Tom Cruise’s upgrade from Model 487A “Soccer Mom Short” to model 860X “Joey Potter Revisited” at the Japanese premiere of “Valkyrie” didn’t come cheap. Apparently, it takes sixty thousand dollars to get a robot wife as realistic-looking as Katie Holmes. The Daily Mail says

It took six hours to have long hair extensions put in, which came with a [$4,000] price tag. She also apparently spent [$14,000] in spa treatments, [$40,000] in dental veneers and further [$2,000] for premium make-up.

And one observer [said], ‘She didn’t have a wrinkle on her face, her hair was perfect, and she had the body of a supermodel.

You know, if Tom could have scrounged up just $18,000 more, he could have gotten the model he really wanted. The X2000 with the penis and scrotum attachment and the vibrating kung fu grip. I guess even Hollywood isn’t immune to this economy.

Leaving Cristoni Restaurant in Beverly Hills with her old hair and lots o’ leg:

Tom Cruise and counterpart Katie Holmes treated Suri (oh yeah and Connor too–but who cares about him, right?) to a magical Valentine’s Day at Walt Disney World. It’s always great fun to escape one fanciful reality for another one, I always say. Disneyland will do for the Cruises until Xenuland is done. There’ll be all sorts of out-of-this-world attractions, like the Body Thetan Blaster, where you can blast those pesky clustering alien spirits, the Audacious Auditor, where your head is harnessed up to a helmet and then blasted with 50,000 volts (it’s a LOT more fun than it sounds) and simultaneously poked with a cattle prod up your rectum, and don’t let’s forget about the hourly showings of the Space Opera, where you can see for yourself just how thetans got trapped in a meat body! Regular amusement park fare will be served, along with more exotic delicacies, like deep-fried placenta on a stick! Mmm, I can smell it now!

Tom Cruise and wife Model #4773A Katie Holmes are in Brazil this week for the premiere of Tom’s movie Valkyrie, and I’m sure you noticed that there’s something different about them. Namely, that Tom looks like he was irradiated by the detonation of a gamma bomb and Katie looks like she should be hunched over a bowl of gruel with flies in the corners of her eyes. Must be something in the water.

At the premiere of Valkyrie:

Hello, my little elves!  It’s Sarah today.  How were your holidays?  Mine were excellent; I only got arrested twice (just once if you only count felonies).

So anyway, you know how Tom Cruise has been on a crazycakes bender since… uhh, ever?  And remember how he’s systematically drained wife Katie Holmes of any semblance of personality or youthful vigor, and in three short years has turned her from a cutie-pie to a cold-sore-riddled, worn-out scarecrow?  And of course, there’s the fact that Suri’s a socially maladjusted weirdo in the making because she has no friends?

Well, it seems none of that constitutes failure on a level spectacular enough for Tom Cruise.  He told the Sun UK that he wants ten children:

When it comes to large celebrity families, the Brangelina clan’s score of six kids is tough to beat.

Cruise, though, reveals that he would like to have TEN.

In an exclusive interview with The Sun, the Hollywood superstar talks about how he loves being a father and why the 16-year age gap with his third wife Katie Holmes is not a problem.

Tom grins: “I want ten children. I love kids. I feel really fortunate to have the teenagers and a two and a half-year-old. It’s a great dynamic.”

Trim and remarkably young looking for a man in his mid-forties, Tom reckons he is more than able to keep up with his young wife. Commenting on the age gap, he says: “If I’m worried about anything, it’s if she can keep up with me. I’m very active.”

Jesus Christ, he’s gonna wring poor Katie dry with this mission to turn her into an incubator for Xenu.  She’s already kinda broken with just the one kid right now.  Look, here she is dressed in ill-fitting shorts and stirrup tights in NYC in the middle of winter:

It’s no secret that Tom Cruise’s new movie Valkyrie sucks donkey, but Tom is doing everything he can to convince you to see it anyway — including bribing the critics. MSNBC says

According to a source with radio station K-Earth 101, the Cruise camp was willing to… offer a screening for anyone at the station and their friends at the Cruise home, if only they’d “say ‘nice things’ about the movie. “They offered to hold it in Tom’s home — they didn’t say if he’d be there or not,” the source says. “We just had to agree to say ‘nice things’ about the movie.”

Usually when you’re invited over to someone’s house and told to play nice, it’s because the kid you’re supposed to be playing with has a lazy eye and still wets the bed and you’re only going over there because your mom couldn’t find a sitter in time. All Tom Cruise needs now is an assortment of skin tags and some corrective shoes and he’s Tony Sprott from my third grade class.

The anti-Scientology group Anonymous planned to protest at the premiere of Tom Cruise’s new movie “Valkyrie,” staging a German camera crew and dozens of picket signs well within range of the paparazzi lenses. There was only one problem — the “Valkyrie” premiere was like ten blocks away somewhere else. D’oh! MSNBC says

Just hours before the premiere, group organizers realized that the event’s location was at Jazz at Lincoln Center, which is actually located at the Time Warner Center and not in Lincoln Center itself as they’d thought.

The difference of a few blocks meant a difference in police precinct jurisdictions, which in turn meant that they had to scramble to get a permit from the police to allow their protest (in the end, they did get their permit).

I don’t like to point fingers, but getting all the major details incorrect and then showing up at the wrong place with your dick in your hand just reeks of George W. Bush. I wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised if a hurricane rolled through at the end and killed all the black people and unemployment rose to an unprecedented 6.3%.

Valkyrie Premiere, Hollywood point of view:

Valkyrie Premiere, real world point of view:

Tom Cruise is denying claims that he strong-armed Amazon into pulling an anti-Scientology book from its virtual store shelves last month. The book in question is John Duignan’s “The Complex,” in which the former high-ranking member details his escape from Scientology’s elite “Sea Organization” (sounds gay). According to the NY Daily News

On Oct. 31, Irish publisher Merlin released “The Complex.” Five days later, Cruise dropped by Amazon’s headquarters to glad-hand staffers and host a sneak peek at his new movie, “Valkyrie.”

A few days later, Amazon’s British Web site stopped selling “The Complex.”

“I believe Tom Cruise influenced them,” Duignan [says]. Cruise’s rep denies that charge.

Awfully big coincidence, don’t you think? He just “shows up” at headquarters and the book mysteriously disappears from inventory? It’s a lot like that whole sex scene gone missing from Katie Holmes’ “Thank You for Smoking.” You can’t just go throwing your Hollywood weight around every time a person threatens to expose you as a lunatic fraud or your spouse as a cock-hungry tit-flasher. If you really want your “problem” to go away, you bury it in lime and break out all the teeth so the cops can’t use dental records to ID it. Duh!

Celebrating Thanksgiving in central park with the Beckhams:

Victoria’s Secret supermodel Heidi Klum spoofs Tom Cruise’s infamous Risky Business underwear scene in a new Guitar Hero 4 commercial directed by Brett Ratner, proving that not everything Ratner touches necessarily turns to shit. Just about 98% of it. Not that Ratner deserves any of the credit for the success of the commercial — you could give a mongoloid monkey a camera and a director’s chair and it’d be just as good. It’s scientifically impossible to fuck up “Heidi Klum in her underpants.” It’s like trying to fuck up the Sistine Chapel with more Michelangelo or Spring Break with more beer. In science terms, it just ain’t happening.

Dawson’s Creek vet and ex-boyfriend Joshua Jackson surprised his former co-star/girlfriend Katie Holmes with a bouquet of flowers while she rehearsed All My Sons on Broadway yesterday. Glibby glib glib glib! I smell a Today Show-style meltdown! The Daily Mail says

‘Katie has been looking skinny and depressed and rather than do nothing Joshua wanted to check everything was OK,’ a source [said]. ‘They haven’t spoken in a while and he was worried. So he just decided to drop by. It was really sweet, he just turned up unexpectedly with a bunch of flowers and said: ‘Hello stranger.’ Katie was shocked, but so happy to see him. It was a wonderful surprise. She gave him such a big hug.’

Jackson wanted to reassure the 29-year-old that she still had friends of her own age and outside of Scientology. ‘Joshua made it clear she wasn’t alone. He’s not out to cause trouble. Her life is truly bizarre now. Josh would love to see Katie as the carefree and relaxed woman he once knew.’

What do you want to bet that Joshua’s little “concerned gesture” just bought Katie another 12 hours in the chamber? Clockwork Orange headdress, L. Ron Hubbard on continuous loop, ice-water head-dunking, the works. At the very least he’s rewiring some of the circuits and switching her to solar cell. Think of the money he’ll save in the long run!

Out and about in New York Sept 4th:

Twenty-two disability groups are protesting Ben Stiller’s new movie “Tropic Thunder,” with the spokesman for the Special Olympics going as far as to call for a boycott of the film. Seriously, retards have no sense of humor. That’s why no one ever invites them to parties. Co-writer Ethan Cohen explained to Us Weekly

“Some people have taken this as making fun of handicapped people, but we’re really trying to make fun of the actors who use this material as fodder for acclaim. The last thing you want is for people to think you’re making fun of the victims in this who are having their lives turned into fodder for people to win Oscar.”

And a spokesman for DreamWorks said:

“No changes or cuts to the film will be made. Tropic Thunder is an R-rated comedy that satirizes Hollywood and its excesses, and makes its point by featuring inappropriate and over-the top characters in ridiculous situations. The film is in no way meant to disparage or harm the image of individuals with disabilities.”

Then he added, “Look, if it makes you people happy, Tom Cruise came to the premiere dressed like a retard, okay? Take a look at his goddamn sneakers. That’s short bus if I ever saw it. Stuff that in your wheel locks and drool on it.”

Early forties Katie sans the ‘tard — who has a small cameo in the film — on the red carpet last night:

The mystery behind Katie Holmes’ ridiculously baggy tight-rolled jeans has finally been revealed. According to Us Weekly

Katie Holmes hasn’t just been wearing men’s jeans on recent NYC outings – the couple’s stylist confirms that [she is wearing husband Tom] Cruise’s Prps Jeans!

“Prps has adapted the style for women in the new fall collection as the Boyfriend jean,” [says] Kim Dillard, a rep for Prps Jeans. “It’s the new look Katie is going for.”

A reason Holmes has been rolling them up? She’s 5′9″ and Cruise is 5′7″.

You really can’t blame poor Kate. By now she’s been brainwashed to do whatever Tommy Boy tells her to do. Letting herself be impregnated by that really uncomfortable chicken baster, getting her hair cut into a quasi-androgynous bob, wearing the strap-on. So what’s wearing Tom’s pegged jeans? Any day now we can expect Tom to announce the startling news that Katie was born a hermaphrodite. Praise Xenu!

All is not well in Tom Cruise-ville.

First, former member Peter Letterese filed suit against the Church of Scientology in Florida earlier this month, calling the church a “crime syndicate” and fingering Tom Cruise for his “foreign and domestic lobbying” on behalf of the religion. According to Rush and Molloy

He singles out Cruise, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is “aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”

Letterese calls the church a “crime syndicate” and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

On top of all that, wife Katie Holmes has finally put her foot down and demanded that he kick his mother, his sister, and his sister’s two sons out of their home. In Touch Weekly says

When Katie and Tom recently moved into a $35 million home in Beverly Hills, Katie put her foot down and insisted that everyone — other than Suri and Tom’s two children with Nicole Kidman, Isabella, 15, and Connor, 13 — find another place to live. “It’s about time for Tom and Katie to live alone,” another pal adds. “They never have before.”

With Momsy finally out of the house, Tom won’t have any excuses for not doing the whole penis-in-vagina thing. Before, he could blame his avoidance on the threat of Grandma Cruise popping in to have her eye ointment applied or her bottom wiped. Now it’s just him, Katie, and a wiener with nowhere to go.

Katie Tom Katie out and about July 24th: