In typical Lindsay fashion, Lindsay Lohan arrived nearly 40 minutes late to her own probation violation hearing this morning. In typical L.A. judge fashion, he didn’t tell her to go fuck herself. Instead he set the preliminary hearing for April 22nd, passed the case onto another judge and told her she had till March 25th to decide whether or not to accept the plea bargain. TMZ says:

The judge has sent the case to another judge — Stephanie Sautner — for a preliminary hearing, but he’s giving her one more chance to accept his offer. Lindsay will be back in court before Judge Schwartz on March 25, and she can plead either guilty or no contest to the grand theft charge.

If Lindsay doesn’t accept the plea, Judge Sautner will hold a preliminary hearing on April 22. At the same time Judge Sautner will decide if Lindsay violated her probation — and it’s virtually a sure bet the judge will rule Lindsay did indeed violate it. At that point Lindsay will go to jail as she awaits trial.

I think a girl who can’t be bothered to show up on time or wear a bra to court has already made it clear just how she feels about the state of California’s penal system. Mostly cold.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Lindsay Lohan’s first official poster for the movie “Machete” is out today, and I give it a big resounding “meh.” Ooh, she’s licking the gun… while dressed as a nun! See, that even fucking rhymes. She couldn’t be more unoriginal if she was Carlos Mencia. Well, you can prepare yourself to see a lot more of Lindsay’s forked tongue in the next six months, because she’s figured out how to make the system her bitch by tapping into the the well-documented powers of the parapsychological phenomena. According to Page Six:

A source said, “Lindsay is still convinced she’ll get a reduced term — even if she has to go to rehab afterwards for longer. She’s even seeing a psychic for guidance.”

Oh, I don’t believe that for a minute. They probably just heard her wrong. After all, “psychic” and “suck dick” are pretty close phonetically. With Lindsay, I find it’s always better to err on the side of blowjobs.

Off to meet the Wizard:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

I would call Paris Hilton a lot of things. “Slut Machine”, “STD Distribution Machine”, “Useless Twat Machine” perhaps, but not “Promotion Machine”, which is what her lawyer is calling her. Digital Spy explains,

Paris Hilton’s lawyer has branded her a “promotion machine” following allegations that she failed to publicise her 2006 movie Pledge This!, reports BBC.

The socialite has been sued for $8.3 million by the Worldwide Entertainment Group, which has alleged that she refused to promote the DVD release of the 2006 sorority comedy.

Speaking in a Miami court yesterday, attorney Michael Weinstein said: “[She] was a promotion machine. For two-and-a-half years she relentlessly promoted that movie.”

The WEG has suggested that Hilton’s alleged refusal to promote the project was directly responsible for its failure. She was paid $1 million to star in the picture, but it only grossed around $2.9 million worldwide.

A lawyer for the company said: “At no time would she take ten minutes to do a phone interview… It might have made a difference. It would have done better.”

Weinstein told the court that Hilton had been unhappy with the final edit of the movie but insisted that she had not refused to promote it, although he admitted that her busy schedule meant she could not accomodate all the producers’ requests.

Let’s take a quick vote. Anyone ever heard of this movie? Raise your hands. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Okay, no. I hereby declare the defendant guilty on all charges, and whatever else I feel like bringing against her. She shall immediately be removed and airdropped into Al-Qaeda territory. Case dismissed!

Arriving for day 2 at court