After the success of hologram Tupac at Coachella last week, Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins and Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas of nineties hip hop girl group TLC fame announced that they would be reuniting along with hologram Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes for a nationwide tour in 2012. Today marks the tenth anniversary of Left Eye’s death from a fatal car accident in Honduras. TMZ says:

For the first time in nearly a decade, TLC will be reuniting for a massive 2012 reunion tour in the U.S later this year — and the late Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes will be making a special appearance.

5 major cities have already been booked — and even more are in the works.

The group plans to pull a Tupac — incorporating their deceased former member Left Eye in the shows, projecting her image on a big screen and working her vocals into the live performances.

Or they could just use Nicki Minaj. She’s been ripping off Left Eye for the last two years, so she’d probably be really good at it.

TLC just gone done axing Kate Gosselin’s crappy “Kate + 8″ show, and now they’re canceling “L.A. Stink Ink” because of its comparably low ratings. But the way Kat von D tells it, she wasn’t fired because her show sucks; she quit that bitch because reality TV is supposed to be pure, unadulterated truth. She told People Magazine:

“In an effort to capitalize on my recent breakup [with Jesse James], TLC has decided to focus on re-editing events that didn’t happen while filming. In my opinion, any attempt to compromise the honesty of that would be an insult to my fans and viewers.

As grateful as I am to have been a part of LA Ink, I’m ready to end this chapter and want to focus on other projects now.”

It’s TLC’s loss, really. There are tons of projects out there for a girl like Kat. “RuPaul’s Drag Race” and “Bangkok Ladyboy Cabaret” come to mind. So do “Celebrity Rehab” and “My Strange Addiction.”

Miranda Kerr in some new Victoria’s Secret pics, because she doesn’t have to tuck:

TLC announced yesterday that they were pulling the plug on “Kate Plus 8,” so Kate Gosselin immediately took to Twitter to blame TLC for the show’s abysmal ratings. Radar Online says:

“Come on TLC, don’t take away the best show on TV for SIX years!!! Kate, is there anything us fans can do we all love y’all!” one user tweeted, which Kate re-posted to her own account. She also played the blame game, retweeting one user’s sentiment that “ratings dwindled b/c TLC put you in a 10 o’clock time slot and didn’t air your shows consistently.”

When one fan asked her if she planned on going back into her original career of nursing, Kate replied, “I plan on staying on tv.”

Then Kate [added], “Aww that Mady… Wants to do MORE tv!!! Disney anyone? Lol”

A show based on an unlikeable, emasculating cunt with the warmth and charisma of a frog schlepping a bunch of ugly little kids around just doesn’t work without the submissive Asian to take the brunt of the bitchiness. You wouldn’t send the organ grinder out without his monkey, would you? TLC should have known better.

In New York:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

One of the stars of TLC’s shit hit show “Cake Boss” was arrested for sexually assaulting a minor earlier this month. I was going to say “the dirty wetback-looking one,” but with that ensemble, it’s not as helpful as you would think. So I just circled him instead. TMZ says:

Remy Gonzalez — who is married to “Cake Boss” Buddy Valastro’s sister — is charged with aggravated sexual assault, sexual assault, criminal sexual contact, and endangering the welfare of a child.

A rep for TLC says, “We support Buddy and the Valastro family during this very difficult and challenging time… and as this doesn’t involve us, we will not be commenting any further.”

Remy Gonzalez is currently being held in Morris County Jail in New Jersey on $300,000 bail.

And just what is “aggravated sexual assault?” I’m glad you asked. It is legally defined as:

1. Sexual assault that maims, wounds, or disfigures the victim or involves a victim who is physically or mentally incapacitated

2. Sexual assault wherein the perpetrator is related to the victim by blood OR has supervisory or disciplinary power over the victim, e.g. a foster parent, a guardian, or someone who stands in loco parentis within the household.

3. Sexual assault on someone who is under the age of thirteen

So given the aforementioned legal definition and the high dollar amount at which bail was set, it’s pretty obvious whatever Senor Gonzalez did was just god-awful. Who knows? He very well may have raped his wife’s retarded 11-year old stepniece while burning her with cigarettes. I can’t really say. All I can do here is aimlessly conjecture and wildly speculate. That’s why it says “Making Shit Up Since 2003″ right here on my business cards.

Cindy Crawford for TSUM’s Autumn/Winter ad campaign, because she is neither under the age of 13 nor maimed by penetration:

Jon Gosselin fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC this morning demanding that any and all television production of “Kate Plus Eight” be halted, telling Entertainment Tonight that he suddenly realized his family “was like a trainwreck,” so he decided to “put the brakes on the divorce and on the show,” because if he didn’t, “the family would be in a mortal accident.” Hang on while I go get a shovel. His attorney writes in the letter:

A new program known as ‘Kate Plus 8′ would certainly require the acquiescence and consent not only of Kate Gosselin but Jon Gosselin, who is the father of the eight Gosselin children, which consent Jon has not given and if necessary, Jon is prepared to seek Court intervention to make sure his children’s best interests are protected.

Jon Gosselin unequivocally believes that his children’s continued participation in [TLC's] television production is ‘detrimental’ to his children. Accordingly, Jon expects that your client will cease and desist from any and all further production which includes his eight children.

Effective immediately no production crews are to enter Jon Gosselin’s family home for any reason. In the event that anyone enters the marital property, Jon Gosselin will notify the local authority to effectuate Police action against any trespassers.”

Coincidentally, Jon’s newfound interest in his marriage and his children’s well-being comes just two days after it was announced that he was fired from the show. I believe that’s what you call “cutting off your nose to spite your face.” On the plus side, he won’t have to worry about smelling all the bullshit that comes pouring out of his mouth that way.

After months of dismal ratings and rumors of cancellation, TLC has confirmed that “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” will now officially become “Kate Plus 8.” I guess “Cunty McBeaverson Rules the Roost” really didn’t resonate with test audiences. TLC said in an official statement (via the New York Post):

“Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family. The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers. [As for Jon], he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.”

Wow, can you say “snoozefest 2009?” Because I can’t. On account of the my soft palate and hard palate not fusing together when I was born. It mostly just comes out as a lot of hissing and spit.

Scarlett Johansson’s Mango ads because they’re sexy and Kate’s not: