I’m assuming more than a few of you have subjected yourselves to those heinous Twilight books, and thus are aware of the fact that New Moon is, by far, the worst book in the whole series (which is seriously goddamn saying something, since every page you read of those books will make you exponentially dumber).  For those who had the sense to stay far, far away from the books but still wish to suffer, it’s your lucky day!  Here’s the new, extended trailer for New Moon:

Vampires and werewolves and retards, oh my:

Hi guys, it’s Sonya today while Abby takes a day off. My brain’s still a little rattled after driving in LA for the last few days, so here’s the effing awesome trailer for the new Star Wars: The Old Republic MMORPG, because I’m a raging nerd and this video just about made me wet my pants. More than usual, anyway. Enjoy!

Super Bowl XLIII was last night, but I passed out around 7:30, so I don’t know shit about what happened. But I’m going to take a wild stab at it for those loyal readers who missed it:

1. Someone butchers the national anthem with excessive trilling and “ee-heee-ings”

2. Then a bunch of guys line up on the field and crash into each other

3. Then they move a couple of feet and line up and crash into each other again

4. Overpriced commercial

5. Move a few more feet, line up and crash into each other

6. Closeup of a cheerleaders ass and/or tits and “enthusiastic” fans waving signs

7. Overpriced commercial

8. Line up and crash into each other again, but only this time the white guy hucks the football to a really fast black guy who runs to the end of the field and then makes an ass of himself by instructing the crowd to give him the applause he is so obviously due.

9. Beer commercial

10. Half-time.

11. Alternate steps 2-9 until the clock runs out.

Ta-da! It’s like just like you were there, except you’ve only wasted fifteen seconds of your life instead of five whole hours. Consider it my gift to you.

BONUS BONUS: Comcast customers in Tuscon had thirty seconds of porn spliced into their Super Bowl coverage by mistake last night. Finally, someone bothers to make the damn thing interesting! Click here to watch the NSFW video. Comcast is reportedly “investigating” the event.

BONUS: The New “G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra” trailer that debuted during the Superbowl last night. You don’t usually see something this good without it being swathed in toilet paper and swirling around in a porcelain bowl:

The trailer for the new X-Men movie “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” hit the net today, replete with enough glistening and rippling Hugh Jackman-ness to set a girl’s loins on fire. My goodness. I damn near slid off my seat after watching that, if you know what I mean! Probably because I was trying to pour nacho cheese on my frittata while I was typing that last sentence. Seriously, does everything have to be about vaginas with you? God, you’re such a pervert.

Jessica Biel stars as a stripper trying to earn money to care for her terminally ill son in the upcoming movie “Powder Blue.” Now, before you go out and piss away eight dollars to see Jessica Biel naked, you should know there’s a catch: even though she’s a stripper, she never actually gets naked in the movie. Or even topless, for that matter. The Daily Mail says

The cautious actress… has signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see. The contract [bans] shots of her breasts (nipples from the front and side) and her bottom (side view only) in the Crash-like ensemble drama Powder Blue.

Well, that’s just fucking genius, man. Hollywood. I swear. Look — strippers strip. That’s just what they do. It’s intrinsic to their character. Centering your movie around a stripper who doesn’t take her clothes off is like casting Will Ferrell in a sports movie without John C. Reily or not killing the token black guy in the first five minutes of a sci-fi flick. It breaks every cardinal rule of movie-making.

The trailer for the new Christian Bale movie “Terminator Salvation” has hit the web, and boy does it look awesome. My only complaint is that it’s missing the naked oil rubdown and the extreme closeups of John Connor thrusting, which I consider elemental to the series. What do you wanna bet the fire marshal made the director put the kibosh on the sexy stuff? You know, so the fire departments wouldn’t have to concern themselves with the hundreds of panties that would inevitably drop to the floor on sight of Christian Bale’s magnificent nakedness, potentially blocking exits in crowded theaters? From what I remember about freshman year, panty-piles can be a real fire hazard. Same goes for hoarding tanks of nitrous oxide in your dorm room and making rivers out of Southern Comfort and cigarette butts in your roommate’s shower caddy. See, I did learn stuff in college! In your face, Mom and Dad!

It seems the stress of having six children under the age of seven has finally taken its toll on poor Brad Pitt. That said, I’d totally still do it with him. Absence of testicles and spine and everything. Then we’d watch Wheel and I’d steal the money out of his wallet and painkillers out of his medicine cabinet, just like when I was a kid at Grandma’s. Nothing like the holidays to make you feel nostalgic again!

Now with hot trailer action:

Hi kiddies, it’s Sonya and I’ll be “it” today. I get called “It” a lot, so it’s not a big change. Anyhoo. Guess who was finally introduced to her native habitat? Pam Anderson may not have been born into the trailer park, but “double-wide” and “Pam Anderson” sounds like it should go together like peanut butter and jelly. Of course, “double wide” could be describing her vagina. But I digress. According to FOXNews,

Pamela Anderson and her kids have relocated from their Los Angeles house into a mobile home. But don’t worry that the former ‘Baywatch’ star has fallen on bad times. It turns out the situation is only temporary, as Anderson waits for renovations on her house to be comlpeted. But the blonde bombshell sounds like she’s in no hurry to move back home.

“I live in a mobile home and I love it. It’s my favorite thing in the world. I have two homes but I can honestly say I would much rather live in a trailer than anywhere else,” she reportedly told Bang Showbiz. “It’s small but chic and perfect for me and the kids. We are so close to the beach and it’s fun having to sit on bean bags and do our washing at the laundromat.”

Something tells me the other folks at the laundromat aren’t as tickled by not having their own washing machine at home, but at least Pam is having fun living like a commoner. Or maybe she’s discovered the joy of sitting on a vibrating washer/dryer combo.

Pam on Malibu Beach with no makeup but wearing a bra?!

The trailer’s up for Lindsay Lohan’s new turd of a movie, and boy is it everything you’d imagined it to be. Trite, painfully unfunny, bereft of any real effort or originality and packed with kind of no-name d-listers that ooze out of the bowels of SNL and cling to Hollywood’s listless asshole like a couple of metaphorical dingleberries. I guess what I’m really saying is that pretty much any “shit” metaphor works here. I’m also saying that you should keep a roll of Charmin near your desk if you plan on watching the whole thing. It’s the cinematic equivalent of doing cannonballs with Metamucil and Ex-Lax.