Katy Perry and Russell Brand were married in an elephant-laden Hindu ceremony near a nature reserve in India on Saturday. The New York Daily News says:

The nuptials featured an over-the-top procession of 21 camels, elephants and horses, plus dancers and musicians.

A Hindu priest officiated the celebrity wedding in front of family and close friends at the Aman-e-Khas resort near a wild tiger preserve in northwestern India.

The 25-year-old singer wore a sari and had henna designs painted on her hands as part of the six-day celebration. Trees inside the resort were decorated with white and gold lights, and tents were adorned with flower garlands.

Well, it’s all fun and games until someone steps in an elephant patty. Or until armed guards have to beat the shit out of a six hundred pound tiger fifty feet from the terrified guests running and screaming for their lives. The Daily Mail says:

Russell Brand and Katy Perry spent their first night as man and wife surrounded by armed guards after a man-eating tiger gatecrashed their Indian jungle wedding.

The male predator, which has killed three people in the past two years, scaled two walls at the wedding venue after being attracted by the noise and lights at the [$625,000] event.

It was finally beaten away by guards as it tried to jump a third wall just 50ft from the newlyweds and their 85 guests.

But once the big cat was beaten unconscious, the fun and extravagance resumed as if nothing had happened, thanks largely in part to all the alcohol and designer drugs you know were on hand at the ceremony. And then it was present time! The Daily Mail adds:

Brand spent thousands buying a female Bengal tiger [as a wedding gift for Perry]. Russell was also said to have given Katy a ruby which is said to possess ‘protective powers’, while Katy decided to give her man a baby elephant as a love token.

Good thing they already told me what Russell got her! I was this close to buying Katy a tiger and a raw ruby with magical powers. Believe you me, it’s not as easy to exchange tigers and uncut gemstones as you would think. The Kokang Chinese in Myanmar don’t really do “returns.”

Blurry far-away post-wedding pictures:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Tiger Woods’ attorneys have gone ahead and put the kibosh on the airing of any nude photos and videos of their disgraced client. TMZ says

Tiger Woods’ lawyers sent a letter to multiple papers and blogs stating the court order “prevents the publication of any photographs, footage or images taken or obtained of the claimant [Tiger] naked or any naked parts of the claimant’s [Tiger's] body or of him involved in any sexual activity.”

But then they throw in this little disclaimer:

“This order is not to be taken as any admission that any such photographs exist, and in the event they do exist they may have been fabricated, altered, manipulated and/or changed to create the false appearance and impression that they are nude photographs of our client.”

Translation: oh, they’re out there — just give it time. The internet bows to no man. Once nekkid pics surface, they’re impossible to squelch. It’d be like trying to catch a cloud and pin it down. And how do you solve a problem like Maria? A flibbertijibbet! A will-o’-the wisp! A clown! There. Now it’s in your head the rest of the day, too. Stupid Sound of Music. But I digress…

On to nobler pastures, Tiger was also paying for a lot of the pussy he was raking in. As in hookers. E! Online says

The owner of a now-defunct VIP escort service [Michelle Braun] says that she counted Woods among her celebrity clients and that the golfer “had a pretty big appetite for women.”

Two of [her] former employees were porn actress Holly Sampson and onetime Trashy Lingerie model Jamie Jungers. Neither Sampson nor Jungers could be reached for comment about their involvement with Braun, who gave E! News copies of [their] 1099 tax forms [from] last year.

Woods [was] always “smart enough” to pay in cash, she said. The golfer, in particular, “liked to communicate by text message.”

Woods spent three weekends in Vegas with her girls over the years, dropping $30,000 to $40,000 per trip.

First cocktail waitresses, then porn stars, now hookers — he’s pretty much run the gamut when it comes to your run-of-the-mill whore. All that’s left to surface now are donkeys and German transvestite dominatrices. I give it ’till the end of next week.