is looking to the Judd Apatow directed film to boost her flagging career.

The film is also likely to include several sex scenes as Aniston’s character sleeps with numerous men at a hippie commune where she is living with her husband, played by Paul Rudd.

Her character also indulges in threesome with two other women and takes drugs.

Nothing conjures up interest in a movie like full frontal nudity. And nothing conjures up a scribner elf like three drops of rain water collected during the waxing phase of the moon, a pinch of Mugwort and six chrysanthemum leaves stirred with a Yew branch at midnight on the first Saturday of the month. Hopefully he’ll want to write about Jennifer Aniston’s new movie when it comes out, because God knows I sure as hell won’t.

^{Video courtesy JoBlo}

This clip from Carmen Electra’s supposedly “leaked” sex tape features no boobies, no vaginas, and hardly any tongue at all. It’s real Rebecca Gayheart home video quality, let me tell you. I’m not going to come straight out and say it’s boring, but you should know I got a bigger boner watching “The Life Cycles of the Mealworm” while alphabetizing my sock drawer. And I don’t even have a penis. So counting this video, that makes two of us with absolutely no wieners at all.

Lots more screen caps after the jump

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A downtown Manhattan Calvin Klein billboard ad depicting a three-on-one group sex scene has family values groups up in arms. Fox News says

The blue-jeans giant has unveiled a jumbo ad that shows two young men and a young woman entwined in a semi-nude threesome, as another man undresses.

Randy Sharp of the American Family Association [said], “I find this kind of ad repulsive, I find it disgusting, I find it inappropriate for a public venue.”

Wendy Wright, president of Concerned Women for America, said, “This is graphic and intended to shock any sensibility — even in New York.”

Frankly, I don’t know what offends me more more — the depiction of a semi-nude threesome, or the man wearing the cuffed denim shorts. Both are pretty repulsive if you ask me.

And speaking of semi-nude, here are some pics of Olivia Wilde in next month’s Maxim:

So… Sunday’s Sun UK had a quaint little piece about how Russell Brand (who famously bragged about sleeping with at least three women per day) fancies himself a latter-day St. Francis of Assisi or some such nonsense, since apparently he told GQ:

“If I’m to find any true happiness I have to devote myself to something bigger than my own ego.

“I’m really getting tired of materialism. I don’t reckon I’ve got more than two or three years.

“I’ve burned out drugs. I’m burning out sex. I don’t even know what I’m doing yet. I’m not ready.

“I’ve got to be in a position where they can’t go, ‘Didn’t he f**k* that stripper? Didn’t he go to that lap-dancing club?’”

“There can’t be any of that around. That’s all got to go – until I’m in a position where I can say, ‘Look I’m celibate, I’m a vegan. All I do is meditate, come out and do stand-up and make films.’”

I’m guessing he attended the Katy Perry seminar on abstinence practice (entitled Abstinence For Beginners: How a 4-Hour Lifestyle Change Can Bring You Nirvana and Free Press) because here’s dear St. Russell and his two most recent acolytes leaving Akon’s wrap party at No5 Cavendish Square, from which they headed directly to Brand’s house.  To meditate, surely.

British singer Lily Allen recently opened up (pun intended) about her lesbian three-way with identical twins. Processing… processing… and nope, I still don’t care about her. She told the Gay Times

“I did once snog identical twins in San Diego. I was on the sofa and I had them both. I was dancing and shoving my ass on one of them. That’s the only time, but I have lesbian dreams a lot.”

She might have called it a “three-way lesbian romp with twins,” but I have another name for it: incest. Really, I can’t imagine anything worse than doing the nasty with my own sister. Except maybe doing it with Lily Allen. Please excuse me while I go gouge out my mind’s eye now.

Photo shoot for “Interview” Magazine: