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31-year-old Christina Aguilera got shit-faced at the Samsung Galaxy Note II launch party last month and tried to convince Disney starlet Vanessa Hudgens to come home with her and boyfriend Matt Rutler for a night of erotic delights. Or possibly a night of eating frosting straight from the can. I don’t know, I wasn’t there. Radar Online says:

The fellow reveler said Aguilera looked like “a hot mess in black stretch pants and wrinkled white T-shirt. There were vodka bottles strewn all over her table… eventually Matt looked like he had taken on the role of babysitter.”

“She spent a lot of time on the dance floor gyrating next to Vanessa… the more Christina drank, the more her kinky side seemed to come out.”

But Hudgens refused to go home with Aguilera and her boyfriend of two years.

“Out of the blue [Christina] stumbled over to Vanessa and begged her to come back home with her and Matt!” the partygoer [said]. “Vanessa was taken aback but smiled and politely declined the offer.”

Nothing reinforces a relationship like twenty extra pounds, unchecked substance abuse and inviting a third person into the bedroom. In fact, in some circles, it’s actually referred to as “The Marriage Saving Trifecta.” I’m pretty sure Dr. Phil did a show about it.

Since I don’t have any way to gouge out your mind’s eye, I thought more pics from the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last night might help. You can play Angel with this gorgeous bra from Roberto Cavalli (or if you could use the padding, this bra from Mimi Holliday by Damarius is plenty sexy, too).

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Kristen Stewart is drawing the ire of concerned parents everywhere with her new movie “On The Road,” and not because someone cast her in the role of something other than a vampire’s girlfriend — it’s because Twilight’s reigning princess jerks off two dudes at once in the film. Dan Gainor of the Culture and Media Institute (remember that name, that guy’s really going places!) told Radar Online says:

“In the film On The Road, Kristen Stewart engages in a threesome and masturbates two male characters according to reports. How will parents who took their daughters to see the Twilight movies explain this? It is irresponsible of Stewart and manipulative of Hollywood bosses to deliberately try to destroy any sense of decency these actresses might have taught young people.”

You can throw in as many threesome and tag-team jerk-offs as you want, but the only way I’m seeing a movie starring Bella fucking Swan is if she gets hit by a bus at the end. The end.

At the premiere of “Cosmopolis” in Cannes last Friday:

I just assumed that Ashton Kutcher’s infidelity was the impetus behind Demi Moore’s filing for divorce, but mysterious sources have since cropped up like warts on the taint of the tabloid media, and they’re alleging that Demi and Ashton had an open marriage the entire time they were together. The Daily Mail says:

It is believed Moore and Kutcher embarked on an ‘open marriage’, with suggestions hinting that the 49-year-old actress is bisexual.

An insider [said]: “Demi is attracted to women just as much as men, so she didn’t always get all she needed from Ashton.”

“Everyone in Hollywood knows about their arrangement, but they’ve managed to keep it a secret from the general public… she was cool with Ashton having flirtatious relationships too. Somehow they made it work all these years. Both of them were respectful of each other. It was a lot of fun for them.”

However, it all changed when Ashton’s affairs became public and that has been the reason for their separation.

Look, I’m about as free-minded as a girl can be, but everybody knows open marriages and threesomes just do not fucking work. As a rule, people don’t like to share. You have to be taught the concept of sharing as a child. It goes against the most basic aspects of human nature. If you were hungry and had a big slice of chocolate cake, you wouldn’t give it to the next dude that walked by, would you? And you sure as hell wouldn’t then stand there watching him eat your cake, waiting for your turn to tap in so you could maybe get a bite of your cake that wasn’t already covered with spittle or semen or your own bitter tears? Of course not. That kinda thing only works out in late-night cable movies.

On vacation in the Caribbean awhile back:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jennifer Aniston has finally figured out a way to make you interested in seeing her movies — and it’s not “replacing her with somebody else.” The Daily Mail says:

She is to star in the film Wanderlust, which calls for her to strip off for the first time in her acting career.

Aniston is looking to the Judd Apatow directed film to boost her flagging career.

The film is also likely to include several sex scenes as Aniston’s character sleeps with numerous men at a hippie commune where she is living with her husband, played by Paul Rudd.

Her character also indulges in threesome with two other women and takes drugs.

Nothing conjures up interest in a movie like full frontal nudity. And nothing conjures up a scribner elf like three drops of rain water collected during the waxing phase of the moon, a pinch of Mugwort and six chrysanthemum leaves stirred with a Yew branch at midnight on the first Saturday of the month. Hopefully he’ll want to write about Jennifer Aniston’s new movie when it comes out, because God knows I sure as hell won’t.

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A downtown Manhattan Calvin Klein billboard ad depicting a three-on-one group sex scene has family values groups up in arms. Fox News says

The blue-jeans giant has unveiled a jumbo ad that shows two young men and a young woman entwined in a semi-nude threesome, as another man undresses.

Randy Sharp of the American Family Association [said], “I find this kind of ad repulsive, I find it disgusting, I find it inappropriate for a public venue.”

Wendy Wright, president of Concerned Women for America, said, “This is graphic and intended to shock any sensibility — even in New York.”

Frankly, I don’t know what offends me more more — the depiction of a semi-nude threesome, or the man wearing the cuffed denim shorts. Both are pretty repulsive if you ask me.

And speaking of semi-nude, here are some pics of Olivia Wilde in next month’s Maxim:

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