What the hell is this? My go-to piss-crazy famewhore Tila Tequila is wearing a maxi dress?? And it’s not even a maxi dress with strategically placed holes for her nipples to pop out or anything, it’s covering all her ladybits. This is really weird. It’s like the whole universe is turned upside down. I need a drink.

Is it an edible maxi dress?

Tila Tequila’s reign of batshit insanity continued this past weekend with her pretending that she got attacked by a multiple personality called ‘Jane’ and posted a fake video of it on her website. People for some reason got all freaked out and called the cops, only to learn that it was all a joke. Whee! Ha ha! Good times! Aren’t you laughing? Says RadarOnline,

Tila Tequila’s fake suicide stunt caused a spectacular waste of Los Angeles Police Department resources, is exclusively reporting.
Several police, paramedics and fire rescue personnel were involved in a frantic search for Tequila over the weekend, after the former reality TV star posted a video on her website of her bloody arm — supposedly sliced at the wrist.

The full-scale search spanned several counties and lasted up to five hours.

The search was sparked after a series of calls to 911 from concerned readers of Tequila’s blog, has learned.

Police confirmed officers from the North Hollywood Police Station were assigned to a “welfare check” on Saturday.

However, an LAPD officer would not elaborate on the outcome of its investigation and whether Tequila faced further charges.

As reported, the incident turned out to be nothing more than a distressing hoax.

Her website had read,

“I don’t know what happened. People don’t believe I have multiple personalities but this morning the last thing I remember was falling asleep cuz I was so tired. I blacked out and now that I just woke up from excruciating pains all over my body, there was blood and dope everywhere! She is evil! She single handedly smashed and broke EVERYTHING in my bedroom! Both nightstands, the bed lights, all of the surround sound system, my tv boxes and there’s glass everywhere. There’s even chunks of meet coming out of my arm from the deep slits from her slicing up my arm from all the broken glass! My arm meet from inside is starting to bubble up and seep through the cuts. This is so f***ed up. Now that I’m awake, she just left but I have no recollection of what happened to me. I’m just crying right now hiding in my toilet…my entire room is in shambles. All the new furniture is broken and glass all over the bed. I don’t know what’s happening! Little Tila.”

Isn’t this crazy-pants enough to get her committed? She’s probably already brain-damaged from all the drugs she obviously does. If you cracked her head open, instead of a brain, there would probably be a little hamster running on a wheel. A coked out, slutty hamster wearing a g-string, that is.

At her album release party:

Tila Tequila revealed on her blog yesterday that she has joined the fourth installment of VH-1’s Celebrity Rehab to conquer her socially-crippling need for attention and money “prescription pill problem.” Radar Online says

Tila loved to snort the prescription sleep aid Ambien, sources close to her told us.

“She would base her entire day around it,” one insider [revealed]. “She would wake up, snort ambien, google herself, do more, Twitter all day and then sleep,” [adding] that when Tila would snort Ambien, “she would get manic.”

“I KNOW I am an EXTREMELY smart girl, and to run all these empires when I am not even 30 yet, is quite an accomplishment, however I finally admitted to myself that I cannot rely on taking prescription pills everyday for the rest of my life!” Tila wrote.

Am I missing something here? Ambien is a sleep aid, right? How does something that’s supposed to produce drowsiness make you manic? I call bullshit. Bull shit. You’ve just convinced yourself you’re fucked up because you want a free pass for acting a fool. You see the same thing at middle school parties when you break out the oregano and O’Douls and they all get progressively more “fucked up” as the night wears on. Not that I hang out at middle school parties a lot or anything. It’s just all part of my double-blind study on the Interpersonal Dynamics of the Placebo-Effect Produced by Non-Alcoholic Beer on 12-Year Olds. You can read all about it in the court transcripts after my hearing next week.

Five positions that indicate you might have a problem with beaver abuse:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Shrinking violet Tila Tequila celebrated Cinco de Mayo just like she does every other day of her miserable, fame-whoring life. Unfortunately for her, since this was in Nevada and bestiality is illegal, she wasn’t able to get it on with a donkey. That party was taking place in Tennessee.

Singing “I Love My DJ” at LAX nightclub in Las Vegas:

Tila Tequila "mourning" the death of her "fiancee" Casey Johnson by posing for paparazzi

Tila Tequila is disgusting for many reasons.  She’s a plastic whorey troll who looks like an alien, she’s dumber than a box of hair, she sluts it up for anyone who will stand still for two consecutive seconds, she’s a compulsive liar, and she will do literally anything for attention.  None of this is new, but what’s new is that she’s currently spiraling into a complete psychotic break.

Tila’s always been pretty crazycakes, but she rocketed into batshit insane territory following the death of her “fiancée” Casey Johnson (whom she only dated for a month, by the way).  Tila’s publicist hit the limit of her patience and quit yesterday.  Since then Tila gave a weird, “tearful” video interview to Radar Online and has been using her Twitter as a live-feed documentary of her fall into genuine clinical psychosis.

First she decided she was an angel sent from God:

Listen u guys wanna know about Haiti? Let me tell you something right now. There will be more disasters to come. Even bigger! Warning signs.

I know how the world will end, and yes, it will end. Not in the way you all think it is, but it will end.

Everything you do now is totally irrelevant to what is to come. I am only here to warn you as God’s Messenger and Angel disguised as A Human

Then she said that God took Casey away because of some sort of fraternisation clause in the Angel etiquette handbook:

God took the Love of my Life away from me because I promised him that I was only here to do my job. But I fell in Love with Another Angel

So he took her away from me. That was my fault. I broke the rules of being an Angel on Earth as a messenger. We’re not allowed 2 fall in luv

With another Angel. Cuz it will distract me from doing my job of helping the world. The minute I fell in love with another Angel, I stopped.

God sent me here, but did not tell me how or what I needed to do, so just like all other Angels, I had to choose my path on how 2 blend in..

But now time has run out, I have no choice but to reveal myself and who I really am. There is no more time to waste. We must help each other

Then she tried to raise an “army”:

From me trying to stand up for Domestic Violence, Fight For Gay Rights & animal cruelty, Starting the #TilaArmy 4 those who are good pple..

I try as best I can 2 gather all the good people 2gether & help those that are in need. But as i said, I am only the messenger that u killed

Then she decided to “quit” Twitter:

These will be my last words and my last warning 2 everyone on Twitter. I pray for you & your loved ones. God Bless & take care. Off I go. xo

But that only lasted a few minutes, until she decided to become the Ambassador to Vietnam:

I wil be gone for a while as I have teamed up with some Ambassadors. My next step is to become Ambassador 4 my country in Vietnam….

Say goodbye to “TILA TEQUILA” as she is no longer needed & I have revealed my true identity. Real work needs to be done now. I must go.

Then she decided she was pregnant with GI Joe’s baby:

I have a baby growing inside of me now, & that is my new happiness in life. Happiness is something hard to find, but then again. not really.

That is the big news. Its no longer my brother’s baby as Surrogate mother. It is MY very own baby. Yes. MINE. Jayden came back to his Mommy!

Ps-I’m just happy cuz the baby’s father is a AMERICAN HERO! Served in the US ARMY 4 10 years & fought war in Afgan & got shot. He survived.

Now hes out of Army after 10 years and is now a fireman and EMT! My baby’s father is a HERO and saves lives & risked his own in call of duty

yes my babys father was in Afgan for 10 years & got shot many times. He survived. Casey wanted me to do invitro with him cuz hes a HERO! xox

Casey & I planned the pregnancy together, she wanted me to be the pregnant one, that’s why I did it & we picked a US VET HERO!!! SO blessed!

Then she thought she’d retire from the public eye:

New picture. Next Chapter. Time to move on & shut media out of my personal life. I will only let u in so far & now its back 2 business. xo

Which lasted about three hours, until she went back to planning her ambassadorship:

Great news! I am currently starting my process 2 become Ambassador of Vietnam! Fingers crossed! My other Ambassador friend I know R helping

As Ambassador 4 Vietnam I’ll do SO much 2 help my country! I will help them THRIVE & flourish! In honor of all my ancestors who died in war!

This was ALL within the last 24 hours, and she’s currently nattering about being in a “hardcore” CNN interview tonight.  This is seriously way too much crazy for me to take in.  Based on her Twitter feed, Tila Tequila never sleeps for more than a couple hours at a time, has no friends, never goes anywhere or does anything besides Tweet and pose for pictures, and is crazier than a shithouse rat.  I don’t know if she’s high as hell every minute of her life, if she’s genuinely insane, or if it’s all just the world’s most ceaselessly obnoxious cry for attention, but I am done.  DONE.

I’m never, ever talking about Tila Tequila again.  Maybe on the day she dies for realsies I’ll talk about it so we can all celebrate a little, but until then she is DEAD TO ME.  I don’t know how Abby and Sonya feel about it, and maybe they’ll still cover Tila Tequila’s crazy shenanigans, but after the last ten days I just cannot HANDLE her ass anymore.

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