If Bigfoot falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? This is a perplexing question to consider as you watch Khloe Kardashian attempt to ride a sex swing she installed in her bedroom. Of course, I suppose that’s a moot question since she and her other God-forsaken sisters don’t take a shit without cameras rolling. Says Too Fab about the incident,

Khloe Kardashian is many things — wife, reality star, entrepreneur — but sex swing installation expert isn’t one of them.

During last night’s season premiere of “Khloe & Lamar,” the Kardashian sister decided it was time to spice things up with hubby Lamar Odom in the bedroom.

Instead of hiring someone to hook up a swing over her bed, Khloe decided to do it herself … with disastrous consequences.

Right as she and Lamar were about to put it to the test, the swing crashed down — with Khloe in it!

“I’m embarrassed and I’m trying to push the limits and do something new,” she said after. “But I’m not a handyman.”

So, she’s embarrassed to call a handyman, but not to tape herself in what should have been a private moment and air it on TV? Bitch, please.

Oh look, Kim K doing the only thing she’s good for: showing off her body in a bikini:

Ke$ha appeared on Nickelodeon’s Victorious, for reasons I can’t surmise. I didn’t think they would stoop to “talentless transsexual performs on the eve of the Apocalypse while defiling the American flag” to up ratings on a kid’s show. I’d expect something like that from Disney.

With Victoria Justice and Elizabeth Gillies:

Pictures credit: Mail Online

It’s hard when celebrities, who normally get their way in everything and are seemingly above the laws that the rest of us plebeians live under, suddenly find their shit stinks too. Case in point: Lady Gaga thought she’d bring Anderson Cooper and his camera crew to the apartment she used to live, and would be invited in with open arms. Says Mail Online,

Lady Gaga finds fame doesn’t always open doors when she goes back to visit her old apartment – and the current resident refuses to let her in.

The pop queen – real name Stefani Germanotta – returned to the New York apartment block where she lived for three years before finding stardom for a U.S. TV special.

But her plans to show host Anderson Cooper and the ’60 Minutes’ crew around her old pad were dashed by the current occupant.

Gaga knocked on the door of her former apartment and announced: “Hi, this is Lady Gaga. I was just wondering if I could say, ‘Hi.’”

She did not get the response she was expecting though as the resident told her through the door: “I’d rather not have any cameras.”

Instead Gaga had to settle for showing Cooper a box of treasured mementos, including the first song she ever wrote aged four, called ‘Dollar Bills’.

The Lady Gaga TV special is set to air in America on February 13.

I’m sorry, the “Lady Gaga TV special”? Where we walk the hallowed steps of her former life, before her extraordinary talent was discovered? Who the hell is she, Elvis? that we’re supposed to be interested in the apartment that she lived, “where it all started”? Tell you what. Let’s have her die first, then you can have your show about “a life and talent cut short”. Deal? Deal.

Ohhhhh Mischa. Poor crazy, skinny fat girl. Your world is all upended. You’re skinny, yet you can get a double chin that would please a Rubenesque painter. You have a skinny little behind, yet you still have copious amounts of cellulite. You get 5150′d against your will.  I’m troubled, dear flower child, that you will do yourself some serious harm that would stop the release of your upcoming show, “The Beautiful Life”, of which this is the first I’ve heard about, so that can’t be a good sign, but I’d like to believe you could be in a show that I’d remotely care about, and since this one is about you being a model turned drug addict, I really believe you could pull it off, because I’m really a nice person at heart and don’t want it to bomb and send you into an even deeper spiral of crazy and do something dreadful like off yourself, because then we couldn’t write about you anymore. But I guess that makes me not so much a guileless, kind soul, but more like a heartless guttersnipe. But let’s not squabble about semantics. Let’s have a chat sometime, okay?

Love,

Sonya

At the photoshoot for “The Beautiful Life”:

Hi there guys, it’s Sonya, and I’ll be filling in for Abby this week, so to start things off–I know you’ve been wondering what Katie Holmes has been up to. No? Well, I have. I was going to Google her to see what’s new, but that was on my to do list after “purify my soul with self-flagellation”, and well, I just didn’t get around to it. What can I say, it’s summer and I’m feeling a bit unrepentant. Which is fortunate that Digital Spy has already taken care of that for me.

Katie Holmes has been described by her choreographer as a “brilliant dancer”, it has emerged.

The 30-year-old actress has been confirmed to appear on the 100th episode of Fox’s So You Think You Can Dance on July 23.

Holmes, who is expected to channel Judy Garland, will help aid her nonprofit organisation, the Dizzy Feet Foundation, with her song-and-dance number on the show.

Choreographer Mia Michaels told People: “She’s really blossoming into a gorgeous triple-threat star.

“So, I’m excited. I saw clips of it and it’s brilliant!”

Well, duh. That’s a given. If a Stepford Wife can’t bust out a mean robot dance routine, I don’t know what this world’s coming to. And if she’s “channeling Judy Garland”, I hope that means that Tom Cruise won’t be expecting to get a set of ruby slippers out of this.

Katie “Mrs. Roboto” Holmes, handler and spawn at the Australian stage production of ‘Jersey Boys: The Story of Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons’ at the Princess Theatre….snore