When I first read about this, my immediate thought was, What, Britney’s going topless so people will throw clothes at her? Or maybe she’s going to feed the hungry with the leftover cheeseburger bits and Bacos stuck in her bellybutton? The truth is a lot more boring, since the picture of her that’s being auctioned off on eBay is actually a painting of a photo of a topless Britney. Way to pull a fast one, Britney! Actually, that painting would look awesome in my living room next to panther floor lamp. I’m off to place my bid! I sure hope they take Monopoly money.

George Clooney’s yacht stands an impressive 175 feet long, regularly makes stops along the French Riviera, and comes equipped with supermodel Cindy Crawford lounging around topless. My ‘84 Chevy Caprice, on the other hand, has an analog tape deck, a gear shift held together with duct tape, and a distinctive odor from the “red beans and rice” incident my freshman year. But I didn’t pay $120 million dollars for it, so in your fucking face, George Clooney!

Most Americans won’t know who Page 3 girl and “Love Island” winner Bianca Gascoigne is, but she’s topless, so it probably won’t matter to them anyway. If there’s one thing Americans love, it’s boobs. And deep fryers. And beer and discount department stores and imperialistic entitlement! Just try and stop us, world! U - S - A! U - S- A!

All the pictures are technically LSFW. Technically. Except for the bare bottom in #4.

Here’s singer/musician James Blunt frolicking near his home in Ibiza with two hot chicks playing “Where’s the Nipple?” and “Doggy Style, but with Vaginas!“¹ In case you didn’t know, Blunt was also a Captain in the British Army — the first armored reconnaissance officer to enter the Kosovar capital during the 1999 NATO deployment. He also captained the Household Cavalry Alpine Ski Team and was the champion skier of the entire Royal Armoured Corps. So while you’re busy changing the toner and stapling together your TPS reports, James Blunt is busy being a military hero/champion skier batting away quality kitty on his boat in the middle of the Med. I guess what I’m trying to say is, if James Blunt were any better than you, you’d be dead. On the plus side, at least your last named doesn’t rhyme with “cunt,” so you got that going for you. Dream big, loser!

¹_{Which, incidentally, make great parlour games if you’ve already exhausted The Minister’s Cat and Lookabout}

In case Balthazar Getty’s wife and mother of his four children hadn’t seen those photos of her husband and Sienna Miller cavorting topless in a Italian villa boudoir last week, Sienna pranced around for a public titty-mauling in full view of God and the paparazzi on Friday. So much for subtlety, right? The only way this could be any more demeaning for poor Rosetta is if Sienna also took a dump on the picture and then slapped her in the face with it.

You got to hand it to Sienna Miller — when she fucks around with a woman’s husband, she doesn’t get weighed down with things like “shame” and “remorse” and “guilt.” She does it topless in the middle of the ocean while posing for the camera. The Daily Mail says

Sienna Miller has revealed the depth of her love for new boyfriend Balthazar Getty during a secret romantic break on the Amalfi Coast in Italy. The actress [and] the American TV and film star shared a kiss in a very public display of affection.

This guy is married with four kids, and she’s got her tits out and sitting in his lap like it’s topless fucking Christmas in July or something. Jesus. I’d say our only hope now is a carbon freezing chamber and a 600-year-old Hutt crime lord with a taste for herpes and RU-486.