It’s nice to know that the Christmas spirit is still alive and well these days. That means different things to different people. It might mean anonymously paying off someone’s Christmas layaway. If you’re “English glamour model” Rhian Sugden, that means letting lesbian hobbit look-alike artist Fanny Gogh paint holly berries on your nipples and let some random firemen in on the action. Personally, I think her idea is better. Give a child a toy, and he’ll remember it for a couple of weeks. Take him to go paint some bimbo’s tits, and he’ll remember it for a lifetime. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

I don’t know if these leaked topless photos of a pregnant Jessica Alba are real or not, but it’s not really my job to know, now is it? My job here is to bring them to you and gently lay them at your feet, like a faithful dog bringing you a dead bird. And by God, I’m not going to let you down. Not on my watch.

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Asking you to choose between Coco and JWoww is like asking you to choose between hemorrhoids or anal warts. Neither one of them is that great, but at least JWoww’s tits aren’t rectangular. Coco’s look is not so much “cleavage” as it is “capsular contracture.” Gross.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

“What? What was that? I’m sorry, you’ll have to speak up — I can’t hear you over my big fake tits!”

This has been your Moment in Time with Playboy model Jenna Bentley (15 more pics after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Britney Spears’ nipples will no longer be able to stare at the floor without the constraints of underwire and elastic straps. The Sun reports

Britney’s father Jamie is embarrassed by constant pictures of her nipples popping out of her clothes and has insisted she only leaves her Los Angeles home wearing the correct support.

Jamie is taking the order so seriously he has even threatened to sack one of the 28-year-old’s security guards who has let her be photographed bra-less several times in recent weeks.

A pal revealed: “Jamie hates the pictures of her with her nipples all over the place so he has banned her from leaving the house without a bra. He wants her to put across the right impression.”

Oh, come, come, now. Let’s not pretend this is an issue of “making the right impression.” Her last two top forty hits were about threesomes and all of the boys and girls wanting to If-You-Seek-Amy her. The real reason he’s putting the kibosh on her pepperonis is because they’re goddamn revolting. The only place you should ever see those kind of tits are in the pages of National Geographic or resting on the knees of someone in a free clinic folding chair.

Here’s your why:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Ken Paves demonstrates the best way to help “escort” a lady to the door in a crowded venue: breast-first. Gets ‘em every time. Whereas if you’re a girl, I recommend the “tugboat whistle” approach, where you “escort” your man through the room penis-first. Remember, two short blasts followed by a long one means “come on already,” while two long, one short indicates that you wish to pass an approaching maritime vessel on the starboard side. And that really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, now does it? Let’s just try to stay focused here, ladies

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

You know, so much time is spent focused on Kim Kardashian’s ass that we often totally forget about her rack. It’s a real shame, but it’s goddamn spectacular. I guess sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees. Probably because Kim’s enormous ass is usually blocking your view.

At Katsuya in Los Angeles last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Katy Perry is neither interesting nor talented, wears too much goddamn makeup, and everything she owns looks like it was made from polyester and lycra at 579. So why all the pictures, you ask? Well, two reasons: “because they’re there” and “because I hate you.” No, I’m just kidding. It’s her boobs. C’mon, where did you think I was going with this?

At the Samsung Party at Boulevard 3 Wednesday night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

It’s like my mom always said — subtlety is for pussies. That’s why you should always remove your g-string using only the heel of your lucite platforms and take lots of bird’s-eye pictures of your own tits and post them on the internet. Coco: because waving a red flag in front of your vagina is just a little too cerebral!

Naked and topless pictures of Vanessa Hudgens were once again mysteriously leaked on to the internet today. All things considered, another nude photo scandal is probably a hell of a lot better for her career than starring in “Bandslam.” Seriously, if diarrhea could be transposed into celluloid, they’d call it “Bandslam.” I think it’s safe to say that we’d all rather see barely legal boobies than that piece of shit.

Thumbs 1,2, and 5 NSFW:

Ten years ago, the words “Kate Moss and Karen Mulder topless” would have definitely been a big deal. Of course, so would “Chumbawamba” and “Y2K.” It’s amazing the difference a decade makes.

All thumbs NSFW:

Remember that scene in “The Shining” when Jack Nicholson’s wife looks through his manuscript and discovers it’s 200 pages of the same sentence written over and over again? Well, around these parts, it’s celebrity bikini pictures over and over again instead of “all work and no play make Jack a dull boy.” Welcome to my own Sisyphean hell. When you come in here and you hear me typing, or whether you DON’T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing, when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come in. Now, do you think you can handle that? Can you?! God, won’t somebody please kill me already.

Katy Perry at the Fontainebleau Hotel in Miami Saturday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin