Although it was rumored that Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson because he found texts from ex-boyfriend John Mayer on her phone, it looks like country music star Kenny Chesney may have actually driven them a part. According to Star Magazine

Jessica was openly flirting with Kenny earlier this month during a summer getaway — and [that] shameless flirtfest that proved to be the last straw for Tony Romo.

“She was giving him all her attention, and they seemed very intimate,” an eyewitness [says of] Jessica and Kenny’s cabana chat. “They were sitting so close, their heads were together.”

Tony “looked real jealous that she was talking to Kenny,” says a source. He angrily confronted his girlfriend… [and then] stormed off the beach.

For the last ten years, Kenny Chesney has been under the misguided impression you won’t figure out he’s bald as a fucking badger as long as he doesn’t take his hat off. He just found the only person dumb enough to actually believe it.

Jessica looking like a crazy homeless woman last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News

Meet 43-year old “actress” Michelle Johnson, the mystery woman seen sucking face with 29-year-old football player Tony Romo the day after he dumped Jessica Simpson. Of course, that’s her 25 years ago. I imagine the tits look a little different now. Splash News Online says

Tony and Michelle hooked up after the sports star turned up to a party she threw in L.A’s Sunset Marquis hotel. A source said: “From the moment he got there he was all over her. They were kissing and she sat on his lap.”

Now today we can reveal exactly why Michelle at 14 years his senior may have caught Tony’s attention. In these images taken from her 1984 film Michelle shows her wild side as she repeatedly strips for the camera.

So he went from banging Jessica Simpson to stuffing a middle-aged divorcee who starred in such hits as “Menendez: A Killing in Beverly Hills” and “Her Final Fury: Betty Broderick, the Last Chapter.” And I didn’t think it was possible to sink any lower without actually having sex with a retarded chick. Well-played, Tony Romo. Well-played.

With Demi Moore in 1984’s “Blame it on Rio”:

Jessica Simpson’s ill-advised “Barbie and Ken” themed birthday party never came to fruition this past weekend because boyfriend Tony Romo found texts on her phone from ex John Mayer. According to Radar Online

“[Tony and Jessica] were hanging out and he picked up her phone and she got defensive about it,” the source revealed. “Tony found messages from John and went ballistic.”

While the couple has had their fair share of rocky patches during their relationship, the idea of Simpson possibly cheating with Mayer was the straw that broke the camel’s back: “Tony dumped her right then. He walked out and that was it.”

Although she gets dumped more often than Jennifer Aniston, brave little Jess hasn’t given up on love just yet. She tweeted

“Barbie party didn’t happen, but I turned 29 and feel like I am on top of the world yelling, ‘I love getting older! Everyone needs to know that hope floats … grab the strings and pull it back to you.”

And if that doesn’t work, put it in a chokehold and smother it with Rocky Road ice cream. You can’t spell “desperate” without “ate,” you know!

Back when she was still hot:

Jessica Simpson continues to squash herself into the latest role Papa Simpson wants her to play—Chubby County Blonde Girl Next Door. But she’s totally okay with that! A pal told OK! Magazine,

“She’s done depriving herself and missing out on life just to fit into a size 2 jeans,” the friend says. “She doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the way she looks.”

One of the reasons the singer is feeling more comfortable may have to do with a certain Dallas Cowboys quarterback! Jess’s boyfriend, Tony Romo, reportedly loves her curvier look and has encouraged her to not take life so seriously.

“Whether she’s catching one of Tony’s games, or just hanging out with him, she’ll throw back a couple of beers, eat some pizza and just have fun,” the singer’s friend says. “She is just in a different place than she used to be and her weight gain is a reflection of that.”

Sure, it’s all fine and good to start eating more and being happy with gaining weight until you find yourself at the bottom of an empty well with a cross-dressing murderer making you rub lotion on your skin. You don’t want the hose, do you?

Real girls eat meat. And — from the looks of Jessica Simpson here — also donuts and Hershey bars and double-potato fritattas. Saddle on up, fatty!

With Tony in LA:

Looks like Joe Simpson’s shameless begging paid off — despite their recent split, Tony Romo was on hand to escort maid of honor Jessica Simpson down the aisle at little sister Ashlee’s wedding this weekend. People Magazine says

Simpson and her NFL-star beau were spotted together Friday… during Ashlee’s rehearsal dinner, held at Jessica’s Beverly Hills home. “They were very cozy and cute together,” said a source close to the couple. “She was in an amazing mood and so happy her sister was getting married.”

As for Saturday’s wedding and Alice In Wonderland-themed reception, Romo [and Jessica] “were kissing and holding hands throughout the night. He was very sweet to her. They were very much a couple.”

Joe Simpson likes to fancy himself as some kind of clever pirate, commandeering his daughter’s lives and steering them toward his own fiscal success. The reality is he’s like a retarded puppeteer who mostly uses his sock puppets for jerking off and keeping his hand cool while he shoots himself in the foot.

According to Chicago gossip blog These Boots Are Made for Stalking, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has finally kicked Jessica Simpson to the curb. Star Magazine reports

“They’re broken up,” Tony’s pal told the blog. “He told us they broke up and that was that. We’re guys so we didn’t talk about it much.” Tony made the most of his boys’ weekend — spending hours at Uncle Fatty’s Rum Resort “drinking Grey Goose and Diet Cokes… surrounded by girls. He zeroed in on one blonde all night. That blonde wasn’t Jessica Simpson.”

