It’s like my mom always said — subtlety is for pussies. That’s why you should always remove your g-string using only the heel of your lucite platforms and take lots of bird’s-eye pictures of your own tits and post them on the internet. Coco: because waving a red flag in front of your vagina is just a little too cerebral!

Coco is a great visual reminder that you can’t spell “classy” without the word “ass.” You also can’t spell “assertoric” without the word “ass,” but I don’t really see how Aristotlean logic ties in with anything here. Let’s try and keep it relevant, people.

One more of her other S&M outfit and a week’s worth of Twitter pics:

16-year-old Miley Cyrus has been voted 2009’s Worst Celebrity Influence, beating out the likes of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan in an AOL poll. Now that’s really saying something. Nine MSN says

Those countless photo scandals (both skanky and racist) must have finally come back to bite her on the bum because it’s Miley’s own peers who are voting against her.

The teenager scored a whopping 42 percent of the vote on AOL’s JSYK.com, a website aimed at 9 to 15-year-olds, wining the title of ‘Worst Celebrity Influence’ by a landslide.

Coming in second place and third place were Britney Spears and Kanye West respectively.

In other hot Miley news, it seems that Miley quit tweeting a few months ago because her boyfriend told her to, and now some lunatic has set up a website claiming she will EAT HER OWN PET CAT if Miley doesn’t start Twittering again (see a picture of the intended victim here). Not making this up. Miley Save Fuzzy says

The other day I asked myself: ‘What can I do to bring Miley back to Twitter?’ Then I looked at my cat, Fuzzy and realized, maybe Fuzzy can make the ultimate sacrifice for this cause. It was very difficult for me, as I sincerely love Fuzzy. But my mind is made up. I could always get another cat, but nothing can replace Miley’s tweets for me!

I’ve set a deadline of November 16, 2009, when Fuzzy will part with his life and become a meal. I intend to make a cat dish according to our ethnic cuisine. Fuzzy will receive quick and swift death and I’ll try to minimize his suffering.

How can Fuzzy be saved?

Simple. Miley Cyrus needs to come back to Twitter.

Let me tell you, I have never been so wrongly mislead by the tag words “Miley eating kitty.” Those bastards at MSN fucking owe me.

Miley making a bunch of stupid faces during her SATC cameo (more of her with Kim Cattrall here):

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Around midnight Monday night, Chris Brown took to his Twitter and posted a video montage of himself and Rihanna during happier times set to R.Kelly’s “The Way We Used To Be.” Coincidentally, his new video “I Can Transform Ya” just happens to debut on MTV today (which you can read all about in the subsequent posts). What well-planned nostalgic timing! MSNBC says

“I’m sorry y’all. Just had to post it,” was the accompanying text on the Tweet, and the post immediately following said, “For the fellas: showing emotion doesn’t make u weak … being honest makes you strong.”

I guess The Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” and Snoop Dog’s “Can You Control Yo Hoe” were just a little too uptempo for the vibe he was going for here.

Rihanna heading to a photo shoot in the Meatpacking District last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

John Mayer wants you to know he didn’t kiss a guy at a gay bar in Palm Springs.  US Magazine explains,

The singer, 31, took to his Twitter page to clarify tumors.

“Rumor check: went to gay bar in Palm Springs, yes. Had a blast. Danced my face off,” he began. “Someone there planted a kiss on me? No.”

Mayer — who once locked lips with celeb blogger Perez Hilton - then added, “I don’t like the story painting gays as unable to control themselves. Found the crowd even more respectful than in a straight club. You know who the most flamboyant crowd is? Straight, drunk girls. They’re like a bunch of little Charles Nelson Reillys.”

He is a goddamned LIAR. How do I know? He said he danced his face off, but from what I can tell, his fugly mug is still intact. Zing!

After weathering the beating Shawn Merriman gave her last month, Tila Tequila took to her Twitter page last Monday to announce that she has decided to commit suicide. Of course, she’s now backpedaling by password-protecting her page, as if that could magically erase from the interwebs all the stupid shit she tweeted and make everyone forget about her two-week death deadline. MSNBC obtained the following tweet:

“I am going to kill myself cuz I don’t want to live in a world where its filled with IGNORANCE! which majority of you ARE! & racists!”

And then there were these tweets (via Just Online Movies):

“It woulda been tonite I ended my life, but my friend caught me and stopped me. So I told him I will give him two more weeks.

No one can stop me. I am not depressed or unhappy! My life is amazing. It’s not about that though! God spoke to me and told me I am needed up there.

Dont be afraid of death as death is highly misunderstood. Death is very peaceful, serene, and welcoming for me. I have long awaited this.

We all have to go at some point in time, but my time is soon, so i can finally rest my mind. 2 more weeks and then we shall say goodbye.

I will give u two more weeks, but after that i shall be leaving. 2 more weeks until u weep for my life that has finally ended.”

Well, from what I remember from the movie, leprechauns always go for the retarded one first. That ought to make killing herself pretty easy. Plus, shooting a four-leaf clover in the ol’ kisser shouldn’t be too hard for a girl who’s made a career out of taking it in the mouth. It only makes sense she should die that way.

At Mr. Chow on Sunday, plus NSFW naked pics after the jump:

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Kim Kardashian’s fantastic new bikini body is the result of downing the diet pill Quick Trim. She tweeted yesterday:

‘I lost my last 6lbs fast & toned up! Loving Quick Trim. Quick Trim does a body good!’.

The best part is, she didn’t even know she was endorsing diet pills until a week ago. She thought her publicist was actually saying “Dick Rim” when she first signed on. See, that’s the trouble with using an Asian as your agent. That, and the way they’re always eying your pet beagle when you’re not looking.

Jessica Simpson’s beloved Maltipoo Daisy has become the latest victim of internet-savvy canids. It’s just a matter of time before they take over the planet Skynet-style . She tweeted yesterday:

“My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!”

Leave it to Jessica Simpson to take to the internet to make an appeal to a coyote. Well, I guess if they can read ACME manuals and make rocket-powered roller skates to chase down roadrunners, it stands to reason they probably know how to use computers, too. Remember, if you saw it on TV, it’s obviously true! That’s why I keep an anvil under my hat at all times and never look down when I walk off a cliff.

With Daisy in happier times:

Demi Moore has deemed gossip blogger Perez Hilton a “pedophile” after he put up pictures of her 15-year-old daughter Tallulah in a pair of short shorts and a titty-bearing top on his Twitter. Nine MSN says

Demi has labelled Perez a “pedophile” after he pointed out how skanky the clothes made Tallulah look.

“Anyone who advertises follows or supports Perez supports violating child pornography laws!” a furious Demi Tweeted after seeing the links. “Let me ask all of you, what is it called when someone is telling people to look and focus on a child’s ‘boobs & [ass]‘ while providing photos?”

Perez of course responded exactly like you’d expect an overweight insecure homosexual with something to prove to, Tweeting back,

“Expect another letter from my attorney, kitten. Xoxo. P.S. Bring it on, [bitch]! And thanks for drawing MORE attention to your daughter’s behavior and your parenting skills (or lack thereof). U r real smart! … I would not let my 15 year old daughter dress like that under ANY context. You are delusional and slightly senile!”

You know, Demi does raise a valid question — what do you call someone who makes a career out of putting up inappropriate pictures of underage celebrities (see here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here)? I need to know so I can update my business cards. I’m a professional now!

Pedophile pictures in question (courtesy Starz Life):

Lindsay Lohan posted these pictures of herself wearing vampire teeth on Twitter, presumably to land a role on “True Blood” or one of those shitty Twilight movies and prove she’s still culturally relevant. Well, she’s already got the sucking part down, if you know what I mean! Get it? Lindsay Lohan? Sucking? Ha ha! Look, it’s the day after Labor Day. I’ve already thrown up three times and it feels like every sound I hear is being relayed through a tuning fork jammed inside my brain. At this point, you’re lucky there’s even words on the page. And don’t think that’s some kind of promise, either.

Looking like death warmed over at a nightclub and airport in L.A.:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News, Bauer-Griffin

To celebrate their first birthday, singer Ricky Martin posted these pictures of his twin sons Matteo and Valentino on the beach on Twitter yesterday. Not to be confused with the pictures of him giving his signature “twins on the beach” reacharound with pina colada mix while cradling a guy’s balls in a brandy snifter full of sand. Unlike the sanctity of his children, those pictures are private.

A crew member put up several behind-the-scenes shots of Bar Rafaeli’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition shoot on Twitter today. The Daily Mail says

Bar Refaeli didn’t disappoint as she posed for the 2010 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition in several bikinis throughout the course of the day - and she looked fantastic in all of them.

The 24-year-old looked to be having a ball as she joked around with the crew during the shoot at an undisclosed location.

In one shot the model is pictured wearing huge sunglasses and in another she cheekily pulls down her bikini strap while posing with the magazine staff.

So gorgeous, smart, and self-effacing to boot? Some people might say she sounds like the perfect woman. Well, I beg to differ. I say sweaty, stubby and inconsolably bitter is where it’s at. Call me, boys!