Tiger Wood’s home-wrecking whore Rachel Uchitel has gone and completed a private investigator course. Raise your hand if you think she earned herself some “extra credit”. Says Radar Online,

Rachel Uchitel, the New York woman who allegedly had an affair with Tiger Woods, has completed a private investigator course and graduated with top of the class honors, RadarOnline.com has learned.

Uchitel, 36, took her PI exam on Thursday after completing an intense 10-week course.

She took to Twitter to spread the news, writing: “I PASSED. 97 percentile on the Exam.. Graduated top of the class.. So thrilled.”

Uchitel added: “Get ready to be frisked people!”

She graduated with the second best test result in the history of the academy.

Yeah, I bet when she was handed her certificate, the men in the room were all making the blowjob motion with their hands and tongues thrusting into their cheeks behind her back. I’d be interested to see her reaction though, when she finds out that being a “private investigator” has nothing to do with checking out men’s penises. She probably thought that after her thorough work on Tiger, she’d just go make a career out of it.

Back in January:

Now that her divorce from Tiger Woods is final, Elin Nordegren has broken her nine-month silence in an exclusive 19-hour sit-down with People magazine:

“I’ve been through hell. It’s hard to think you have this life, and then all of a sudden — was it a lie?” says the 30-year-old mother of two. “But I survived. It was hard, but it didn’t kill me. I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children.”

Elin, who is studying towards a college degree in psychology, says [of] her husband’s betrayal: “I felt stupid as more things were revealed. How could I not have known anything? The word ‘betrayal’ isn’t strong enough. I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived. I felt betrayed by many people around me. I never suspected, not a one. When all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school. Initially, I thought we had a chance, and we tried really hard.”

She tells the magazine this was her first – and last – interview, as she intends to remain a private person.

Ultimately, though — even though I’m sure she’s found some satisfaction in her ex’s public derision and the complete dismantling of his once-marketable image (and its subsequent effect on his golf game) — nothing has given her more joy than the watching the Dwarf Elephant-unicorn hybrids frolicking in her diamond gardens from high atop the space station she had constructed out of platinum and lined with Mongolian cashmere and c-notes. “I find natural fibers breathe a bit better,” she’s quoted as saying.

Now that Tiger Woods is single, the first whore among the many to be revealed in the months following his car accident is ready to “give up everything” to get him back again. It’s just like a fairytale, if fairytales had more golden showers and butt sex in them. TMZ says:

Rachel Uchitel has just told a very close friend that she wants [Tiger] back.

The friend — someone we know spoke to Rachel yesterday — tells TMZ Rachel said … “I feel horrible for him. He loved her. But he was in love with me. I hope he remembers that was real, and reaches out to me.”

Rachel added, “I’d give up everything to be with him again.”

She’d give up everything to be with him? Does that include the $10 million he paid her to keep her from running her stupid trap to the tabloids, or just her dignity and self-respect? Sorry, but you can’t give away what you don’t already have. I checked.

It’s official — Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are legally divorced. Yahoo News says:

Tiger Woods and his wife officially divorced Monday, nine months after his middle-of-the-night car crash outside his home set off shocking revelations that golf’s biggest star had been cheating on his wife. The couple had married in October 2004 in Barbados and have two children, 3 and 1.

“We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future,” they said in a statement released by attorneys. “While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.”

Terms of the divorce were not released, except that they will “share parenting” of their 3-year-old daughter, Sam, and 19-month-old son, Charlie.

Well, I guess this was a long time coming. Elin might be a Swedish swimsuit model with a rack sculpted by the hand of God himself, but she’s no Perkin’s waitress. She doesn’t even have a real spiral perm or any facial moles or anything. Honestly, I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did.

I repeat, NOT a Perkins waitress:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The first whore to be unearthed in the Tiger Woods sex scandal is joining the distinguished ranks of Vh1′s “Celebrity Rehab,” even though she technically doesn’t have a problem with substance abuse. Unless less you count semen as a substance, in which case Rachel Uchitel has a very serious problem. The Daily Mail says:

The 35-year-old, who’s also admitted to having a ‘romantic relationship’ with married Bones star David Boreanaz, checked into [Celebrity Rehab's] Pasadena Recovery Center on Saturday, [where] she will be encouraged to talk about her six month affair.

What’s her poison? Allegedly, she has an addiction to love.

Uchitel ‘has made some bad relationship choices and is being given the chance to deal with some issues,’ a source told [Us] magazine. ‘She doesn’t do drugs and isn’t an alcoholic, but she does have problems with relationships.’

An “addiction to love?” Gah. That’s totally fucking bogus. Dr. Drew would have just lost all credibility with me, had he had any credibility in the first place. But I don’t see the point of arguing that the lowest-common-denominator-approach cheapens the integrity of the show. It’s called “Celebrity Rehab,” for Chrissakes. It’d be like complaining there are too many flies on your shit sandwich.

The first whore to surface in the Tiger Woods sex scandal is going to let the whole world see where Tiger put his pee-pee. I just hope for their sake both her parents are already dead. TMZ says

Rachel Uchitel has signed a deal to get naked for Playboy Magazine.

A source close to the mag tells us Rachel has the right to pull out any time before the shoot goes down — which is in three weeks.

I don’t care how many call girls and mistresses responsible for bringing down high-profile marriages Hugh Hefner puts on the cover of his magazine, it still doesn’t change the fact that in this day and age, Playboy is virtually obsolete. There’s still the merchandising and the reality shows and the image is still marketable, yes, but the days of guys driving to the store to buy soft-core porno mags are over. It’s called “the internet.” You might have heard of it. Al Gore invented it a few years back. No one in their right mind is gonna pay six bucks to stare at a bowl of plain airbrushed noodles when they could have an entire all-you-can-masturbate double penetration buffet. In this economy, people want to get the most bang for their buck.

Doing whore stuff in Paris:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

As part of his sex rehabilitation, Tiger Woods was forced to write down the list of the names of the nearly 120 women he porked behind his wife Elin Nordegren’s back during their five-year marriage. But there was one woman he “forgot” to put on the list — the 21-year old daughter of his and Elin’s next-door neighbor. Fortunately, the Enquirer was there to help refresh his memory. The Daily Mail

The Enquirer claimed [Elin] decided to sign divorce papers after learning [about] Woods’ alleged fling with Raychel Coudriet, whom he is said to have known since she was just 14.

The golfer is alleged to have listed all the women he bedded as part of his treatment for sex addiction at the Gentle Path rehab center earlier this year, [but] left his young neighbor off the list.

After learning of the Enquirer’s claim, a furious Ms Nordegren called Woods while he was having dinner with friends following the U.S. masters.

“She was screaming so loudly that everyone at the table could hear what she was saying,” a source told the magazine. [She yelled], “This is the worst betrayal ever. I can’t believe you had sex with that girl in our own neighborhood. That’s it – I’m divorcing you!”

I’m glad Elin finally decided to draw the line somewhere. Maybe not at the diner waitresses, or the strippers, or the porn stars, or the hookers, but the point is, she still drew the line. Even if that line happens to be the bottom half of an arrow pointing at the word “chump” directly underneath her picture.

Before he became the poster child for deviancy, Tiger Woods once dated country singer LeAnn Rimes. Us Magazine says

Woods, now 34, and Rimes, 27, “went out a few times” before she wed soon-to-be ex-husband Dean Sheremet in 2002.

“They hooked up and everything,” the source [says]. “Tiger was really into her. He likes those blondes!”

Alas, Rimes’ dad protested. “Her dad almost had a heart attack,” the source adds. “And he made her stop seeing Tiger.”

Interestingly, both Woods and Rimes went on to have affairs during their marriages. Rimes had an on-set tryst with Eddie Cibrian while shooting the 2009 Lifetime movie Northern Lights.

So LeAnn went from dating a black dude to marrying a gay man to cheating on her gay husband with a married man. That’s what we in the Bible Belt refer to as “Satan’s Hat Trick.”

LeAnn looking surprisingly svelte and toned last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

More women have come forward this week claiming to have bedded sex-scandal-plagued Tiger Woods (whore left) and Jesse James (whore right). You might want to go ahead and Lysol your monitor before you read any further. The Daily Mail says

Adult film actress Devon James claimed her relationship with Woods lasted for two-and-a-half years.

The 29-year-old blonde said Woods paid nearly [six grand] for her and another woman to engage in a threesome.

Ms James [says Tiger] brought up his wife Elin Nordegren on their second meeting, telling her that she didn’t want to have sex very often.

She insisted she could back up her romantic connection to Woods with phone records.

What a classy dame right there. Put a swastika on that hat and a few more tattoos on her chest and she could have been underneath Jesse James a couple of times, too. Kinda like Melissa Smith, the chick on the right in the header shot. Star Magazine says

The sexy blonde stripper spills the exclusive details of her affair with the Jesse — including unprotected sex, kinky requests and intercourse on his office couch.

Melissa first made contact with Jesse online… in September 2006 (a year after he married Sandra) when he saw a photo of her on the Web site posing in front of a car at a West Coast Choppers party.

After a few exchanges, he introduced himself as Jesse James and gave his e-mail address with the name “Vanilla Gorilla” — the nickname Jesse goes by and Michelle referred to as well.

Soon after Melissa traveled to California, where they “ended up having sex on his couch,” Melissa [says].

And there’s sure to be more women to come. Us Magazine says

Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James cheated on her with other women besides tattoo model Michelle McGee.

“This is just the first person who has gone public,” one source [says]. “This is not an isolated incident. When Sandra is away, he gets bored.”

In fact, James’ infidelity has been an open secret among employees at his West Coast Choppers bike shop. James would regularly post Internet ads looking for “hot, tattooed biker chicks with big boobs,” says a source. “He sees their photos, answers the ads and invites the girls to his office.”

How could Bullock, 45, be in the dark about her husband of nearly five years?

“He is a whole other person when they’re together,” says a source. “She was completely duped.”

This just confirms my suspicion that women would rule the fucking galaxy if we didn’t keep falling in love with the jerkoffs we sleep with. Pussy makes the world go round. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry. It sells everything from automobiles to soda and seems to be the only reason most men get up in the morning. You can be fat, old, ugly, stupid — doesn’t matter, so long as you have a vagina. It’s the proverbial “carrot before the horse,” so to speak. As long as you’re willing to defile yourself with said carrot in front of a webcam while wearing a leather bustier and another woman’s ass as a hat. Only then will our dreams of an absolute gynocracy finally be realized, ladies!

Tiger Woods gave his first interview since his November car crash and subsequent sex scandal to ESPN’s Sports Center Sunday night, but don’t get too excited, because he didn’t say anything he hadn’t already said before. People magazine reports

“I was living a life of a lie, I really was,” a sober-sounding Woods told ESPN [in the five-minute interview]. “Stripping away denial and rationalization you start coming to the truth of who you really are and that can be very ugly.”

“I hurt [my wife and mother] the most,” he said. “Those are the two people in my life who I’m closest to – and to say the things that I’ve done truthfully to them was very painful.

But why not seek help sooner? Said Woods: “I didn’t know I was that bad.”

“I’m a little nervous about [playing at the Masters April 8th], to be honest with you. It would be nice to hear a couple claps here and there,” Woods said.

“[But] I’m excited to get back and play, I’m excited to get to see the guys again,” Woods said. “But still, I still have a lot more treatment to do, and just because I’m playing, doesn’t mean [I will] stop going to treatment.”

Jesus, what a waste of five minutes of Sports Center. That was so scripted and vanilla, it could have been an episode of fucking Barney. But now for some more interesting news: Tiger has sicc’ed his lawyers on a company that has been selling sex toys using his likeness (see photo of one of the products here). Believe me, they didn’t let the last name “Woods” go to waste. According to TMZ

Tiger’s lawyer sent [a letter] to Pipedream Products — the company that is selling a line of Tiger sex toys, including blow-up Tiger sex dolls, giant condoms and a number of filthy items we won’t even try to describe.

Tiger’s lawyer demands Pipedream stop selling the porno products, recall all items that have already been distributed and then destroy or dispose them “in a manner and at a time as directed by Tiger Woods.”

And I think we all know in what “manner” Tiger Woods would have them disposed of. Stuff ‘em all in the poopers of some third-rate porn stars while he pees on them and chokes them from behind. Like my dad always said, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. Of course, he was talking about changing the oil in his car, not wee-weeing on whores, but I think it still applies here.

Just a week after he publicly announced his triumphant return to golf, more of Tiger Wood’s filthy sext messages to porn star Joslyn James were made public yesterday via Sexting Joslyn James, and they’re even worse than most people thought. I picked my favorites out for you here (you can read the more boring ones after the jump):

Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard

Tiger:Sent: 04″02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat

Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore

Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own

Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise

Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten

Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009:
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy

Tiger:Sent: 01:28 PM 09/08/2009:
Have you ever had a golden shower done to you

Let’s be honest here — you really don’t need to ask that dirty skank if she’s “ever had a golden shower done to her.” I think it’s pretty obvious that chick has been peed on more times than a dog park fire hydrant. From the looks of her, she’s probably had more golden showers than actual showers. It’s not like baby wipes and Jovan Musk buy themselves, you know.

In case you forgot how disgusting she was:

(more…)

Now that he’s finished with sex therapy, Tiger Woods has checked into The Meadows treatment center in Arizona to kick his addiction to painkillers and sleeping pills. The New York Post says

Woods’ drugs of choice are said to be the sleep medication Ambien and painkiller Vicodin.

“In [sex] therapy, Tiger blamed a lot of his cheating behavior on his drug addiction, saying that the drugs were responsible for impairing his judgment,” an anonymous source [said].

The golfer’s lovers have said he enjoyed mixing Ambien and sex to heighten pleasure.

I can barely point the car in the right direction when I’m wacked out on painkillers, much less hit a tiny ball with a little stick and make it land within three feet of a hole 200 yards away from me. The inside of Tiger’s head must look like the goddamn targeting system of a F-14 Tomcat.