After two years of flat-out denying it, would-be president John Edwards (shown here flashing gang signs — west sie-yeed!) is finally coming forward today to admit that he is the father of two-year old Quinn Hunter, the end result of an adulterous affair he had with campaign staffer Rielle Hunter while his wife was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. Well, technically, he’s not coming forward — Edwards prepared a written statement, and then sent “a friend” into NBC to do the talking for him. But rest assured, it’s not because he’s a coward who doesn’t want to face the public; it’s just because there’s a pending federal investigation as to whether he used campaign money to try to cover up his affair that legally prevents him from speaking about it. An all-around stand-up guy right there. Radar Online says

Through his trusted advisor Harrison Hickman, Edwards released a statement to NBC’s Today Show on Thursday saying:

“I am Quinn’s father. I will do everything in my power to provide her with the love and support she deserves. It was wrong for me ever to deny that she was my daughter and hopefully one day when she understands, she will forgive me.

To all those who I disappointed and hurt, these words will never be enough but I am truly sorry.”

But why is he coming forward now, you ask? Because he finally realized the error of his ways? Because he finally decided to grow a backbone and be a fucking man about it? Ha ha, of course not! It’s because one of his staffers has come out with a book about how Edwards had him pretend HE was the father of the bastard child, and Edwards needed to beat him to the punch:

Edwards wanted to make his announcement before his former aide Andrew Young appears in an ABC interview and reveals how he pretended to be the baby’s father as a favor to Edwards.

Young has written a book about the situation and his interview with ABC is scheduled to air next Friday.

Edwards decided it would be less damaging for him to admit paternity via a statement before Young trumpeted the news during a network TV interview.

Yesterday afternoon, I was out riding my bike with my dog jogging on the leash beside me, because I am a good and responsible pet owner who regularly exercises my pet, and some dude in a pickup truck eases up behind me and lays on the horn to yell something obscene about my ass. The horn was so loud and so close to us that it caused my dog to break stride and dart, terrified, into a drainage ditch. Her sprinting away from the road so quickly ripped me off my bicycle and onto the asphalt, bloodying both my elbow and knee and dislocating my left pinky finger (which has made typing a real fucking treat, let me tell you). And what does this asshole do? Apologize? Get out of the truck to help me? No. He stomps on the gas and leaves me laying there, bleeding, with a no-longer-rideable bike and a fucked up arm, to walk my bike and my dog three-quarters of a fucking mile home so I can take myself to the doctor. The point of this story: I’m pretty sure the asshole in the truck was John Edwards. You gotta admit, all his standard calling cards are there.

Watch the “interview” for yourself:

Kate Gosselin has gone on the offensive after her soon-to-be ex-husband Jon secretly withdrew $230,000 from their joint bank account, violating their arbitrator’s rule and leaving Kate with only $1,000 to her name just one week after he shut down production of their only source of income, “Jon and Kate Plus Eight.” She told the Today Show this morning:

“When you’ve left your children and their mother without the funds to pay for the roof over their head, it’s not acceptable. I need that money to provide for them. We were in the position after our sextuplets were born that we could not pay our bills. We did the show to provide a better life for them. Never did I think I’d be back in the same position. I have a stack of bills in my purse I can’t put in the mail.”

Kate says Jon, 32, has emptied their joint account – the one she uses to pay the bills and she says “contains all of our liquid money” – of all but $1,000 of the $231,000 that was in there, beginning on Aug. 10 and ending on Sept. 29.”

Under the rules of an arbitrator, neither spouse could take money from the account, but Kate, as the primary bill payer, could use it to pay bills provided she gave proof of her expenses.

With $230,000, you could upholster your entire bachelor pad with Ed Hardy prints and fill your whole swimming pool with 750,000 gallons of Axe deodorant body spray. That’s more than enough fabric for a rudimentary noose and plenty of douchewater in which to drown yourself. It’d be a real shame if he let all that perfectly good money go to waste.

Wasting some of his ill-gotten gains at the Ivy this weekend:

PHOTO CREDIT: Pacific Coast News Online

Taylor Swift was on “The Today Show” this morning, I guess, performing in Rockefeller Centre.  This insanely shiny stuff is what she wore.  Jesus, even her guitar is sparkly.  I feel like if I look at these pictures too long, I might end up with epilepsy.  I am not generally a fan of sparkly shit, but I just don’t have it in me to hate Taylor Swift.  She confuses my eyeholes, but I like her anyway.  Her hair usually looks like either nylon Barbie hair or the kind of wig they put on actresses in Lifetime movies about cancer, but she’s so pretty.  Even though she actually just looks kinda like an adorable squinty-eyed rodent most of the time.  She’s somehow still pretty.  It’s an infinite mystery, like what hot dogs are made out of or why it always seems hotter outside when you’re wearing a skirt.  Taylor is also friends with that hellspawn Miley Cyrus and she once dallied with a Jonas and is therefore tainted beyond what an exorcism can oust, but whatever… I somehow like her anyway, okay?  DON’T JUDGE ME.

Taylor Swift singing something on “The Today Show” this morning:

^{PHOTO CREDIT: Nine MSN}

Lisa Rinna went on the Today Show yesterday to plug her new book “Rinnavation,” and naturally the talk turned to her comically oversized lips. She said:

“I went out and had silicone put in my top lip 23 years ago. Period, end of story. I had a small top lip, my girlfriend and I went and did it together [after seeing Barbara Hershey in "Beaches,"]… but what happens is, after years and years, you form some scar tissue.

But I like [them]! I’ve always been okay with [them]. I’ve always felt good about [them].”

She might have said she was going for the “Barbara Hershey” look, but it’s pretty obvious her doctor heard the (NSFW) “bulging hemorrhoid” look. It’s an easy mistake to make. That’s why you never want to talk to your plastic surgeon with a mouth full of saltwater taffy from a distance of 50 paces.

What the…?  Sweet jumpropin’ Jesus.  I don’t even… ugh.  I mean, GodDAMN.

Okay, look.  I like Jennifer Hudson.  She seems like a nice girl, and a whole lot of horrible shit happened to her family in the last year and so I kind of looked the other way when she wore that… whatever that bolero thing was that she wore to the Oscars.  But I’m kind of a bitch and my patience ain’t infinite, you know?  And I feel very strongly that she has had, if not enough time to heal, then at least enough time to hire a stylist with functioning eyeballs.  Someone with sense enough to slap her across the face with a foppish white glove and then set harem pants like these on fire before they start shrieking hysterically about how she’d have to climb over their cold, dead body to be allowed out the door looking like such a hot mess.

Performing on “The Today Show”:

Howard Stern aired what was supposedly “raw board feed” of Beyonce screeching and mewing through a Today show performance last year on his Sirius radio show yesterday. Unfortunately, the whole thing was revealed to be a hoax today (the guy who made it offers his explanation after the jump), but of course, Beyonce’s insufferable asswipe of a father still had to get in his two cents. Matthew Knowles told Access Hollywood

“If no one took the time to look at the biggest Inauguration in the history of America then shame on them. If no one took the time to listen to Beyonce sing ‘America the Beautiful’ and ‘At Last’ at the Neighborhood Ball for the first dance of President Obama and the First Lady, and they question Beyonce’s vocal ability, they’ve gotta be an idiot.

At 12 years into her career, the last thing someone should be questioning is her vocal ability. That would be like questioning if Kobe Bryant could shoot a jump shot.”

Somewhere out there, Milli Vanilli, Ashlee Simpson and Hilary Duff are nodding their heads in staunch agreement. God knows the music industry never offers you anything but unfettered truth and raw talent.

(more…)

Industry insiders have long known that the only way way to make Zac Efron tolerable is to juxtapose him against a force even more grating and douche-tastic than the entire High School Musical franchise.

Until yesterday, it was believed that such a force did not exist.

And then Kathie Lee burst onto the scene like a warm splash of Summer’s Eve on a dark and yeasty night, curlers in her hair and a photo of Cody clutched in her hand. Miracles do happen, my friends. Miracles do happen.

Gaying it up in GQ:

Bleating jackass Ann Coulter’s scheduled appearance on the The Today Show yesterday was preempted at the last minute, thanks to overbooking and Matt Lauer’s interview with former Prime Minister Tony Blair. Ann Coulter, however, firmly believes it was all the machinations of liberal mainstream media to keep her silenced, citing the Drudge Report’s claims that she was cut because “NBC wanted her banned for life” because they are “just not interested in anyone so highly critical of President-elect Obama right now.” Of course, The Today Show vehemently refutes these claims, inviting her back this morning (clip above). The L.A. Times says

On Monday, Coulter screamed bloody murder when her “Today” slot was canceled, telling Fox News’ Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes that NBC had booked her only as a “charade” to keep her from going on other shows.

NBC disputes the charge. After Coulter’s complaints, she was invited to appear on two segments of “Today” on Wednesday.

Watching this woman “interview” is simply unbearable. I’ve seen goats stuck in a chainlink fences that do less bleating and baaaa-ing and ramming their heads into the same seven impenetrable inches. It just makes you want to grab a gun and put the poor thing out of its misery already.

Awkwardness was the name of the game on “The Today Show” this morning, when cohost Meredith Viera introduced a segment about marriage by asking cohost Matt Lauer how old he was when he tied the knot. Her inquiry was initially met with silence, only broken when someone off-stage yelled a sarcastic “Nice!” So why all the awkwardness? Apparently, Matt has a less-than-stellar nuptial history — his first marriage ended in divorce and wife number two also filed for divorce in September (but later withdrew the suit). Here’s how it all went down:

MATT LAUER: Then we’re going to talk about marriage. What is the right age to get married?

MEREDITH VIEIRA: I don’t know. I got married in my 30s. When did you get married?

MATT LAUER: Ah . . .

Someone off camera yells “nice!”

MEREDITH VIEIRA: Anyway, I’m sorry. Oh geez.

MATT LAUER: The average age — let’s just start this show over. On average in this country women get married at 26, men at 28. Those are the averages. But how does your age impact your choice of a mate, and your chances for living happily ever after? Probably a more important question. We’ll get into that later.

MEREDITH VIEIRA: I don’t think I’m going to be one of those that lives happily ever after, after this show!

And feel free to be disappointed like I was. When I hear the words “embarrassing” and “uncomfortable silence,” there better damn well be a pants-ing or an audible fart somewhere in the mix. God willing, an Al Roker naked with two Taiwanese she-males rubbing butter pecan icecream on his nipples. None of this “referencing marital discourse” type gaffe. There’s a name for boring shame, and it’s called Kathy Lee Gifford. No thanks.