Mustachioed behemoth Rosie O’Donnell was on the Today Show this week as part of the Today’s Professionals segment, and comments that she made about Lindsay Lohan’s downward spiral and Lifetime’s mistake casting her as Elizabeth Taylor in their new movie “Liz & Dick” had people so fired up that the Today Show brought her back today to defend her stance — namely that Lindsay Lohan is a fucking trainwreck caught in the dregs of addiction who hasn’t had a decent movie out “Mean Girls” opened 96 months ago. USA Today says:

Rosie stuck to her opinion about Lohan, recalling her as a “beautiful, talented little kid,” when she was doing Parent Trap. And then, “We’ve all seen what’s happened in the last decade and it’s tragic.”

“Listen, I’m 50 years old, and watching Whitney Houston’s funeral I remember thinking why didn’t more people say what they knew. We all knew. When she would not show up to do this show, not show up to my show. We watched Being Bobby Brown. It was like watching Sid and Nancy. They were people in the throes of addiction. But all we cared about was the ratings, not that this talented individual, this human being, this mother, this daughter, was worth saving and pulling out of the money market industry and I know only someone can be in control of their own sobriety, but to look at Lindsay Lohan you cannot help but feel for her. I do not think she’s untalented. I think she’s quite talented.”

And what does Lindsay think about Rosie’s completely factual and accurate statements about the current state of her career? See if you can guess:

Lohan isn’t too worried about Rosie’s rant. “I know that I’m great,” she told Access Hollywood. “I know Liz Taylor really well and we shared some makeup artists … same hairstylist. We’ve worked with a lot of the same people.”

With such a profound personal connection — makeup AND hair stylists! — they’re practically the same person. Except, you know, Elizabeth Taylor has two Academy Awards and a Screen Actors Guild’s Life Achievement Award, and all Lindsay has to show for the last six years is 10 Razzies and the herpes simplex virus. The same, only different.

Sonya’s in till Tuesday while I do some court-ordered drying out of my liver, but in the meantime, enjoy 90′s Victoria’s Secret model Stephanie Seymour in a see-through dress at the Tribeca Film Festival, because I’m a giver:

“Mad Men” actor Jon Hamm called out Kim Kardashian and her reality-star ilk for being the vapid twats that they are in next month’s issue of Elle, telling the magazine:

‘Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly… [the success of reality TV stars] doesn’t make any sense to [me].”

So of course Kim was promptly Google alerted to the comment and tweeted in response:

“Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,’ is in my opinion careless. I respect Jon and I am a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that not everyone takes the same path in life. We’re all working hard and we all have to respect one another.”

Except no, we don’t. You don’t HAVE to respect anybody. Particularly anybody who got their start being fucked on camera. The Daily Mail says:

During an appearance on The Today Show this morning, 41-year-old Hamm firmly stood by his remarks.

When asked about the matter by host Matt Lauer, Hamm responded: ‘I don’t think [my comments] were careless. I think they were accurate.’

‘It’s a part of our culture that I certainly don’t identify with, and I don’t really understand the appeal of it other than in a sort of car crash sensibility… it’s not something that I partake in or enjoy, but it is what is and here we are.’

They only way Jon Hamm could have pwned Kim Kardashian any harder is if he’d brought in a slide show of screen caps from the sex tape and illuminated each of his points with stills of her with a big black cock in her mouth. That would have been fucking awesome.

At the Ft. Lauderdale airport last week:

The rest of Lindsay Lohan’s interview aired this morning on the Today Show, and it’s just her regurgitating the same shit she always says after she gets busted and forcibly sober — it’s not my fault, I invested too heavily in my relationships, I’ll be at the Oscars in five years, etc., etc. She claims she’s through with dating for a while and planning to focus on her career. The good thing is she never has to worry about being lonely. She still has all those chins to keep her company.

Leaving her hotel in New York yesterday:

Matt Lauer’s interview with Lindsay Lohan will air in its entirety tomorrow, but they released a teaser clip on this morning’s “Today Show” in which she professes to be clean and sober and on the fast track to success. MSNBC says:

Lohan said: “[The nightlife and parties are] not my thing anymore. I went out, actually, a few months ago with a friend. And I was so uncomfortable. Not because I felt tempted, just because it was just the same thing that it always was before. And it just wasn’t fun for me. I’ve become more of a homebody. And I like that.”

“Do you think people have gotten back, or can get back to the point where they trust you?” Lauer asked. “In other words, professional people? You know, if they say to you, ‘Come host ‘Saturday Night Live’,’ that’s a big commitment. And do you think the producers and directors of movies and television projects are going to get back to the part where they can go, ‘You know what? Yeah, we can count on Lindsay. We can bank on her?’”

