Miss California Carrie Prejean was demanding over a million dollars in compensatory damages from pageant officials in a lawsuit last month — that is, until Pageant attorneys showed Carrie they were in possession of her sex tape. According to TMZ

The video the lawyer showed Carrie is extremely graphic and has never been released publicly. We know that, because TMZ obtained the video months ago but decided not to post it because it was so racy. Let’s just say, Carrie has a promising solo career.

We’re told it took about 15 seconds for Carrie to jettison her demand and essentially walk away. She pocketed nothing in the settlement.

So when it happens to David Letterman, it’s extortion that merits FBI intervention and jail time. When Carrie Prejean is blackmailed out of a million-dollar settlement with a sex tape, it’s just “legal negotiations.” I see. I’ll have to remember that when I show that girl from HR the secret camera-phone footage I took of her on the crapper last week.

Annoyingly censored topless pics before she got the fake titties:

You better not ever, ever make fun of Kate Winslet, or she’ll go and sue you for forty grand and somehow win. The technical legal term for said phenomenon is “crybaby puss.” According to Us Magazine

On Tuesday London’s High Court awarded the actress 25,000 British pounds (about $40,000 in American currency) in libel damages from the Daily Mail [for their] January article entitled “Should Kate Winslet win an Oscar for the world’s most irritating actress?” which she said “hurt and embarrassed” her. [The article also] claimed that Winslet, 34, lied about her exercise routine.

In a statement, Winslet said, “I was particularly upset to be accused of lying about my exercise regime and felt that I had a responsibility to request an apology in order to demonstrate my commitment to the views that I have always expressed about body issues, including diet and exercise. To suggest that I was lying was an unacceptable accusation of hypocrisy.”

Back in grade school, we had the remedy for this sort of tattletale-type behavior. It was called “the purple nurple” and “the swirly.” Too bad she’s no longer bound by the rules of afternoon recess.

Kelly Brook topless in her debut performance in “Calendar Girls,” because we’ve already seen (NSFW) Kate Winslet’s tits, and frankly, (NSFW) they’re disgusting:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

The Japenese live longer, do better on international mathematics assessment tests, make better cars, and now they do haute couture better, too. Damn. The Asian philosophy of kaizen must go double for boobies!

Daria Werbooby Werbowy in the December issue of Japanese Vogue (all thumbs NSFW):

Heidi Klum’s new coffee table book “Heidilicious” shows the supermodel in a variety of interesting poses, including several of her naked and covered in chocolate. A perfect gift for the diabetic in your life! Amazon.com says

Whether as a sultry sex kitten or sophisticated femme fatale, this tribute by one of Ms. Klum’s favorite photographers, Rankin, captures her many moods and personas. This photographic master has a unique insight to this unparalleled fashion icon, gaining a variety of fascinating answers to the question, “What is Heidi really like?”

I don’t know about you, but after looking at this, that 3 Musketeers bar in my purse just isn’t going to cut it. “Get carried away!” my ass.

One girl, no cup:

If you want to see a waste of a perfectly good naked woman, try on next month’s Details magazine for size. You’ll find American Idol runner-up and notorious flamer Adam Lambert doing his best hetero impression all over a beautiful naked female model inside. I just don’t get it. Adam Lambert is gay, and Details magazine is gay… it doesn’t make any sense. The only way a naked woman is going to appeal to that target demographic is if there’s an article about the sophisticated old world charm wainscoting adds to a room and a recipe for the perfect risotto al Barolo printed on her backside.

I’m back, bitches! Hope your enjoyed your week with Sonya at the helm. And I also hope you didn’t get to used to actual quality writing, because it’s back to guzzling at the teat of the lowest common denominator now that I’m here! TMZ says

The sex tape starring Shauna Sand is being delayed a week — and it all has to do with whether or not Shauna signed on the dotted line.

Vivid Entertainment says it plans to counter Shauna’s cease and desist letter by bringing in a handwriting expert to prove the release they have is authentic.

And of course, if turns out to be her signature, it will be the only part of Shauna Sand that actually is real. I’m pretty sure the rest of her won’t biodegrade for another 10,000 years.

If you wished upon a star and your blow-up sex doll became a real boy (last two thumbs NSFW):

Kim Kardashian posed for yet another sexy but pointless photoshoot last weekend and posted the pics on her official website, saying

I love this one in the silver sequin drape! I didn’t know what we wanted out of this look but it feels very Venus water goddess to me!

Water goddess, indeed. But I bet without the mustache wax and the Lady Bic, Kim Kardashian would look more like a water buffalo. Armenians are freakin’ hairy.

More “goddess” pics, plus some of her arriving at at STK restaurant with her family:

PHOTO CREDIT: Pacific Coast News Online

I already gave you a taste of Sophie Monk topless in “The Hills Run Red,” but you guys don’t usually complain when I toss more titty your way, so here are Sophie Monk’s bare boobies. Again. That’s about it, really. No sense in beating a dead horse here. Especially when there are so many other things you’d rather be beating at the moment. Yeeeah, baby! High five!

Lots, lots, lots LOTS more NSFW boobage after the jump:

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Sophie Monk’s new movie “The Hills Run Red” heads straight to a DVD player near you today, in which she plays a stripper who shows her boobs. That’s all I really know. I was going to do a little more research, but that would have required reading words instead of staring at her boobs. Which, ironically, is exactly you’re doing right now. Dumbass!

All thumbs 2 and 3 NSFW:

Amazon.com says that the new book Room 23 chronicles “a year in the life of a penthouse suite in a hotel in Beverly Hills” through a series of photographs of “Hollywood’s characters and elite” as shot by Deborah Anderson. Some of the guests include Cindy Crawford, Heidi Klum and Marisa Miller (above), which is all well and good, but I still think the book fails to capture the raw animalism and élan vital of my new book, “Room 517 at the Motel 6 off Highway 44 in Poughkeepsie.” I used real truck stop hookers and everything.

Here’s a delicious sample of Page 3 girl Keely Hazell’s 2010 “Erotic Calendar.” Not to be confused with Keely Hazell’s 2010 “Psychotic Calendar,” which mostly consists of pictures of me jumping out the dumpster behind her flat and hacking off my own ear with a Swiss Army knife while she stands there screaming. Those pics still technically belong to Scotland Yard.

Break out your hankies, boys and girls — Lily Allen is retiring from music. The Sun says

Lily Allen has confirmed she will never make another album.

She wrote [on her new blog]: “Just so you know, I have not renegotiated my record contract and have no plans to make another record. The days of me making money from recording music has been and gone as far as I’m concerned.”

The 24-year-old star is now focusing on her appearance in a London theatre production called Reasons to be Pretty. “The play is about themes close to my heart, about the really damaging cult of beauty among young girls,” [Lily said].

I’m glad young girls will have a strong feminine icon like Lily to look up to so they can finally escape that “damaging cult of beauty.” A belligerent, yo-yo dieting, coke-binging, titty-flashing piss-ass drunk of an icon. Amy Winehouse was probably too busy.

Lily in this month’s GQ, plus some more behind the scene shots of Lily in her underpants — and some NSFW completely topless — after the jump

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