Sarah Jessica Parker loves the smell of dirty diapers.
No, for realsies. It says so in Us Weekly, and if you can’t trust Us Weekly, then… well actually, you totally can’t trust Us Weekly at all. But Parker did say this:
“I love the smell of diapers,” she tells the December issue of Elle magazine.
Parker has been on double diaper duty after the arrival of her twin daughters Marion Loretta and Tabitha Hodge — who were delivered by a surrogate earlier this year — and she doesn’t mind at all.
“I even like when they’re wet and you smell them all warm like a baked good,” the Sex and the City star, 44, says, adding that she even says she loves “the smell of Balmex,” a diaper rash cream.
Gross. Like a baked good? The hell kinda pastries does this woman eat? Listen, the least disgusting thing that children ever smell of is drool, so this is basically like someone saying their favourite perfume is Eau de Merde. Which… different strokes, I guess, but dayum.
Jon Gosselin pocketed a nice chunk of change from “Entertainment Tonight” when he brought their cameras with him to twin daughters Mady and Cara’s birthday party yesterday afternoon. This would be the same guy who fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC last week on the grounds that filming the children was “detrimental to their emotional well-being.” TMZ says
Jon struck a deal with a TV show to allow it to film his kids’ birthday party — [even though] Jon doesn’t want his kids filmed on “Kate Plus 8.” Kate’s lawyer, Mark Momjian, tells TMZ, “I’ve never seen a greater hallmark for hypocrisy personified.”
Jesus Christ. At this point, even a fucking ground squirrel would make a better dad than Jon Gosselin. And they’ve been known to eat their own young from time to time. Ten bucks says a ground squirrel would have at least spelled his daughter’s name right on the damn birthday cake.
In full douche attire while arriving to the party:
Long-gone are the days of matching dress shirts and Sears family portraits — Jon Gosselin is whining to anybody who’ll listen that his soon-to-be ex-wife Kate is preventing him from seeing twins Cara and Maddy on their 9th birthday. According to the NY Daily News
Jon claims she wrote an email to [him] saying, “Due to recent events, it will be too stressful to the kids to have both of us here as planned. I would like to split the evening so they can see us both.”
“She’s trying to prevent me from seeing my kids on their birthday because she doesn’t want to see me,” the dad claimed. “She can’t tell me what to do. I’m not going to allow it. I’m just going to stay. I own the house so I can do what I want.”
As for how he will behave once inside the family’s $1 million home, Jon said he will act like “my old self, as an avoider and passive.”
Did you get that? He’s an “avoider” and “passive.” Ah, the comfort of the psychobabble label! Is there any warmer a teat at which to suckle away any sense of personal responsibility for one’s actions? No, seriously. I’m really asking. God knows the tequila I’ve been nursing for the last six years sure isn’t doing me any favors.
Kate making fun of her controlling mommy image on Jay Leno last night:
To celebrate their first birthday, singer Ricky Martin posted these pictures of his twin sons Matteo and Valentino on the beach on Twitter yesterday. Not to be confused with the pictures of him giving his signature “twins on the beach” reacharound with pina colada mix while cradling a guy’s balls in a brandy snifter full of sand. Unlike the sanctity of his children, those pictures are private.
People Magazine scored the rights to the first official picture of Sarah Jessica Parker’s and Matthew Broderick’s new twin girls Marion Loretta Elwell Broderick and Tabitha Hodge Broderick. Ten bucks says changing their diapers is the closest Matthew’s come to an actual vagina since passing through his mother’s birth canal forty-eight years ago.
Sarah Jessica Parker’s surrogate reportedly gave birth to twin girls today. According to TMZ
The babies were born this morning at the East Ohio Regional Hospital in Martins Ferry, according to [local radio station] WTRF.
The station is reporting Matthew and Sarah are currently at the hospital with the surrogate, and will make an announcement about the newborns later this afternoon.
I don’t know a lot about animal husbandry, but I do know that horses usually only give birth to one foal at a time, and in the rare case that there are two fetuses, one of them usually doesn’t survive the birthing process. Good thing Sarah Jessica didn’t try to carry the twins to term herself! That could have been a disaster.
UPDATE:People Magazine is reporting that they named the twins Marion Loretta Elwell Broderick and Tabitha Hodge Broderick. I guess “Future Dyke” and “Fatty-to-Be” were already taken.
The woman selected by Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick as the surrogate for their twin girls is a self-proclaimed “bisexual rocker.” According to the Daily Mail
Michelle Ross, who has previously acted as a surrogate mother for a New York gay couplel, is reportedly due to give birth in July.
