Ohhhhh Mischa. Poor crazy, skinny fat girl. Your world is all upended. You’re skinny, yet you can get a double chin that would please a Rubenesque painter. You have a skinny little behind, yet you still have copious amounts of cellulite. You get 5150′d against your will.  I’m troubled, dear flower child, that you will do yourself some serious harm that would stop the release of your upcoming show, “The Beautiful Life”, of which this is the first I’ve heard about, so that can’t be a good sign, but I’d like to believe you could be in a show that I’d remotely care about, and since this one is about you being a model turned drug addict, I really believe you could pull it off, because I’m really a nice person at heart and don’t want it to bomb and send you into an even deeper spiral of crazy and do something dreadful like off yourself, because then we couldn’t write about you anymore. But I guess that makes me not so much a guileless, kind soul, but more like a heartless guttersnipe. But let’s not squabble about semantics. Let’s have a chat sometime, okay?

Love,

Sonya

At the photoshoot for “The Beautiful Life”:

Hi there guys, it’s Sonya, and I’ll be filling in for Abby this week, so to start things off–I know you’ve been wondering what Katie Holmes has been up to. No? Well, I have. I was going to Google her to see what’s new, but that was on my to do list after “purify my soul with self-flagellation”, and well, I just didn’t get around to it. What can I say, it’s summer and I’m feeling a bit unrepentant. Which is fortunate that Digital Spy has already taken care of that for me.

Katie Holmes has been described by her choreographer as a “brilliant dancer”, it has emerged.

The 30-year-old actress has been confirmed to appear on the 100th episode of Fox’s So You Think You Can Dance on July 23.

Holmes, who is expected to channel Judy Garland, will help aid her nonprofit organisation, the Dizzy Feet Foundation, with her song-and-dance number on the show.

Choreographer Mia Michaels told People: “She’s really blossoming into a gorgeous triple-threat star.

“So, I’m excited. I saw clips of it and it’s brilliant!”

Well, duh. That’s a given. If a Stepford Wife can’t bust out a mean robot dance routine, I don’t know what this world’s coming to. And if she’s “channeling Judy Garland”, I hope that means that Tom Cruise won’t be expecting to get a set of ruby slippers out of this.

Katie “Mrs. Roboto” Holmes, handler and spawn at the Australian stage production of ‘Jersey Boys: The Story of Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons’ at the Princess Theatre….snore