Tila Tequila was hospitalized last week following a nearly-fatal brain aneurysm, but somehow the aneurysm didn’t kill her. Neither did the two bottles of prescription drugs she chowed down on in the moments after her aneurysm or the jump she attempted to make out of her bedroom window, leading me to believe that Tila Tequila is either a wizard or part cockroach. They can survive for three weeks without a head, you know. Radar Online says:

According to the source, Tila suffered a brain aneurysm in the middle of the night, which caused her to think irrationally. Due to the pain, she took two bottles of unspecified heavy prescription drugs.

“Tila threw up all over her bed after overdosing and felt like she was dying. She was screaming for help, and in desperation, broke her bedroom window and attempted to jump out,” the source said.

“Finally a friend came over after getting a strange text from her and found her convulsing on the bed. He called an ambulance and she was taken to the hospital.”

Tila was hospitalized just in time to stabilize her and she was under intensive care all week.

“It’s sad to think she may have some permanent brain damage,” the source said.

“She still can’t fully speak properly.”

Note that they said she MAY have brain damage, which is just a nice way of saying “Given how fucking stupid she was before, it’s virtually impossible for us to tell.” I’m sure they attempted to give her a number of cognitive tests that all ended with her mounting the leg of the test-giver and spanking herself with the flashcards.

Tila Tequila is claiming that she is on her way to becoming Jewish, much like the way I used to the bullies in high school that it didn’t matter if they kicked my ass because I could always Force-heal afterward. TMZ says,

TMZ has learned Tequila has been taking classes at a NY temple to begin the conversion process … and even skipped Christmas this year to focus on change.

We spoke with the former MTV reality star about the situation and she explained, “As time passed, I started to become more and more fascinated with Kabbalah, the culture, and the way of life of the reform Judaism religion.”

And even though she starred in a sex tape, Tequila says … “I feel Orthodox is a little hardcore for me at this stage.”

Tila adds, “I just feel like the Jewish people have such a beautiful way about them, and I can’t wait to officially be Jewish! Shabbat Shalom.”

In the real world*, someone as crazy as her would be relegated to a corner in the backyard, tethered to a tree, given the monthly shower with the garden hose, and fed stale Ritz crackers. In Hollywood, however, media outlets pick up the story and she gets publicity. They never tell you in school that “crazy” can be a marketable skill.

_{*My family}

A 3 minute clip from Tila Tequila’s yet-to-be-released lesbian threesome sex tape has leaked online (watch it here), and mother of God is it disgusting. I actually have a vagina, and even I don’t know what I’m seeing in half of the pics. Like (NSFW) here, for instance. What the fuck IS that? Is it the tip of an elephant’s trunk? The all-seeing eye of Sauron? Am I looking into the Sarlaac in the Great Pit of Carkoon? I don’t know whether to be terrified or aroused, so I’m going to go with my gut and just start drinking.

Puppy thumbnails are extremely NSFW screen caps:

Acting legend Tony Curtis passed away yesterday at the age of 85, but he didn’t have any sex tapes for sale, so you can understand why I have to devote the rest of this post to Hobgoblin of the Orient Tila Tequila. It’s called “pageviews,” people. It’s not my fault that all you want to look at is smut. TMZ says:

There are two [Tila Tequila sex] tapes, two different partners with two different sexes, and two porn companies bidding for both.

Vivid Entertainment wants both the girl-on-girl and guy-on-girl configurations — but another company has already gotten a hold of one of the tapes and is angling for the second.

A source close to the negotiations tells us it’s an all-out porn war.

Just file that one two under “Sex Tapes Nobody Wants to See,” right next to “Screeched: Saved by the Smell” and footage of Rosie O’Donnell defiling herself with a pork tenderloin.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

In the best news I’ve heard all month, Tila Tequila was viciously pelted with bottles and firecrackers when she took to the stage at a Gathering of the Juggalos in Illinois this weekend. For those of you whose daddies loved you and never forced you to shop at Hot Topic out of insecurity and a desperate need for social acceptance, a “Gathering of the Juggalos” is some kind of annual 4-day music festival centered around the Insane Clown Posse. Tila told TMZ:

“I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the shit out of the port-0-potty and threw shit and piss at me when I was onstage.

These people were trying to kill me. So then after the last blow to my head with the firecracker they threw at me exploded, my bodygaurd and the other security grabbed me and ran as fast as they could to the shitty trailor. Since their security SUCKS, the 2 thousand people ran after us, trying to kill me. They almost got me so they finally reach the trailor, blood all over myself, cant stop bleeding, then all of a sudden, all 2 thousand people surround the trailor and busts the windows!!! Even the guys INSIDE with me were shaking! Their hands were shaking cuz they were so scared! So 3 guys inside the trailor had to grab a table and push it over the broken windows and grabbed all the chairs they could find so hold the people from outside back. It was scary as hell!”

The question is, did TIla Tequila really do everything she could to diffuse the situation before it got out of hand? Well, of course she did! If by “diffuse the situation” you mean “showed her tits and then hid behind a wall of security guards,” which I naturally assumed you did. TMZ says:

Halfway through the chaos, Tila ripped off her top to try and distract the crowd. That only worked for about a minute before they all went back to throwing stuff at her.

The ordeal lasted about 15 minutes. A security guard [said] someone had a watermelon that had been fermenting in urine and feces for two days and that they had been saving it all weekend for Tila. No word if the watermelon connected.

I never thought I’d ever identify with a fan of ICP, but damn if I don’t feel like an tubby midwestern suburbanite who’s just been hosed down with Faygo and a false sense of identity. Bring on the Dark Carnival, bitches!

Click here to see the rest of the assault photos; video of the event below:

For some reason Tila Tequila is pretending she isn’t a virtue-less slattern and is all up-in-arms about a sex tape rumor. Says Popeater,

Hours after reports that Tila Tequila was set to star in a porn video, the sex-charged Internet starlet took to her blog to vehemently deny everything.

“I finally got online and saw that there are FALSE RUMORS that I made a deal for a SEX TAPE! Which is BULL***T!!” Tila, 28, wrote on MissTilaOMG.com. “I have a feeling I know who is behind spreading these rumors. He used to work for the OMG staff, got fired for inappropriate behavior and now he’s p****d!”

“Tila inked this deal hoping that she’ll make millions off the sale of it,” a source originally told RadarOnline.com, who reported the porn film would come from “a major distributor.”

Though Tila has posed nude and been involved in plenty of scandalous endeavors, this would have been her first foray into porn.

Tequila’s announcement that she did not participate in a porn video quickly turned into an attack on the person she suspects of selling the falsified story:
“My pit bull Lawyer, Alan Gutman, is already on getting ready to file a restraining order from you! Do you want to play hardball? Do you want me to tell the WORLD what you did to me? Well since I have more class than you, I’m not going to tell them. Time will tell itself once the news comes out of the VIOLENT things you did to me, that scared the s**t out of me until I kept my mouth shut about it … I was so afraid to tell people what REALLY HAPPENED! You will all know soon enough! And for once and for all, I DID NOT, and I repeat, I DID NOT MAKE A DEAL TO MAKE A SEX TAPE!”

Um, if I remember correctly, she already had a sex tape that supposedly got “stolen” and leaked online, so I don’t know what the big deal is. Plus, this is the creature that makes a living being the biggest whore this side of Babylon, so this pretty much just sounds like any other of her crazy shenanigans. I bet her “pit bull lawyer” is like, a real pit bull. I’m just waiting for the day when the combination of drugs and whatever mental illness(es) she has come to a boiling point and fry her little spastic bird brain.

At a party at Fred Segal in Hollywood (who the hell invites her anyway?):

Photo source: Fame Pictures

What the hell is this? My go-to piss-crazy famewhore Tila Tequila is wearing a maxi dress?? And it’s not even a maxi dress with strategically placed holes for her nipples to pop out or anything, it’s covering all her ladybits. This is really weird. It’s like the whole universe is turned upside down. I need a drink.

Is it an edible maxi dress?

Tila Tequila’s reign of batshit insanity continued this past weekend with her pretending that she got attacked by a multiple personality called ‘Jane’ and posted a fake video of it on her website. People for some reason got all freaked out and called the cops, only to learn that it was all a joke. Whee! Ha ha! Good times! Aren’t you laughing? Says RadarOnline,

Tila Tequila’s fake suicide stunt caused a spectacular waste of Los Angeles Police Department resources, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.
Several police, paramedics and fire rescue personnel were involved in a frantic search for Tequila over the weekend, after the former reality TV star posted a video on her website of her bloody arm — supposedly sliced at the wrist.

The full-scale search spanned several counties and lasted up to five hours.

The search was sparked after a series of calls to 911 from concerned readers of Tequila’s blog, RadarOnline.com has learned.

Police confirmed officers from the North Hollywood Police Station were assigned to a “welfare check” on Saturday.

However, an LAPD officer would not elaborate on the outcome of its investigation and whether Tequila faced further charges.

As RadarOnline.com reported, the incident turned out to be nothing more than a distressing hoax.

Her website had read,

“I don’t know what happened. People don’t believe I have multiple personalities but this morning the last thing I remember was falling asleep cuz I was so tired. I blacked out and now that I just woke up from excruciating pains all over my body, there was blood and dope everywhere! She is evil! She single handedly smashed and broke EVERYTHING in my bedroom! Both nightstands, the bed lights, all of the surround sound system, my tv boxes and there’s glass everywhere. There’s even chunks of meet coming out of my arm from the deep slits from her slicing up my arm from all the broken glass! My arm meet from inside is starting to bubble up and seep through the cuts. This is so f***ed up. Now that I’m awake, she just left but I have no recollection of what happened to me. I’m just crying right now hiding in my toilet…my entire room is in shambles. All the new furniture is broken and glass all over the bed. I don’t know what’s happening! Little Tila.”

Isn’t this crazy-pants enough to get her committed? She’s probably already brain-damaged from all the drugs she obviously does. If you cracked her head open, instead of a brain, there would probably be a little hamster running on a wheel. A coked out, slutty hamster wearing a g-string, that is.

At her album release party:

Tila Tequila revealed on her blog yesterday that she has joined the fourth installment of VH-1’s Celebrity Rehab to conquer her socially-crippling need for attention and money “prescription pill problem.” Radar Online says

Tila loved to snort the prescription sleep aid Ambien, sources close to her told us.

“She would base her entire day around it,” one insider [revealed]. “She would wake up, snort ambien, google herself, do more, Twitter all day and then sleep,” [adding] that when Tila would snort Ambien, “she would get manic.”

“I KNOW I am an EXTREMELY smart girl, and to run all these empires when I am not even 30 yet, is quite an accomplishment, however I finally admitted to myself that I cannot rely on taking prescription pills everyday for the rest of my life!” Tila wrote.

Am I missing something here? Ambien is a sleep aid, right? How does something that’s supposed to produce drowsiness make you manic? I call bullshit. Bull shit. You’ve just convinced yourself you’re fucked up because you want a free pass for acting a fool. You see the same thing at middle school parties when you break out the oregano and O’Douls and they all get progressively more “fucked up” as the night wears on. Not that I hang out at middle school parties a lot or anything. It’s just all part of my double-blind study on the Interpersonal Dynamics of the Placebo-Effect Produced by Non-Alcoholic Beer on 12-Year Olds. You can read all about it in the court transcripts after my hearing next week.

Five positions that indicate you might have a problem with beaver abuse:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Shrinking violet Tila Tequila celebrated Cinco de Mayo just like she does every other day of her miserable, fame-whoring life. Unfortunately for her, since this was in Nevada and bestiality is illegal, she wasn’t able to get it on with a donkey. That party was taking place in Tennessee.

Singing “I Love My DJ” at LAX nightclub in Las Vegas:

Tila Tequila is disgusting for many reasons.  She’s a plastic whorey troll who looks like an alien, she’s dumber than a box of hair, she sluts it up for anyone who will stand still for two consecutive seconds, she’s a compulsive liar, and she will do literally anything for attention.  None of this is new, but what’s new is that she’s currently spiraling into a complete psychotic break.

Tila’s always been pretty crazycakes, but she rocketed into batshit insane territory following the death of her “fiancée” Casey Johnson (whom she only dated for a month, by the way).  Tila’s publicist hit the limit of her patience and quit yesterday.  Since then Tila gave a weird, “tearful” video interview to Radar Online and has been using her Twitter as a live-feed documentary of her fall into genuine clinical psychosis.

First she decided she was an angel sent from God:

Listen u guys wanna know about Haiti? Let me tell you something right now. There will be more disasters to come. Even bigger! Warning signs.

I know how the world will end, and yes, it will end. Not in the way you all think it is, but it will end.

Everything you do now is totally irrelevant to what is to come. I am only here to warn you as God’s Messenger and Angel disguised as A Human

Then she said that God took Casey away because of some sort of fraternisation clause in the Angel etiquette handbook:

God took the Love of my Life away from me because I promised him that I was only here to do my job. But I fell in Love with Another Angel

So he took her away from me. That was my fault. I broke the rules of being an Angel on Earth as a messenger. We’re not allowed 2 fall in luv

With another Angel. Cuz it will distract me from doing my job of helping the world. The minute I fell in love with another Angel, I stopped.

God sent me here, but did not tell me how or what I needed to do, so just like all other Angels, I had to choose my path on how 2 blend in..

But now time has run out, I have no choice but to reveal myself and who I really am. There is no more time to waste. We must help each other

Then she tried to raise an “army”:

From me trying to stand up for Domestic Violence, Fight For Gay Rights & animal cruelty, Starting the #TilaArmy 4 those who are good pple..

I try as best I can 2 gather all the good people 2gether & help those that are in need. But as i said, I am only the messenger that u killed

Then she decided to “quit” Twitter:

These will be my last words and my last warning 2 everyone on Twitter. I pray for you & your loved ones. God Bless & take care. Off I go. xo

But that only lasted a few minutes, until she decided to become the Ambassador to Vietnam:

I wil be gone for a while as I have teamed up with some Ambassadors. My next step is to become Ambassador 4 my country in Vietnam….

Say goodbye to “TILA TEQUILA” as she is no longer needed & I have revealed my true identity. Real work needs to be done now. I must go.

Then she decided she was pregnant with GI Joe’s baby:

I have a baby growing inside of me now, & that is my new happiness in life. Happiness is something hard to find, but then again. not really.

That is the big news. Its no longer my brother’s baby as Surrogate mother. It is MY very own baby. Yes. MINE. Jayden came back to his Mommy!

Ps-I’m just happy cuz the baby’s father is a AMERICAN HERO! Served in the US ARMY 4 10 years & fought war in Afgan & got shot. He survived.

Now hes out of Army after 10 years and is now a fireman and EMT! My baby’s father is a HERO and saves lives & risked his own in call of duty

yes my babys father was in Afgan for 10 years & got shot many times. He survived. Casey wanted me to do invitro with him cuz hes a HERO! xox

Casey & I planned the pregnancy together, she wanted me to be the pregnant one, that’s why I did it & we picked a US VET HERO!!! SO blessed!

Then she thought she’d retire from the public eye:

New picture. Next Chapter. Time to move on & shut media out of my personal life. I will only let u in so far & now its back 2 business. xo

Which lasted about three hours, until she went back to planning her ambassadorship:

Great news! I am currently starting my process 2 become Ambassador of Vietnam! Fingers crossed! My other Ambassador friend I know R helping

As Ambassador 4 Vietnam I’ll do SO much 2 help my country! I will help them THRIVE & flourish! In honor of all my ancestors who died in war!

This was ALL within the last 24 hours, and she’s currently nattering about being in a “hardcore” CNN interview tonight.  This is seriously way too much crazy for me to take in.  Based on her Twitter feed, Tila Tequila never sleeps for more than a couple hours at a time, has no friends, never goes anywhere or does anything besides Tweet and pose for pictures, and is crazier than a shithouse rat.  I don’t know if she’s high as hell every minute of her life, if she’s genuinely insane, or if it’s all just the world’s most ceaselessly obnoxious cry for attention, but I am done.  DONE.

I’m never, ever talking about Tila Tequila again.  Maybe on the day she dies for realsies I’ll talk about it so we can all celebrate a little, but until then she is DEAD TO ME.  I don’t know how Abby and Sonya feel about it, and maybe they’ll still cover Tila Tequila’s crazy shenanigans, but after the last ten days I just cannot HANDLE her ass anymore.

Tila Tequila is distraught, y’all.  She’s in mourning. She’s so heartbroken over the death of Casey Johnson that she can’t even get out of bed in the morning.  Unless there are paparazzi around (because she called them) and then she gets all dolled up in some brand new shoes and booty shorts, spackles on enough makeup for eight municipal beauty pageants, sticks a flower in her hair and makes sure her cartoonishly enormous chesticles are busting the hell out of her top.  Then she climbs into a goddamn tree and smiles like she just won the lottery.  Because she’s SO SAD, you see.  And also because her idea of winning the lottery is whenever anyone pays attention to her for five consecutive seconds.