The blog didn’t mention if he plans on using that throwing arm of his for anything more than moving faggy drinks toward his mouth and jerking off, but I’d say all signs still point to yes. So no worries, Cowboys fans! Everything’s still on track!

Minus Romo this weekend at a Mexican restaurant:

Jessica Simpson and boyfriend Tony Romo celebrated his birthday over the weekend at Suite nightclub in Dallas, where Jessica serenaded him with a quivery-lipped version of “Happy Birthday” before fisting his Cowboys-themed birthday cake and spackling his face with it. I’m guessing she just forgot “which one on the face the eatin’ hole was.” According to People Magazine

“She licked cake from his face as everyone cheered them on. It was quite a spectacle… Jessica had blue icing all over her hands and mouth and Tony was laughing.”

The neat thing about blue cake is that it makes blue vomit. And there’s nothing funnier than blue vomit. Unless it’s a midget in a top hat being fired from a cannon, but that almost never happens in the mainland U.S. anymore. Fortunately, that’s why God made Singapore.

Cosmopolitan named their annual “Fun and Fearless Men” yesterday in New York, and the one thing the esteemed honorees seemed to have in common — besides their penchant for chest waxing — was Jessica Simpson’s ass. Current boyfriend Tony Romo, ex John Mayer and fling Dane Cook were all among the nominated at the awards. MSNBC says

Romo broke the ice by accepting his award and saying, “Along the red carpet I was asked about 20 times what makes a fun and fearless male, and I didn’t really have an answer, but then I got to thinking … Dane Cook … John Mayer … If you dig Jessica Simpson, I guess you get to do this.”

Not to be outdone, another honoree, rapper Common, accepted his award saying, “Thank you for this award. I haven’t hooked up with Jessica Simpson, but I still earned it.”

“Fun and Fearless,” was it? In my day, they called ‘em “Shortbus Stalkers” and you certainly didn’t get an award for it.

After a romantic date at Il Sole Monday night, quarterback Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson hit up the “Metal Skool” karaoke night at Key Club in L.A. Us Weekly says

The Dallas Cowboys quarterback [took] the stage. Romo’s pick: Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” As he belted out the hit, Simpson alternated between kissing him on the cheek, wrapping her arms around him and staring dreamily into his eyes. “He was singing directly to her — and she was on cloud nine,” a witness there told Us.

Wow. The only way that guy gets any douchier is if he single-handedly destroyed the Cowboy’s chance at Superbowl-dom and his last name rhymed with “homo.” Oh, wait…

A couple of drunk Jess climbing into Homo’s SUV and some candids at LAX over the weekend:

Star quarterback Tony Romo has finally comes to his senses and wants out of his relationship with Jessica Simpson and her creepy dad. OK! magazine says

On Jan. 17, Tony called Jessica at her L.A. home to try to break things off. “He said he thought it was better if they went back to being friends,” a pal of the singer tells OK!. “‘Tony has finally started to realize how high-maintenance Jessica is. We’re talking diva status. She comes with an entourage, and that includes her dad, Joe Simpson.”

But according to the pal, Jessica refused to give up. “‘Just friends’ is not in Jessica’s vocabulary. She knows how bad this will look in the media.”

Nothing warms a man’s a heart like desperation. In fact, when it comes to relationships, ladies, your ticket to lifelong happiness with a man centers almost exclusively around the ability to cling with a leech-like tenacity. Of course, if that isn’t working, you could always try anal. It has an almost 74% retention rate, even higher when coupled with a willingness to participate in threesomes and home videos. Signing over your paychecks and the title to your car works great, too. Then you can pull out the big guns and get yourself knocked up and start planning your wedding. It’s as good as an engagement ring, and he doesn’t even have to borrow your credit card to buy it!

Jessica in West Hollywood last week:

Once again, Jessica Simpson’s father is responsible for her latest boyfriend. And by “boyfriend,” I of course meant “guy who uses her boobs for target practice until her crippling self-esteem issues shrivel up his penis like a big jar of hot brine.” Page Six reports

Jessica Simpson has her daddy, Joe, to thank for her new love, quarterback Tony Romo. A pal said, “Joe is a huge Dallas Cowboy fan, and Tony has always had a crush on her. Tony… called Joe and said, ‘I know she’s not dating anyone right now, can I take her out for a drink at least?’ They’ve been dating for a couple of weeks now, and Jessica is so happy.” The lovebirds are so into each other that Romo joined the Simpsons for Thanksgiving.

Pretty much anything having to do with Jessica’s vagina is courtesy her pervert father. Ten bucks says he called Page Six with this story himself, then finished it with a “check out her awesome tits!” while holding his hands out a foot from his chest and making honking sounds. I’m glad he took a little time off from taking dirty pictures of her to pass her ass along to some whoremonger formerly linked to like seven other Hollywood sluts (including Britney Spears). That’s like finding a used condom underneath a passed-out hobo and offering to stuff it inside your eldest daughter just in time for her new country album to drop. The only difference is the passed-out hobo happens to make $67.5 million dollars and be on TV a lot. It’s practically a country song in the making!

Jess at Birds Bar last week: