Gisele Bundchen was photographed sucking face with a man who was definitely not her husband Tom Brady at a masked ball in Paris yesterday. I’d say this would be a good time to let those skills on the field translate into the real world, but to be honest, I don’t see how crying and looking for a flag is really gonna help here.

At the masked ball celebrating the 90th anniversary of Vogue magazine in Paris:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was on his way to practice at Gillette Stadium in Boston this morning when he was involved in a serious car accident. Radar Online says:

Eyewitnesses told Boston TV station WHDH that the football star had a green light and the mini-van allegedly ran a red light, leading to the collision.

Officials said that the equipment known as the “jaws of life” was used at the scene on one of the vehicles involved.

Brady — who was described as being shaken, banged-up, and possibly having whiplash — refused to be taken to the hospital, but the driver of the other vehicle, reportedly a mini-van, was taken to the hospital.

Thank goodness he’s okay. I wouldn’t want anything to get in the way of his riding the coattails of his receivers or looking for a flag every time he gets hit. Stomping off the field crying isn’t something they can just teach you in practice, you know.

With wife Gisele and their new baby:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

Former Victoria’s Secret supermodel Gisele Bundchen talks about her recent pregnancy and the experience of giving birth to baby Benjamin Rein Brady in next month’s issue of Vogue magazine. Us Weekly says

Benjamin — her son with husband Tom Brady — was born at their Boston penthouse last December, in warm water in a deep bathtub that overlooks the Charles River.

“I wanted to experience the transformation,” Bundchen, 29, explains. Through the birth, she says she meditated.

“It was the most amazing experience of my life, feeling him come through my body,” she says. “I never felt so empowered!”

During her pregnancy, she says she “gained only 30 pounds” and… exercised regularly right up until she gave birth.

Bundchen also says she was “mindful” about what she ate.

Says the model: “I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals.”

Well, that’s just beautiful, isn’t it? Perfect pregnancy, perfect delivery, perfect post-baby bod. It must be nice being a supermodel. In real life, when you have babies, you gain 85 pounds, crap yourself on the delivery table, and get enough stretch marks around your midsection to double as a relief map of the Mississippi River Delta Basin. But nobody at Vogue ever wants to write an article about that.

People are always asking me, “Hey, Abby — why has it been all ‘nipple’ this and ‘booby’ that around here lately?” And the answer is simple. It’s because according to Google statistics, that’s what 92% of people on the internet are trying to see. Pander to the masses, I always say! I also say, “I reject your reality and substitute my own” and “No griefing the Game Master!” Yeah, people don’t really like me all that much.

A Tom Brady bone for my ladies:

It’s official — Gisele Bundchen is now Mrs. Tom Brady! According to Us Weekly

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady wed [yesterday] at the St. Monica Catholic Church.

The bride, 28, donned a form-fitting ivory lace strapless gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband, all by Dolce & Gabbana. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce & Gabbana floral lace collars.

The ceremony — which began at dusk — was “very small and intimate” — guests mostly consisted of immediate family.

Does anybody else see what’s going on here? Eugenics, baby! Eugenics! Let’s consider the facts: Tom Brady looks like he was sculpted by Michelangelo himself, and Gisele might as well have been birthed from the sea on scallop shell surrounded by Zephyrs. Now look to your left and right. Is there anyone in your office/school/mother’s basement that is even remotely as attractive as these two? You know goddamn well there isn’t. The world is rife with uggos and fatties and wheezing invalids that should have been weeded out of the gene pool years ago but managed to be kept alive by the miracle of modern medicine. And so now, it begins. The master race. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World. Now we just wait for the Bokanovsky to process replace the immigrant work force and drink our Soma like the good little World State citizens we are.

In a bikini and on a photoshoot at Santa Monica beach: