In his interview with Playboy, John Mayer said a number of disturbing things: that Jessica Simpson is the sexual equivalent of crack and napalm; that his penis is a white supremacist; and last, but certainly not least, that he has his very own “nigger pass.” He said it, not me.

MAYER: Black people love me. Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’” Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

And after giving his publicist a round of severe heart palpitations and stomach uclers, John decided he might have overstepped his bounds in the interview. He tweeted yesterday

Re: using the ‘N word’ in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it’s such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there’s no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.

And while I’m using today for looking at myself under harsh light, I think it’s time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews… It started as an attempt to not let the waves of criticism get to me, but it’s gotten out of hand and I’ve created somewhat of a monster. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don’t have the stomach for it. Again, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m equivocating: I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.

Ah, John Mayer! Putting the “twit” back in “twitter.” But as much as I hate to admit it, he’s right, you know. You can’t intellectualize that word. It’s simply too lèse majesté for American taste. Now, “porch monkey” or “spear chucker” you could intellectualize the hell out of. It’s all about choosing the right racial slurs in your public forum.

Apologizing at his show in Nashville last night:

If you’re a normal person and you like to do yoga and meditate and shit, you probably don’t have a 1500 pound crystal set up in your room, right? You also probably don’t pose for pictures while doing said meditation. Then again you’re not Spencer Pratt, who believes his every moment is meant to be photographed and disseminated to the masses. At this point all I can hope for is for the crystal to fall over and crush him, but I know that’s hoping for too much. You just know he wouldn’t go that easily. After a nuclear holocaust, all that would survive would be him, roaches, and Mexican radio stations.

Tila Tequila is disgusting for many reasons.  She’s a plastic whorey troll who looks like an alien, she’s dumber than a box of hair, she sluts it up for anyone who will stand still for two consecutive seconds, she’s a compulsive liar, and she will do literally anything for attention.  None of this is new, but what’s new is that she’s currently spiraling into a complete psychotic break.

Tila’s always been pretty crazycakes, but she rocketed into batshit insane territory following the death of her “fiancée” Casey Johnson (whom she only dated for a month, by the way).  Tila’s publicist hit the limit of her patience and quit yesterday.  Since then Tila gave a weird, “tearful” video interview to Radar Online and has been using her Twitter as a live-feed documentary of her fall into genuine clinical psychosis.

First she decided she was an angel sent from God:

Listen u guys wanna know about Haiti? Let me tell you something right now. There will be more disasters to come. Even bigger! Warning signs.

I know how the world will end, and yes, it will end. Not in the way you all think it is, but it will end.

Everything you do now is totally irrelevant to what is to come. I am only here to warn you as God’s Messenger and Angel disguised as A Human

Then she said that God took Casey away because of some sort of fraternisation clause in the Angel etiquette handbook:

God took the Love of my Life away from me because I promised him that I was only here to do my job. But I fell in Love with Another Angel

So he took her away from me. That was my fault. I broke the rules of being an Angel on Earth as a messenger. We’re not allowed 2 fall in luv

With another Angel. Cuz it will distract me from doing my job of helping the world. The minute I fell in love with another Angel, I stopped.

God sent me here, but did not tell me how or what I needed to do, so just like all other Angels, I had to choose my path on how 2 blend in..

But now time has run out, I have no choice but to reveal myself and who I really am. There is no more time to waste. We must help each other

Then she tried to raise an “army”:

From me trying to stand up for Domestic Violence, Fight For Gay Rights & animal cruelty, Starting the #TilaArmy 4 those who are good pple..

I try as best I can 2 gather all the good people 2gether & help those that are in need. But as i said, I am only the messenger that u killed

Then she decided to “quit” Twitter:

These will be my last words and my last warning 2 everyone on Twitter. I pray for you & your loved ones. God Bless & take care. Off I go. xo

But that only lasted a few minutes, until she decided to become the Ambassador to Vietnam:

I wil be gone for a while as I have teamed up with some Ambassadors. My next step is to become Ambassador 4 my country in Vietnam….

Say goodbye to “TILA TEQUILA” as she is no longer needed & I have revealed my true identity. Real work needs to be done now. I must go.

Then she decided she was pregnant with GI Joe’s baby:

I have a baby growing inside of me now, & that is my new happiness in life. Happiness is something hard to find, but then again. not really.

That is the big news. Its no longer my brother’s baby as Surrogate mother. It is MY very own baby. Yes. MINE. Jayden came back to his Mommy!

Ps-I’m just happy cuz the baby’s father is a AMERICAN HERO! Served in the US ARMY 4 10 years & fought war in Afgan & got shot. He survived.

Now hes out of Army after 10 years and is now a fireman and EMT! My baby’s father is a HERO and saves lives & risked his own in call of duty

yes my babys father was in Afgan for 10 years & got shot many times. He survived. Casey wanted me to do invitro with him cuz hes a HERO! xox

Casey & I planned the pregnancy together, she wanted me to be the pregnant one, that’s why I did it & we picked a US VET HERO!!! SO blessed!

Then she thought she’d retire from the public eye:

New picture. Next Chapter. Time to move on & shut media out of my personal life. I will only let u in so far & now its back 2 business. xo

Which lasted about three hours, until she went back to planning her ambassadorship:

Great news! I am currently starting my process 2 become Ambassador of Vietnam! Fingers crossed! My other Ambassador friend I know R helping

As Ambassador 4 Vietnam I’ll do SO much 2 help my country! I will help them THRIVE & flourish! In honor of all my ancestors who died in war!

This was ALL within the last 24 hours, and she’s currently nattering about being in a “hardcore” CNN interview tonight.  This is seriously way too much crazy for me to take in.  Based on her Twitter feed, Tila Tequila never sleeps for more than a couple hours at a time, has no friends, never goes anywhere or does anything besides Tweet and pose for pictures, and is crazier than a shithouse rat.  I don’t know if she’s high as hell every minute of her life, if she’s genuinely insane, or if it’s all just the world’s most ceaselessly obnoxious cry for attention, but I am done.  DONE.

I’m never, ever talking about Tila Tequila again.  Maybe on the day she dies for realsies I’ll talk about it so we can all celebrate a little, but until then she is DEAD TO ME.  I don’t know how Abby and Sonya feel about it, and maybe they’ll still cover Tila Tequila’s crazy shenanigans, but after the last ten days I just cannot HANDLE her ass anymore.

These are cheap-ass looking candles. These are candles that Heidi Montag made. Heidi Montag is super duper proud that she can buy candles, buy ribbon and stick them together. She’s so super proud of her crafting prowess that she posted a picture of them on her Twitter page with the comment,”Making holiday candles I’m feeling like @MarthaStewart!!” To which someone replied, “Wait. what do you mean ‘making holiday candles’? You just tied a ribbon around an alreay made candle, correct? Martha woulda collected the bees wax from her own colony of bees.” BWAH HA HA HA! Burn.

It’s just another day of crime-fighting for Superdad Michael Lohan! I’m assuming he’s trying to prove that he really isn’t the world’s worst dad alive by fighting Lindsay-imposters on Twitter.  Says Digital Spy,

According to WENN, the father of Mean Girls star Lindsay is reportedly fed up with people pretending to be her on the social networking website.

His first tweet on Sunday read: “This is the Real Michael Lohan – all others who pretend to be me are frauds. Upon my attorney’s advice, I have opened this account.”

In order to convince any remaining skeptics, Michael then posted a photo of himself holding a sign that stated his name.

He has already begun going after the online hoaxers, sending a message to one fake Lindsay that read: “Don’t know who you are but my attorneys and Twitter will find out. You’re looking at civil and criminal charges shortly.”

My god, is he embarrassing or what? But I don’t know which is more pathetic–that he’s threatening to bring the fuzz on some idiots having a little harmless fun, or that he thinks someone would want to pretend to be him.

So, you’re a man, and you go to the firing range to chill out, blow off some steam, maybe. What other activity might you engage in in between firing off a few rounds? Do you:
A. Burp
B. Scratch your balls
C. Ask the instructor for some tips
D. Pose like a pansy for some pictures and upload them to Twitter.

If you’re Spencer Pratt, you most energetically circle D. I’m still waiting for the next photo, where his firearm accidentally discharges while he pretends to suck it off. I’m waaaitiiing….

In a move that is sure to devastate no one, woman-beater and giant pussy Chris Brown has deleted his Twatter Twitter account. Gasp! The horror! Popeater recounts the sad, sad tale:

Days after using Twitter to call retail giant Walmart liars for “blackballing” his new album from their stores (which they aren’t), Chris Brown has made like Miley and quit the micro-blogging craze.

Brown’s Twitter home, @mechanicalDummy now “doesn’t exist,” leaving fans wondering: what happened to Chris?

On Friday, Brown lamented that “major stores” like Walmart “r blackballing my cd. not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers. what the f–k do i gotta do.” He quickly added, noting that his words would certainly be publicized and used against him: “yeah i said it and i aint retracting s–t. im not biting my tongue about s else…”

He went to a Walmart in Wallingford, CT, where they “didn’t even have my album in the back,” Brown said. “Not on shelves, saw for myself.”

Well, Walmart came out Monday to say that they are, in fact, carrying Brown’s album ‘Graffiti.’ At the Wallingford store.

“We are surprised at the comments online,” read a statement released by the store today. “All Walmart stores nationwide have carried the CD since its release, including the Wallingford, [Conn.], store mentioned in the post. This store actually sold through its initial shipment over the weekend. The majority of our stores today are showing they do have copies available.”

Oops, looks like you made a royal jackass out of yourself (again), Chris. His deleting his Twitter account after being proven wrong is kind of like farting in a crowd and leaving really quickly. You may have left the scene of the crime, but everyone knows you did it by the smell you’re trailing.

That’s right, Chris, your shit stinks:

After her three-second trip to India to make a BBC documentary about child trafficking, Lindsay Lohan took to the interwebs to claim that she personally helped rescue 40 child workers in one day. She tweeted (which has since been removed, btw):

“Over 40 children saved so far…Within one day’s work. This is what life is about…Doing THIS is a life worth living!!!…traffiking [sic] is a big issue here, I’m doing what I can, and I will continue to do so as long as life when time permits it.”

But that’s not exactly how it went down. At least not according to the charity and local magistrates who led the actual raid after two months of careful planning. The NY Daily News says

Neither Lohan nor the British Broadcasting Corporation were present at the time of the rescue.

“She was not even in the country when this raid happened,” social activist and lawyer Bhuwan [said].

The operation took place hours before Lohan landed in India and a day before the actress and a BBC Three film crew visited the rehab centre.

Bhuwan [added, "Lindsay Lohan would not even] know where these workshops are.”

So Lindsay Lohan saved forty kids all by her lonesome? Ooh, I bet Al Gore and his internet are soo effing jealous right now!

Paying lip service in LAX:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Katy Perry gives a whole new meaning to “Deck the Balls Halls” in her latest attention-grubbing Twit Pic, and that got me thinking — what other Christmas songs could I callously pervert with just a few letter changes? But while I was rummaging through my old holiday 45’s for titles, a real-life a Christmas miracle happened: I realized that there were plenty of songs and carols out there that already sound dirty without my having to do a damn thing to ‘em. So naturally, I made you a list:

THE TOP TEN CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT SOUND DIRTY ALREADY

10. “It Came Upon the Midnight Clear.” Ejaculation jokes never get old!

9. “Here We Come A-Wassailing.” I don’t know what “wassailing” is, but I’m pretty sure you follow it up with a Cleveland Steamer.

8. “Six White Boomers.” See Cleveland Steamer.

7. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.” Welcome to gangbangs, Victorian-style.

6. “Back Door Santa.” This is a real, actual song.

5. “A Virgin Unspotted.” Um, not at my house. High five!

4. “Little Donkey.” Anybody here ever been to Tijuana?

3. “The Friendly Beasts.” Ha ha, back bestiality jokes already!

2. “Ding Dong Merrily on High.” Because “ding dong” means “wiener!” When you’re 5.

AND THE NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS SONG THAT SOUNDS DIRTY ALREADY:

1. “Nuttin’ for Christmas.” I guess “Blow Your Load for Christmas” just wasn’t as catchy.

Rachel Weisz in next month’s GQ to stuff your stocking:

^{PHOTO SOURCE: Nine MSN}

It’s weird, but I actually think Lisa Rinna looks better without all the makeup and lip grease. Don’t get me wrong — it’s still disgusting no matter how you slice it (plastic surgery pun intended!), but in more of a “nurse, clean that afterbirth off the floor” versus “please pass the grilled placenta to Daddy” sort of way. You gotta try to see the good in every situation.

In a bikini (and in full makeup) this summer:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Thanks to her magic pills, Kim Kardashian is down from her playing weight of “fatty fatty boombalatty” to a healthy size 2. She tweeted on Saturday

Quick Trim photo shoot today in Miami! I finally feel I’ve reached my goal!

And that goal must have been “amateur photoshop pixel stretching.” Congratulations, Kim! You fuckin’ nailed it.

It’s like my mom always said — subtlety is for pussies. That’s why you should always remove your g-string using only the heel of your lucite platforms and take lots of bird’s-eye pictures of your own tits and post them on the internet. Coco: because waving a red flag in front of your vagina is just a little too cerebral!