“I think I still need to go through the process of proving myself, you know, with ‘SNL,’ being on time, being, you know, keeping my — can’t say the word — but stuff together,” [Lohan said]. “Being able to have this opportunity with ‘SNL’ and the film, I’m gonna do what I’m supposed to do and do it as best as I can.”

Yes, making it through a whole week of rehearsals and one 90-minute taping thought ought to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that she’s completely bankable again. I don’t know what what we were all thinking.

Her severely-photoshopped JAG jeans ads:

Steven Tyler called in to the Today Show this morning to address rumors that his fall in the shower yesterday was precipitated by a booze-and-pill bingefest. According to TMZ:

Tyler [said], “I get that people think that [I was using again] … It still bothers me a little, but it’s something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life.”

He added, “We flew last night from Paraguay after that incident and we’re in Argentina for two hours. And anyone who knows anyone who uses substances wouldn’t be up at this hour having a talk with Matt Lauer and the rest of America.”

Moments later, Matt asked, “But you’re clean and sober, that’s not the issue?”

Tyler replied, “No, it’s not the issue.”

Well, at the very least, I can finally stop wondering what Janice Dickinson would look like as zombie-fied Lloyd Christmas from “Dumb & Dumber.” I know that one’s probably been keeping you up nights, too.

After the vicious denial she gave the last time she was on The Today Show, a visibly subdued Dina Lohan finally admitted to Matt Lauer this morning that her daughter Lindsay was in fact an addict. MSNBC says:

The reason she’d been unwilling to admit [her daughter was an addict] before was because Lindsay had to admit it first. “I wasn’t in denial,” Dina said. “As a mother it wasn’t for me to come and tell the world about her problem… It was for her to come to her evolution. As a mother we protect.”

“She’s just a different person. She’s been in a couple facilities, but this one to me has really changed her.”

She’s obviously still in denial, only she’s switched gears from “she’s not an addict” to “now she’s a changed woman!” And not only that — she’s also in denial about that crappy weave making her look young and hip and sexy. The overprocessed hair extensions ship sailed about fifteen years ago, sister. And everyone on board drowned in a sea of that frosted pink lipstick you’re wearing. I think it’s finally time to let go.

And speaking of complete denial, Taylor Momsen at the EMAs:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

After months of speculation, 40-year old Mariah Carey finally confirmed that she’s pregnant with her first child with husband Nick Cannon. Radar Online says:

In a story airing on NBC’s The Today Show, Carey told Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush: “Yes, we are pregnant.”

The Hero singer said she’s expecting in the spring, but wouldn’t give any further details.

Carey also revealed that she had been pregnant before – a few years ago – but had suffered a miscarriage.

“It kind of shook us both and took us into a place that was really dark and difficult,” Carey told Bush about the miscarriage. “When that happened… I wasn’t able to even talk to anybody about it. That was not easy.”

Oh, great. She had a miscarriage? How am I supposed to make a fat joke now? It’d be like pantsing a blind kid. And it took me a good two days before I could even laugh about that. Way to ruin the joke for everybody, Mariah.

After two years of flat-out denying it, would-be president John Edwards (shown here flashing gang signs — west sie-yeed!) is finally coming forward today to admit that he is the father of two-year old Quinn Hunter, the end result of an adulterous affair he had with campaign staffer Rielle Hunter while his wife was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. Well, technically, he’s not coming forward — Edwards prepared a written statement, and then sent “a friend” into NBC to do the talking for him. But rest assured, it’s not because he’s a coward who doesn’t want to face the public; it’s just because there’s a pending federal investigation as to whether he used campaign money to try to cover up his affair that legally prevents him from speaking about it. An all-around stand-up guy right there. Radar Online says

Through his trusted advisor Harrison Hickman, Edwards released a statement to NBC’s Today Show on Thursday saying:

“I am Quinn’s father. I will do everything in my power to provide her with the love and support she deserves. It was wrong for me ever to deny that she was my daughter and hopefully one day when she understands, she will forgive me.

To all those who I disappointed and hurt, these words will never be enough but I am truly sorry.”

But why is he coming forward now, you ask? Because he finally realized the error of his ways? Because he finally decided to grow a backbone and be a fucking man about it? Ha ha, of course not! It’s because one of his staffers has come out with a book about how Edwards had him pretend HE was the father of the bastard child, and Edwards needed to beat him to the punch:

Edwards wanted to make his announcement before his former aide Andrew Young appears in an ABC interview and reveals how he pretended to be the baby’s father as a favor to Edwards.

Young has written a book about the situation and his interview with ABC is scheduled to air next Friday.

Edwards decided it would be less damaging for him to admit paternity via a statement before Young trumpeted the news during a network TV interview.

Yesterday afternoon, I was out riding my bike with my dog jogging on the leash beside me, because I am a good and responsible pet owner who regularly exercises my pet, and some dude in a pickup truck eases up behind me and lays on the horn to yell something obscene about my ass. The horn was so loud and so close to us that it caused my dog to break stride and dart, terrified, into a drainage ditch. Her sprinting away from the road so quickly ripped me off my bicycle and onto the asphalt, bloodying both my elbow and knee and dislocating my left pinky finger (which has made typing a real fucking treat, let me tell you). And what does this asshole do? Apologize? Get out of the truck to help me? No. He stomps on the gas and leaves me laying there, bleeding, with a no-longer-rideable bike and a fucked up arm, to walk my bike and my dog three-quarters of a fucking mile home so I can take myself to the doctor. The point of this story: I’m pretty sure the asshole in the truck was John Edwards. You gotta admit, all his standard calling cards are there.

Watch the “interview” for yourself:

Kate Gosselin has gone on the offensive after her soon-to-be ex-husband Jon secretly withdrew $230,000 from their joint bank account, violating their arbitrator’s rule and leaving Kate with only $1,000 to her name just one week after he shut down production of their only source of income, “Jon and Kate Plus Eight.” She told the Today Show this morning:

“When you’ve left your children and their mother without the funds to pay for the roof over their head, it’s not acceptable. I need that money to provide for them. We were in the position after our sextuplets were born that we could not pay our bills. We did the show to provide a better life for them. Never did I think I’d be back in the same position. I have a stack of bills in my purse I can’t put in the mail.”

Kate says Jon, 32, has emptied their joint account – the one she uses to pay the bills and she says “contains all of our liquid money” – of all but $1,000 of the $231,000 that was in there, beginning on Aug. 10 and ending on Sept. 29.”

Under the rules of an arbitrator, neither spouse could take money from the account, but Kate, as the primary bill payer, could use it to pay bills provided she gave proof of her expenses.

With $230,000, you could upholster your entire bachelor pad with Ed Hardy prints and fill your whole swimming pool with 750,000 gallons of Axe deodorant body spray. That’s more than enough fabric for a rudimentary noose and plenty of douchewater in which to drown yourself. It’d be a real shame if he let all that perfectly good money go to waste.

Wasting some of his ill-gotten gains at the Ivy this weekend:

PHOTO CREDIT: Pacific Coast News Online

Taylor Swift was on “The Today Show” this morning, I guess, performing in Rockefeller Centre.  This insanely shiny stuff is what she wore.  Jesus, even her guitar is sparkly.  I feel like if I look at these pictures too long, I might end up with epilepsy.  I am not generally a fan of sparkly shit, but I just don’t have it in me to hate Taylor Swift.  She confuses my eyeholes, but I like her anyway.  Her hair usually looks like either nylon Barbie hair or the kind of wig they put on actresses in Lifetime movies about cancer, but she’s so pretty.  Even though she actually just looks kinda like an adorable squinty-eyed rodent most of the time.  She’s somehow still pretty.  It’s an infinite mystery, like what hot dogs are made out of or why it always seems hotter outside when you’re wearing a skirt.  Taylor is also friends with that hellspawn Miley Cyrus and she once dallied with a Jonas and is therefore tainted beyond what an exorcism can oust, but whatever… I somehow like her anyway, okay?  DON’T JUDGE ME.

Taylor Swift singing something on “The Today Show” this morning:

^{PHOTO CREDIT: Nine MSN}

Lisa Rinna went on the Today Show yesterday to plug her new book “Rinnavation,” and naturally the talk turned to her comically oversized lips. She said:

“I went out and had silicone put in my top lip 23 years ago. Period, end of story. I had a small top lip, my girlfriend and I went and did it together [after seeing Barbara Hershey in "Beaches,"]… but what happens is, after years and years, you form some scar tissue.

But I like [them]! I’ve always been okay with [them]. I’ve always felt good about [them].”

She might have said she was going for the “Barbara Hershey” look, but it’s pretty obvious her doctor heard the (NSFW) “bulging hemorrhoid” look. It’s an easy mistake to make. That’s why you never want to talk to your plastic surgeon with a mouth full of saltwater taffy from a distance of 50 paces.

What the…?  Sweet jumpropin’ Jesus.  I don’t even… ugh.  I mean, GodDAMN.

Okay, look.  I like Jennifer Hudson.  She seems like a nice girl, and a whole lot of horrible shit happened to her family in the last year and so I kind of looked the other way when she wore that… whatever that bolero thing was that she wore to the Oscars.  But I’m kind of a bitch and my patience ain’t infinite, you know?  And I feel very strongly that she has had, if not enough time to heal, then at least enough time to hire a stylist with functioning eyeballs.  Someone with sense enough to slap her across the face with a foppish white glove and then set harem pants like these on fire before they start shrieking hysterically about how she’d have to climb over their cold, dead body to be allowed out the door looking like such a hot mess.

Performing on “The Today Show”: