Tiger Woods finally spoke publicly today about the many affairs that surfaced following his Thanksgiving accident. He said (via People Magazine):

“I want to say to each of you simply and directly: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible, selfish behavior. I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior,My real apology will not come in the form of words, but my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss. What we say to each other will remain between the two of us.

I had a lot of time to think of what I have done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before.

The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable – and I am the only person to blame. I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me.”

And then, in regards to rumors that his wife beat the ever-living shit out of him the night of the accident:

I have a lot to atone for, but there’s one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that: Elin never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been [any] domestic violence in our marriage. Ever.”

Praising his wife’s “enormous grace and poise,” the embattled athlete said he hoped the media would focus its attention on him and his indiscretions – not his wife or children.

I could really give a shit his stupid sexual “issues.” All I want to know is, how am I gonna get back the 20 minutes of “The Price is Right” I lost to this crap? Huh? The answer is, I can’t! You just stop and think about that, Tiger Woods.

Nearly three months after the news of his car-accident-turned-whorefest broke, Tiger Woods is finally addressing the incident publicly for the first time. According to TMZ

Tiger Woods will speak publicly at the PGA Tour Headquarters on Friday at 11:00 AM ET.

According to Tiger’s agent, Mark Steinberg, Tiger plans to apologize for his behavior and discuss his plans for the future.

Steinberg said no one will be able to ask questions during the news conference. There is a report out that Tiger will read a prepared statement.

And the following message was posted on Tiger Woods’ official website yesterday:

“While Tiger feels that what happened is fundamentally a matter between him and his wife, he also recognizes that he has hurt and let down a lot of other people who were close to him. He also let down his fans. He wants to begin the process of making amends, and that’s what he’s going to discuss.”

Sorry, but I think it’s too little, too late at this point. Unless he’s planning on pulling down his pants and showing he’s wearing a titanium chastity belt with armored 40H Mortise locks, I doubt anyone’s going to buy what he’s selling.

John Mayer decided to weigh in on the Tiger Woods sexting situation, and his commentary is just as goddamn retarded as you might expect.  From OK!:

John Mayer is happy to admit he sends the ladies in his life some fairly adult material via text message, but the difference between him and shamed golfer Tiger Woods? The guitar player isn’t the one with a wife.

“No. Tiger Woods’ problems come from him being married. The end. It has nothing to do with control,” John told the UK’s Independent newspaper. “If Tiger Woods was a single guy, what sort of angle would there be to a text message?

“If Tiger Woods was single and he texted a girl and said, ‘I wanna
wear your a** like a hat,’ why would that ever hit the news?

“I can text whatever I want to anybody in the world; I’m not married. I write a lot of dirty text messages to girls, and you’ve never seen any of them.

“Why? Because if a girl brought a dirty text message from me to the
newspapers, they’d say, ‘I don’t have an angle here. Someone wants to
wear your a** like a hat? Big deal. He’s 32 years old. He’s a single
guy. If John Mayer has a wife and sends dirty texts, then we got a
story.’ And that’s why I won’t do that.”

“When I get married, that’s gonna be my vows, ‘Do you, John Mayer,
take this woman to have and to hold, to wear her a** like headgear?’
Yes, I do – you’re the one whose a** I wanna wear like a hat for the
rest of my life.”

Gee whiz, what a charmer.  What girl doesn’t dream of this kind of panty-melting romance from a silvertongued devil of her very own?  And by that, of course I mean to say that John Mayer is an unfunny, self-absorbed asshat whose ego might theoretically be big enough to actually plug the hole in the ozone, if only he’d use his asshat powers for good instead of evil.

A Playboy Cybergirl turned high-priced call girl revealed yesterday that she was mistress 3,274 in the Tiger Woods sex scandal. Now, I know you’re saying “ooh, another whore — so what, who cares?” Well, brace yourself: according to The Sun

Loredana Jolie, 26, said the golfer enjoyed watching MEN dirty dancing for each other.

The Sicilian-born blonde recalled: “Tiger’s sexual fantasies were not normal. He likes role playing, he likes to be the guy in control and wearing a suit while there are girls performing girl-on-girl and guys entertaining guys.

By that, I mean they would dance for each other like girls would do for a man. He had male friends, and I am sure they got involved.”

Damn. He’s like a black Caligula. All he needs to do now is make his horse a high priest, have sex with his sister and slit his father-in-law’s throat. You have to admit, “Let them hate me, so they but fear me!” would make a great ad slogan for Gilette.

Lordena Jolie in the flesh (thumb 3 NSFW):

While Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren joined her husband at Mississippi-based sex rehabilitation clinic Gentle Path over the weekend as part of his “intensive recovery program,” new reports of yet another of Woods’ mistresses surfaced — number 19 for those keeping count — who was still in contact with Tiger as recently as three weeks ago (see photo of her here). The Daily Mail says

Mother-of-two Emma Rotherham, 42, was paid more than [$600,000] hush money to keep quiet about their affair.

She agreed to sign a confidentiality agreement after a member of the golfer’s security team handed her a sports bag stuffed with half-a-million dollars in $100 bills.

A source [revealed], “Emma was his most recent mistress. They had a very, very passionate relationship and she has dozens of text messages and emails from him. Some were even sent while Tiger was trying to patch things up with his wife. If those came out, they’d bury him.”

Not only will the wifey be interested in all this — it appears the Internal Revenue Service wants a hand in it, too:

A federal tax inspector said: “Any large financial gift must be declared to the IRS, otherwise it will be dealt with as tax evasion.

This is a very high profile case, so I suspect when [Ms. Rotherham] files her tax return this year, they will be looking out for any large donation from an outside source.

Failure to declare this money would be considered an offense. The same applies to the person who made the donation, [in this case, Tiger Woods].”

Wait, they’re saying you have to report large duffel bags full of cash to the IRS? Well, I guess demanding payment in unmarked non-sequential bills is kinda pointless, then. Good to know. Colombian drug cartels and mafia dons, you might want to go ahead and start stocking up on 1040EZ forms now. April 15th will be here before you know it!

One of his other mistresses, Jamiee Grubbs, at a charity event last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

So, remember how everyone was shocked and appalled to find out that straightlaced Tiger Woods was actually a deranged sex maniac?  It turns out that it really wasn’t so surprising, and he’s just been hiding his freak light under a bushel for over a decade.  From the NY Daily News:

Showing off his guns and abs and glaring at the camera, Woods looks nothing like the good guy of the greens in the Annie Liebowitz shot gracing the February cover of the latest issue of Vanity Fair.

The menacing shot – never before seen – was taken in January 2006, long before the world learned the married father of two cheated on his wife with as many as a dozen women.

In the accompanying article, Buzz Bissinger interviews some of the reporters who covered Woods for years to find out how the golf great kept his catting around under wraps for so long.

Bissinger also revisits the embarrassing interview that a then-21-year-old Woods gave to Charles Pierce of GQ magazine in 1997. Woods joked about lesbian sex and the endowments of black athletes – the kind of gaffe he never repeated once he signed with super agent Mark Steinberg.

Really?  How embarrassing could it have been?  Oh wait, hang on to your hats.  From Us:

At one point, Woods said during the tape recorded interview: “What I can’t figure out is why so many good-looking women hang around baseball and basketball. Is it because, you know, people always say that, like, black guys have big dicks?”

Bissinger notes that during a photo shoot — “where four women attended to his every need and flirted with him as he flirted back” — Woods told a joke. He rubbed the tips of his shoes together and then asked the women, “What’s this?” Woods then replied. “It’s a black guy taking off his condom.”

Woods also cracked that lesbians are “faster” at sex than gay men because women “are always going 69,” Bissinger notes.

Bissinger writes that the interview “was the only honest and open one Woods has ever given. After that the steel wall of insulation came down, spearheaded by I.M.G.,” his agency.

Okay, that’s pretty goddamn embarrassing, but meh, whatever about all of that.  It ain’t news that Tiger Woods is a philandering asshole.  What I wanna talk about is why Annie Liebowitz apparently photographed him during a prison yard workout.  Also, EW, GROSS.  Put your shirt back on, Tiger.  There’s something strange and off-putting going on with your moobs, you’ve kinda got a gut, and your nipple hair tufts are freaking me out.  You look like my grandpa, and he’s about 190 years old and I’d rather scoop out my eyes with a melon baller than see him with his shirt off.

Anyway, the NY Daily News article goes on to say that Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren, is currently off frolicking in the French Alps, avoiding his ass and writing up Excel spreadsheets detailing the many, many ways in which she will be spending his money in the years to come.

Epic diddler Tiger Woods may be high-tailing it to France in the wake of his highly-publicized affairs. Popeater has the exclusive story:

Tiger Woods might have to change his passport to Tigre Woods (French for Tiger), because Naughty But Nice is exclusively reporting that the devastated golf pro is pondering a move to France thanks to the country’s media rules. Tiger, like other celebs who are ducked out in the land of cheese and wine, hopes that these regulations will help him lay low while his cocktail waitress shenanigans scandal blows over.

According to Michael Wildes, immigration attorney and managing partner at prominent NYC-based immigration law firm Wildes & Weinberg, Woods’ dash to France makes sense, because there are “much stricter privacy laws that afford the Brangelinas of the world a tinted aquarium, rather than the transparent fishbowl that is the U.S. media, in which to live and breathe in virtual freedom and privacy.”

Sure, sure, they might have much stricter privacy laws than they do here, but I’m guessing there’s another reason for the rumored move. Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady had it pegged: “The French don’t care what you do, so long as you pronounce it correctly.” Bingo!

In the wake of his public cheating scandal, pro golfer Tiger Woods has decided to take an indefinite leave from the game that made him famous. He said in the statement (via Yahoo News):

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

You know, you could draw a lot of parallels between him and the late golf great Ben Hogan, who also took an indefinite leave from golf following a car accident. Only Ben’s leave was the result of a double-fracture of the pelvis, a fractured collar bone, a fractured ankle and chipped ribs after throwing himself across his wife Valerie in order to protect her in a head-on collision with a Greyhound bus, and Tiger’s was more of a “running away from his wife in a Vicodin-induced stupor because he was fucking everything with a pussy between here and San Bernadino.” Just leave out the whores and the booze and the lying and it’s practically the same freakin’ story.

The Dirty already gave you a little taste of this, but now it’s getting national attention: Tiger Woods may have a number of bastard children on the way. According to the National Enquirer

A disgraced Tiger Woods is terrified that the worst news is yet to come – that he fathered love children with his mistresses!

The golf great had wild unprotected sex with a string of mistresses and now he fears claims that his out-of-control sexual proclivities may have produced children.

“That would be the final straw for his wife – AND Tiger knows it,” said an insider. “But there is definitely more than one woman out there who could come forward to say she had his babies.”

And even better, one of his unnamed whores is claiming to have sold naked pictures of Tiger to Playgirl, and now there’s even a sex tape in the mix:

The bombshell charge that could wreck what’s left of his once squeaky-clean image, sink his badly tattered marriage and destroy his multimillion-dollar endorsement empire — his many liaisons may have been caught on tape!

The 33-year-old sports star is reportedly worried that a lurid sex tape could [wind up on the internet]. At least one of the women [with whom he had an affair is said to have] shot homemade videos of romps with [the golfer].

Tiger’s frantic handlers are scrambling to bury any talk of sex tapes, minimize the damage and perform CPR on his image.

He’s gone from being the clean-cut patron saint of golf to porking skanks he met in a truck stop bathroom off I-40. I don’t think “image CPR” is going to cut it. Maybe a defibrillator or seventeen, powered by gamma rays produced by nuclear fusion in hydrogen core of the sun. And even then, the odds aren’t good. Unless he finds a cure for childhood cancer and figures out how to make every day Christmas for the next 20 year, his endorsement deals are pretty much over.

_{WARNING: Language NSFW}

In case you had a hard time believing that somebody like Tiger Woods would actually diddle a porn star, “Suck It Dry 6″ star Holly Sampson was telling the interwebs all about her indiscretion with the golfer way before Tiger parked his SUV in that tree. TMZ says

Porn star Holly Sampson talked openly about allegedly bedding Tiger Woods on an adult website [six months ago], in May [of 2009].

Nobody believed it back then — but that was before Tiger admitted his “transgressions.”

TMZ obtained the riveting interview from Naughty America’s “Live with Lauren,” and I took the liberty of editing the highlights for you:

Did you fuck anybody famous?

Sampson: “I had sex with Kevin Costner… he has a huge dick. Huge! He could line 10 girls up in a row and fuck them all, no problem at all… he wasn’t married at the time.”

Anybody else?

Sampson: “Oh, I had sex with Tiger Woods… me and my girlfriends, we did a bachelor party for Tiger… he picked me to go in the room..and I have to say he was really good.”

Did Tiger fuck you doggystyle?

Sampson: “No… he’s like the whitest black boy you’ve ever met. His teeth are perfect and he’s the perfect gentleman. He’s beautiful.”

Did you suck Tiger’s cock?

Sampson: “Ummm… I did.”

Did he go down on you?

Sampson: “You know, I can’t remember… No, I don’t think he did… it was pretty simple, straight up sex.”

Where did Tiger cum?

Sampson: In his condom, like a good boy. I practice safe sex.

You look a lot like his wife…

Sampson: “I know! I think he would probably die if he knew I was telling this on the internet but that’s okay, I don’t care. It was fun, it’s not like it was any big mystery.”

Damn skippy it’s no big mystery! The whole GD world knows all the nasty places Tiger’s been stuffing his putter. It’s over, man. The carefully crafted facade is gone. If this guy were any more fucked, he’d be Lindsay Lohan’s asshole on New Year’s Eve. And five-to-one odds says he’s been there, too.

You probably feel like you’ve seen more of Tiger Woods lately than you ever wanted to see in your life, but one place you weren’t seeing him these last two weeks was on commercials — and you probably won’t be any time soon. Undoubtedly bad news for Tiger, who earns nearly $90 million in contract endorsements with Accenture Plc, Nike, Gatorade, Tag Heuer, Electronic Arts and Gillette. Bloomberg reports

Advertisements featuring [Tiger Woods] have disappeared. The last prime-time ad featuring the golfer was a 30-second Gillette Co. spot on Nov. 29. Woods also was absent from ads on a number of weekend sports programs, including NFL games.

Then Toys R Us went and put his action figures on clearance, and now Gatorade has gone and pulled his drink. TMZ says

Gatorade is shutting down production of their special brand of Tiger Woods brew this month. Gatorade says Tiger Woods Focus Gatorade will conveniently be discontinued as of December 26.

I wouldn’t start stuffing my money in a mattress just yet. There are plenty of new, even bigger endorsement deals out there now that he’s been revealed as a whoremongering alcoholic. Like Trojan brand condoms, for instance. Or that website for married people who want to have affairs, Ashley Madison. Or Pfizer pharmaceuticals, Tiger’s one-stop shop for Ambien, Vicodin and Valtrex. And, of course, my personal favorite, the Fore-Par Golf Clean brand Ball Washer® — because Tiger knows what it’s like to have dirty balls!

Porn actress Joslyn James, star of such hits as “Shorty Iz Fuckin’ Yo Mama 2″ and “Seymore Butts: Jenna 9.5″ (NOT making these up), has become the tenth woman implicated in the Tiger Woods cheating scandal. The Daily Mail says

Joslyn James, who has starred in a number of extremely explicit adult films, allegedly slept with the sportsman on a number of occasions.

According to sports website Deadspin.com, she had boasted of their relationship to a friend [and] is said to have considered herself Woods’ ‘full-time mistress.’

I’m hoping Tiger was on this hot mess before the gender-reassignment surgery went so terribly, terribly wrong, but at this point, to be honest, it doesn’t even matter anymore. The guy has no standards whatsoever. You could paint of vagina on the side of a tree and chances are good he’d end up plastered to it Wile E. Coyote-style.

His beautiful muse in action (you may want to douse yourself with Bactine before watching):