The December issue of Maxim is finally on the newsstands, so here are the first round of shitty low-res scans of Ashley Greene’s inside pictorial. Ooh, speaking of Ashley Greene, that reminds me — what’s the difference between a girl who stars in Twilight and a girl buying tickets to see Twilight? About forty pounds and a couple of boxes of Manic Panic. Zing!
Some chick you’ve never heard of before from the “Twilight” series got naked for this PETA ad (click header for NSFW version). Try not to wet your pants from excitement. The NY Daily News says
Expressing solidarity with all things cute and cuddly, 19-year-old Christian Serratos appears in the woods of what looks like none other than Forks, Washington. This appearance makes Serratos the youngest person to pose naked in a PETA ad.
So talking about taking pictures of increasingly younger naked teen girls is okay now? That’s good to know. My parole officer is always acting like it’s some kind of social faux pas to bring it up in dinner conversation. Only his words were more like “direct violation of Federal Child Exploitation Laws” and “felony charge and a minimum of five years in jail.” That guy really needs to get with the program.
At the Nylon magazine launch party a few months back:
PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News
It’s no secret that I hate teenagers with a passion usually reserved for ethnic minorities and the New York Yankees. I hate their stupid text speak and their stupid acne-riddled faces. I hate their stupid Twilight franchise. I hate their impenetrable unawareness of what insufferable douchebags they are. So by all accounts, I should hate country singer Taylor Swift… but I don’t. In a world of egotistical oversexed Miley Cyruses and Britney Spearses, she remains humble, self-effacing, down-to-earth, and wholesomely cute. I can’t find anything bad to say about her. Trying to make fun of her is like trying to make fun of a burn victim with Down’s Syndrome. Not to say it can’t be done, but it really doesn’t feel all that great while you’re doing it. Sorta like having sex with an Asian dude.
Taylor as Kate Gosselin:
“Twilight’s” Ashley Greene has two different covers for the December issue of Maxim. I guess it’s some kind of marketing ploy to get you to buy two copies of the same magazine, but I’m not sure the the public is going to go for that kind of fuckery in today’s economy. Unless one of the covers is scratch-and-sniff and the other one is 3-D and topographically correct, I ain’t buyin’. Masturbation isn’t an art; it’s a science! And I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to pay for science. I’ll save that for the hippie liberals and their left-wing agenda.
Putting the “tight” in Twilight over the last year:
PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News
I get about five or six emails a day calling me a racist, or a misogynist, or a racist misogynist, so today I’m going to make a point to show you that I can be just as demeaning to men as I am to women, regardless of their race. I present “Twilight’s” Taylor Lautner, in all his wet-shirted glory. I guess a man frolicking in the waves and staving off a head injury is sexy to some people. And by “some people” I of course mean “queers.” I don’t want to come off as too self-righteous here or anything.
Even more after the jump:
These pictures of Twilight’s Ashley Greene are like a year old, but all the other cool kids are putting them up, so far be it from me not to follow suit. Besides, lots of things get better as they get older. These pictures might have been aged in an oak barrel in an underground cellar in France for the last 12 months for all I know. I’m pretty sure I could charge you extra for that.
I was all ready to make some hackneyed joke about how “me likey the lychan,” because I was pretty sure Kellan Lutz was one of the werewolves in the new Twilight movie, and the technical name for werewolves is lycanthropes. Comedy gold, right? Yeah, I thought so. But then I thought, “Hang on, I better check to make sure that’s right,” because God forbid I say that dude’s a werewolf when he’s actually one of the Dolturi or whatever the hell they’re called. So then I find myself scouring the internet for Twilight plot analyses and character bios when suddenly it occurs to me — “I’m fucking scouring the internet for Twilight plot analyses and character bios.” Frankly, they just don’t pay me enough for that shit. You can do the research your own damn self.
I’m assuming more than a few of you have subjected yourselves to those heinous Twilight books, and thus are aware of the fact that New Moon is, by far, the worst book in the whole series (which is seriously goddamn saying something, since every page you read of those books will make you exponentially dumber). For those who had the sense to stay far, far away from the books but still wish to suffer, it’s your lucky day! Here’s the new, extended trailer for New Moon:
Vampires and werewolves and retards, oh my:
I was out of town visiting my redneck family over the weekend (thanks to Sonya and Sarah for covering for me these past few days!), and while I was downloading these pictures of Twilight’s Ashley Greene naked, my uncle peered over my shoulder and said, “Woo-wee! Looks like somebody done caught herself a case of the nekkids!” And I thought to myself, “Can I say it any better than that?” The answer is no. No, I can’t. My uncle’s like the fucking Poet Laureate of Appalachia. So take off your hat and show some respect in the presence of greatness, bitches!
UNSEXY UDPDATE: So lawyers are real boner-killers.
Ohh boy. Can you hear it? It’s the sound of tweens worldwide simultaneously “Squee!”-ing at the same time. It’s fictional romance come to life! Daily News is reporting that Twilight’s Kristen Stewart may be carrying Robert Pattinson’s pasty spawn.
An Australian tabloid is claiming that “Twilight” heartthrob Robert Pattinson has knocked up his onscreen and rumored real-life girlfriend, Kristen Stewart.
An “insider” quoted by Australia’s New Weekly says, “When [Stewart] worked out she was late, she obviously started to thinking that she could be pregnant. And because of the timing, she thinks Rob could be the father.”
The gossip mag also reports she had a friend buy a home pregnancy test for her, and that she is “very nervous about the whole situation.”
The article is accompanied by a photo of Stewart with a tiny round belly protruding from her pants on the set of her upcoming film “The Runaways,” in which she plays rocker Joan Jett.
While the pregnancy story is making the rounds on the Web, reps for Stewart and Pattinson have not confirmed whether there is any truth to the New Weekly’s report.
I’m thinking of writing my own Twilight fan fiction. In it, Bella gets knocked up by Edward because she’s too much of a stoned mouth-breather to make him use a condom, her dad finds out and kicks her out of the house, and she has to drop out of school. Edward starts acting all squirrely because he’s suddenly not sure he really loves Bella all that much, and ignores the notes that she leaves him, even though they’re written in blood. Bella gets all weepy and depressed and spends her days deep-throating Twinkies, gets super fat, pimply, then Edward chokes her and she dies of a broken heart shortly after delivering the surprise twins, which Edward promptly eats. The End.
Displaying the “pooch” and really bad posture during “The Runaways” filming:
This is Ashley Greene at the Rock & Republic Robertson store opening. Ashley Greene is in those Twilight movies, where she plays Alice Cullen. Twilight sucks hard like a Dyson vacuum, but you know what doesn’t suck? Cleavage. Everybody loves breasts, right? Right.
I do have one question, though. Why is Ashley having so much trouble just standing still? Why the hell are all these Twilight chicks so damn clumsy and awkward looking? When they’re in dirty jeans, Chuck Taylors & sloppy hoodies they do an okay job of keeping themselves upright, but stick ‘em in a dress and a pair of heels and all of a sudden they’re like giraffes with fetal alcohol syndrome. How is it possible that every one of these bitches always looks like she’s about to tip the fuck over? They can’t all be stoners, can they? Listen, there’s nothing wrong with smoking up once in awhile, but there is a TIME and a PLACE for rendering yourself the mental equivalent of a squirrel after a frontal lobotomy, and public appearances for YOUR JOB are not it.
Whatever. Boobs:
I’ve been ignoring this whole Runaways movie business for awhile, hoping it would just magically disappear. I’m not sure precisely where the flaw was in my master plan, but things went awry at some point and the movie version of The Runaways starring Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning is still happening. Stewart and Fanning are currently undergoing “vocal training” in preparation for their roles as Joan Jett and Cherie Currie, respectively.
I’m pretty sure that if you got a chimpanzee messed up on meth and put it on rollerskates with letters stuck to the wheels and then sent it skidding out into an oil slick, it could probably manage to stamp out a better idea than a movie starring a stoner Twilight retard and the little girl from Charlotte’s Web as the kickass chicks who sang “Cherry Bomb” and “Queens of Noise”.
Dakota Fanning arriving at a studio for voice lessons whilst playing dress-up in big girl shoes:
Kristen Stewart with her hair newly dyed black and cut in Joan Jett’s trademark shag:
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