Her MySpace profile reveals, ‘I have had pink hair and tattoos and spiked collars. My favourite shoes are five-inch black spike heels which lace up the front. I love metal and rock down to the bones.’
Michelle has a tattoo on one of her wrists of an overlapped pink and blue triangle, a symbol for bisexuality. On MySpace Ross identifies herself as ‘bi[sexual].’
Well, if Matthew couldn’t carry the twins to term himself, I suppose an ugly gay woman is probably the next best thing. The twins will probably never even know the difference, anyway.
With son James Wilke Broderick in the West Village this week:
So much for those rumors of infidelity and gayness — Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting twins! Only someone else is gestating and delivering them, thanks to Matthew’s adult-onset vagina allergy and chronic jazz hand condition. People Magazine says
The Hollywood couple, who already have son James Wilkie, 6, announced they’re “happily anticipating the birth of their twin daughters later this summer with the generous help of a surrogate.”
Well, you know how that old saying goes — “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make a man have sex with it.” Congratulations to the happy couple!
The most unconvincing display of heterosexuality since that time your drama teacher had to fill in for the gym coach back in high school:
Adult film star Jenna Jameson gave birth Monday morning to twin boys. Us Weekly says
Being able to give birth to two healthy babies is joyful for Jameson, a self-proclaimed devout Catholic. “It was all in God’s plan,” she told Us two years ago.
You remember God’s plan. It’s in the Bible. Right under “thou shalt not do black guys, neither do you anal” and “remember the wiener and keep it lubricated.”
British singer Lily Allen recently opened up (pun intended) about her lesbian three-way with identical twins. Processing… processing… and nope, I still don’t care about her. She told the Gay Times
“I did once snog identical twins in San Diego. I was on the sofa and I had them both. I was dancing and shoving my ass on one of them. That’s the only time, but I have lesbian dreams a lot.”
She might have called it a “three-way lesbian romp with twins,” but I have another name for it: incest. Really, I can’t imagine anything worse than doing the nasty with my own sister. Except maybe doing it with Lily Allen. Please excuse me while I go gouge out my mind’s eye now.
Brace yourself, Brangelinaphiles — Brad Pitt is going to be on today’s Oprah, and he’s going to be talking about Angie and kiddies! Squeal!Us Weekly caught a little excerpt from the interview:
Brad says “[My kids are] the funniest people I’ve ever met. And you know it really tells you — it’s a great mirror for yourself. It really tells you a lot about yourself and who you are and how you react to things. They make me better. They make me a better person as a father.”
Asked which of his six children is the funniest, Pitt tells Winfrey, “They all have their own thing. They don’t mean to be funny. Right now Shi’s in this thing. First of all, she only wants to be called John. John or Peter. So it’s a Peter Pan thing. So we’ve got to call her John. ‘Shi, do you want’ — ‘John. I’m John.’ And then I’ll say, ‘John, do you — would you like some orange juice?’ And she goes, ‘No!’ “So, you know, it’s just that kind of stuff that — that’s cute to parents and it’s probably really obnoxious to other people.”
Boy, little kids get away with everything. Babies especially. When those little bastards sidle up to a boob and clamp down on the nipple, it’s all “awww” this and “miracle of life” that. When I do it, suddenly “pepper spray to the face” is the only appropriate response. And don’t even get me started on crapping my pants in public. If I had a nickel for every time I was escorted off a commuter train with a pantload between my knees, I’d probably be an eleven-thousandaire by now. At the very least, I wouldn’t be taking the goddamn commuter train to work every day, I can promise you that. Surely children are the true kings among men.
Angelina Jolie in the December issue of Harper’s Bazaar UK:
After a slew of secret fertility treatments, Jennifer Aniston is supposedly gearing up to give birth to twins sometime next year. Just like a certain-someone-who-must-not-be-named! According to Star Magazine
[Jen's] doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She and John are doing a lot of yoga together, and Jen makes sure to do specific poses to help her get pregnant. She’s taking a lot of folic acid and has upped her intake of milk and beef — all of which are supposed to increase your chances of having twins. She’s even eating cassava root, because women in Africa who consume it have the highest rate of conceived twins.
Because there’s no better reason to have children than out of spite directed at an ex’s new lover. If you’re not already having them to, say, salvage your failing marriage or for the tax credit and WIC checks. Like they say in Africa, “one baby in the hand is worth a three-goat-and-two-chicken dowry in the bush!” Also “revenge is a dish best served on a big pile of afterbirth” and “HIV is a myth.” Now you know why nobody ever goes to Africa.
