Britney Spears made a “surprise” appearance on Letterman last night for the first time since announcing her divorce from husband Kevin Federline in 2006, reading off the night’s Top Ten Ways the Country Would be Different if Britney Spears Were President in a little black bikini:

10. I’d be the first president to wear eyeshadow since Nixon

9. We would only invade fun places, like Cabo

8. Free pie for everybody

7. My situation room would be a cabana at the Palms Casino in Las Vegas

6. I’d lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance “Circus Fantasy”

5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes

4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy

3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by the end of the decade

2. Three words: Vice President Diddy

1. Finally, the media would pay some attention to me!

Those were lame and uninspired. Kind of like Letterman’s show for the last three years. So, as a gift to you, I present my own Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different if Britney Spears Were President:

10. Laxatives replace bald eagle as national bird

9. New anthem: “Oops, I Did it Again” club remix

8. Air Force One repainted pink and upholstered in glitter

7. New “I’ve shown you mine, now show me yours” policy regarding foreign heads of state

6. Government subsidizing for Frito-Lay and Hostess

5. Inauguration dinner at the Taco Bell

4. The President’s cabinet: Red Bull, Vodka, Correctol, and Xanax

3. All national addresses to be lipsynched and choreographed and accompanied by two submissives in tutus suspended from a ceiling cable.

2. New flag contains 5150 stars

and the number one way the Country Would Be Different if Britney Spears Were President

1. Read my “lips”: No new underpants!

Maxim U.K. has put out yet another useless list, this one titled “Top Ten Hottest Wimbeldon Tennis Players of 2009,” and rounding out the top three spots are Alona Bondarenko, Marta Domachowska, and Nicole Vaidisova. Not to be confused with Oksana Gaponenko, Tatyana Fedoseev, and Irina Svichkar, who topped my “Top Ten Hottest Mail Order Brides of 2009″ list. Trafficked and racquet sound a lot a like, so it’s a pretty easy mistake to make.

_{1. Alona Bondarenko, 2. Marta Domachowska, 3. Nicole Vaidisova, 4. Elena Dementieva, 5. Maria Kirilenko, 6. Maria Sharapova, 7. Daniela Hantuchova, 8. Mathilde Johansson, 9. Ana Ivanovic, 10. Elena Vesnina}

Former Playmate Shauna Sand left a Hollywood nightclub on Monday in a completely see-through black dress. You know, there are several clues that your dress is not appropriate for everyday wear, the most obvious being “The only thing more transparent than your dress is glass, possibly air.” I made a list of helpful hints for those of you who are still uncertain about the suitability of your chosen attire.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR DRESS IS TOO SLUTTY

10. The only shoes that work with the dress are lucite heels or thigh-high PVC boots

9. The words “YOUR DICK HERE” are written across the chest, crotch and ass

8. The breast pockets are actually condoms-carriers

7. The label says it’s 100% semen-resistant

6. The total square footage of the dress is less than that of a standard-size washcloth

5. Anyone onstage at Juggernauts is wearing the same ensemble

4. The belt doubles as a string of anal beads

3. It’s made of lycra with pleather accents or faux snakeskin with feather accents

2. Any part of the dress is “pull-away”

and the number one sign your dress is too slutty:

1. The tag inside says “Property of Shauna Sand”

The 2008 Verizon and Tag Body Spray MTV Video Music Awards were last night, and the big winner of the evening? Hold on to your extensions! People Magazine says

It was Britney’s night!

The pop star made a triumphant return to MTV’s Video Music Awards, winning three Moonmen, including the night’s big honor, video of the year, for her hit “Piece of Me.” She looked a little nervous at first, but proved to be in fighting form in a vintage silver Versace minidress.

And there you have it, folks. After sixteen nominations, Britney finally won big. I suppose that was the “highlight” of the evening. And yes, there were highlights. I’m pretty sure there were. There had to be. It was like seven goddamn hours long. Maybe if I close my eyes tight and think real hard, I could remember a couple of them for you. Let’s see…

TOP TEN HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE 2008 VMAS

10. When nobody tells Rihanna or her rat tail that there’s toilet paper tucked in the back of her leather diaper. Tee hee!

9. When I realize that somebody must have finally hit Pete Wentz with a car, because he appears to be wearing a neck brace.

8. When the Jonas Brothers come straight from their shift at the Soda Shoppe to give an acoustic rendition of “Love Bug.” The only way this song could be any gayer is if it were sung by Andy Dick on Turkish Bath Night.

7. When MTV cuts Katy Perry’s version of “Like a Virgin” to less than twenty seconds. Strangely, I now feel like a virgin, because my vagina seems to have sewn itself shut.

6. The 33 seconds out of four total minutes L’il Wayne doesn’t have his hand on his junk during his performance.

5. When I see that hey, Bootsy Collins isn’t dead after all! But why is he dressed like black Uncle Sam?

4. When rapper T.I. mysteriously performs without me getting a UTI. It’s a VMA miracle!

3. When I went outside for ten minutes to smoke pot.

2. When I spent another twenty minute debating the decline of pop music and where to assign blame for the current state of MTV, conveniently missing Pink’s and Miley Cyrus’ performances.

and the number one highlight of the 2008 MTV VMA’s:

1. When the end credits finally started rolling.

Britney, Britney, Britney:

Lindsay Lohan:

Christina Aguilera:

Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry:

Rihanna and her rat tail:

Taylor Swift:

With the success of recent movie sequels like Indiana Jones and Rocky, Hollywood execs have decided to shit all over one of the most iconic movies of the 1980’s — Top Gun. According to The Sun

Movie bosses want to bring back cocky fighter-pilot trainee Maverick 22 years after the first film. A script outline has been written, but the sequel depends on Cruise, 46, saying yes.

An insider said: “The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor — and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot.”

It wouldn’t work, primarily because the Maverick version of Tom Cruise is long gone. Instead you have this Scientology-obsessed, socially inept little weirdo whose approval rating ranks right below George W. Bush’s and Hilter’s. People don’t want to see his movies anymore. And frankly, Kenny Loggins isn’t the musical powerhouse he was in the 80’s. But all that aside, the fate of a sequel usually rests in its title. I took the liberty of splicing a couple together for you. I present:

TOP TEN “TOP GUN” POTENTIAL SEQUEL TITLES

10. Top Gun Part Deux: Resurrection

9. Top Gun II: In Dark Territory

8. Big Top Pete Mitchell

7. Top Gun II: Back 2 Tha’ Hood

6. Book of Shadows: Top Gun 2

5. Son of Maverick

4. Top Gun II: Havana Nights

3. Look Who’s Flying Now

2. Top Gun Reloaded

and the number one Top Gun potential movie sequel title:

1. Top Gun II: “Cruise” Control

Denise Richards was in court yesterday morning to request an emergency order restricting ex-husband Charlie Sheen’s access to their two daughters, citing a psychologically damaging “issue” in his home. According to TMZ

They told the judge there’s a serious issue in Charlie’s home that could have an adverse impact on the kids. The issue, we’re told, is psychological and Denise wants professionals to evaluate things. In the meantime, she doesn’t want her kids hanging around there.

Three guesses says the psychological detriment in the home happens to rhyme with “binflatable moll.” This is Charlie Sheen we’re talking about. It’s not hard to imagine a few things you might find lying around the Sheen household that could be emotionally scarring to children. Christ, I can think of ten right off the top of my head. Naturally, I made a list for you:

TOP TEN PSYCHOLOGICALLY DAMAGING ITEMS YOU’D FIND IN CHARLIE SHEEN’S HOME:

10. Intimate Synergy^TM spinning sex swing

9. Naked pictures of John Cryer

8. Syringes full of injectable cocaine

7. Authentic Ginger Lynn Pocket Pussy

6. Loaded 9 millimeter

5. Closet full of dead hookers

4. Professional Sports Handicappers on speed dial

3. Pom-poms that double as anal bead/gag restraints

2. An IV bag full of Crown Royal

and the number one psychologically damaging item you might find in Charlie Sheen’s home:

1. Extended director’s cut edition of “Men at Work”

Denise in Maui back in April: