Tyra Banks really brought her A-game to the Do Something Awards last weekend (click header for closeup). The A of course standing for “Argentinian lip dressing.” Or possibly “Androgynous dirt squirrel.” I bet Orlando Bloom is jealous that he could only grow a mustache half as good for Pirates of the Caribbean.
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Tyra Banks is shamelessly plugging her new book “Modelland” every way she can think of, even reenacting scenes from the book in crowded public places from which people can’t escape. You know what they say about captive audiences! The Daily Mail says:
Tyra Banks hit the streets of New York dressed as one of the characters from her new fantasy book “Modelland.”
Tyra and a team of models hit the subway to ride the 7 Train.
“They all piled on and started posing on the train,” said an onlooker. “She was wearing a glittery eye mask that made her look like a superhero.”
Tyra was also seen acting out the part of her character from the book [by "tossing] her drink all over the other models,” said a witness.
“The whole thing looked like some crazy street theater.”
The book — which was written by Tyra herself, not a ghost writer — is the first in a trilogy about the mystical world of “Modelland.” Think America’s Next Top Model meets Harry Potter, with a little 7th grade creative writing flair:
The series of books are based on a teenage girl and her friends [going] to a pretend place called Modelland.
“Every girl in the world wants to go there because it’s where ‘Intoxibellas’ are trained,” Tyra [said].
“Intoxibellas are drop-dead beautiful, kick-butt fierce and, yeah, maybe they have some powers too. But I’m confirming NOTHING! You gotta wait for the book.”
And those unconfirmed “powers” is what finally brings us to the Barbie Pegasus wing that’s over her eye during her Good Morning American interview. It’s like a Golden Ticket, but way stupider. She told GMA’s Robin Roberts:
“In Modelland, this fantasy world that I created for my novel, if you find one of these — which I call a Smize — it increases your chances of getting into the most exclusive school in the entire world, the school that creates the most amazing supermodels called Intoxibellas. It increases your chances 91%.”
Modellland? Intoxibellas? Smize? Come on. Even Snooki’s book was better than this shit. And it says a lot if you’re losing literary battles to Snooki. That’s like losing a pants-pissing contest to the Cowardly Lion.
Tyra Banks wore this lovely headpiece at an Eyes Wide Shut-themed masked ball in honor of Vogue magazine’s 90th anniversary yesterday. You’d probably never guess, but she made it herself. The Daily Mail says:
Tyra [showed] off her DIY skills with a fishnet veil she made herself.
Tyra Tweeted: ‘So FRENCH VOGUE mask is sum cheap FISHNET stockings I got n crazy store n Paris! I cut em up n made it y’all. N did my own hair n makeup.’
Fishnet stockings my ass. You know that’s just the netting from the ham she ate for second breakfast.
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
It’s not news that PETA is made up of a bunch of radical, deranged lunatics who act first and ask questions later, but this is hysterically inept, even for them. They used an unauthorised picture of Michelle Obama, First Lady of the United States, in their latest idiotic anti-fur ad. From People:
The latest ad, titled “Fur-Free and Fabulous!”, surfaced today picturing First Lady Michelle Obama– alongside Carrie Underwood, Oprah Winfrey and Tyra Banks– without the White House’s knowledge. When contacted, Semonti Stephens, a spokeswoman for the First Lady, tells PEOPLE of the ad campaign: “We did not consent.” As far as Mrs. Obama’s feelings about the PETA cause in general, Stephens says only, “Mrs. Obama does not wear fur.” PETA’s response? “The fact is that Michelle Obama has issued a statement indicating that she doesn’t wear fur, and the world should know that in PETA’s eyes, that makes her pretty fabulous,” the organization’s president Ingrid Newkirk told the press.
Oh sweet Jesus, PLEASE tell me this means the Secret Service gets to set PETA on fire.
On an unrelated note, what the HELL is going on with Tyra Banks in that photo? She looks five times more like an alien than she usually does. Her skin isn’t even a regular human colour. She’s mauve! Can the Secret Service set her on fire, too? Better safe than sorry, and whatnot.
I do not know, nor have I ever heard of, any real live flesh person who actually watches that talk show Tyra Banks does. Which is probably for the best, since Tyra’s quitting. From E!:
“This will be the last season of The Tyra Show,” she tells fans on her website. “I’ve been loving having fun, coming into your living rooms, bedrooms, hair salons for the past five years…[Your] love and support is always felt by me and it’s given me the courage to take more exciting steps in my life. So I thank you for that.”
The lights are set to go dim in spring 2010, at the conclusion of the fifth full season.
“My next huge steps will allow me to reach more women and young girls to help us all feel as fierce as we truly are,” she says. Among those projects will be movies, she promises.
Ugh. Oh my God, I don’t care. I’m so boooooooored. You can’t even help me feel as fierce as a baby hamster, Boring Lady. Jesus, remember back when Tyra had a little more meat on her bones and she was batshit insane? No, seriously, remember this?
Holy shit, Crazy Tyra was AWESOME. Crazy Tyra was as fierce as it gets. I might’ve cared about what business that Tyra was getting up to, but Skinny Tyra is dull as dishwater. I need for Tyra to go back to eating, like, deep fried bacon & mayo sandwiches, or whatever. Sandwiches as crazy as she has the potential to be.
Lookin’ scrawny and boring as hell at the airport on December 5th:
Since tomorrow’s Halloween, it just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t post a couple pictures of a celebrity in costume. Unfortunately, all the good parties won’t be until the weekend, so this is all I could scrounge up for today: Tyra Banks as a Kardashian on her show and as Kate Gosselin in Star Magazine. Bo-ring. Whereas I will be wearing a pair of fangs and two flesh-colored garbage sacks stuffed with disproportionate amounts of dry leaves around either side of my neck because I’m going as Count Sac-ulaTM for Halloween. Consider the Dick in a Box costume owned!
Hello my preciouses, it’s Sonya today. Abby will be returning tomorrow after she figures out how to remove caulking from her hair. Don’t ask.
In a world of unanswered questions, such as, “Will I have enough to get by on until my next unemployment check?” or, “What’s the truth behind the H1N1 virus scare?”, it’s nice that Tyra Banks is taking the time to answer that most burning-est question of them all: What does her real hair look like? What, you mean, she doesn’t have silky blonde hair? Oh, the shock. Someone get me my smelling salts. I don’t see why you’d constantly want to wear someone else’s hair all the time anyway. It’s kind of creepy. I imagine that she has a mirror-lined room with cases holding a bunch of living heads, and all she has to do to change her coiffure is scalp them. Who needs a hair stylist? Not Tyra!
Today is turning out to be dumb and boring, and I was going to turn this lull into an opportunity to discuss the vital importance of flossing because you really can’t put a price on a healthy smile and OH LOOK BOOBIES!
I don’t really know who the hell this lady is. Her name is Elisa Benitez and apparently she’s the Mexican Tyra Banks. I’d like to think that means she runs around shrieking about how she was rooting for you, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU, and then she shows you her fierce walk where she almost breaks her nose with her own kneecap, and then Miss Jay tells us we better work it like it’s for sale and the rent is due tonight, and then an insane blonde girl pees in an adult diaper and falls into a houseplant… and I kind of forgot where I was going with this.
You know that feeling you get when you’re walking past a crazy hobo who’s spouting gibberish? That sort of panicked, where do I look oh God he’s making eye contact feeling? Well, now you can suffer through that feeling without the inconvenience of being outdoors, courtesy of America’s Next Top Model. Tyra Banks stars as princess Snow White, complete with poison apples, gay Prince Charming and “the Good Fierce Witch” as she introduces the makeover segment of the show (around the 3:30 mark). It’s as fucking insane as it sounds. All that’s missing is the stench of urine and Wild Irish Rose and maybe a shopping cart full of aluminum cans.
Post-makeover swimsuit shoot:
Talk-show host Tyra Banks claims to have been terrorized the last few months by a gentleman sending letters and flowers and showing up at some of her studios unannounced. Cops arrested the stalker last week, but seeing as how his only crime is loving Tyra too much, they released him the following day. The New York Post reports
Brady Green, 37… arrived in the lobby [of "The Tyra Banks Show"] at 4:23 p.m. on Tuesday carrying a large duffel bag stuffed with magazine write-ups about Banks. Cops were called to the scene, where Banks said she feared for her safety.
But at 7:22 p.m., Green was back across the street… at a McDonald’s. Cops arrested him and charged him with stalking, harassment and criminal trespass. The next morning, Green appeared in Manhattan Criminal Court and pleaded not guilty to the charges. Judge Anthony Ferrara released him, but issued an order of protection for Banks.
Some people just confuse “pursuing true love” with “stalking.” Just like some people are “repulsed” by your collage of personal effects unearthed from their garbage and “terrified” of the shrine of photos of them shot with a long-range lens from rented room across the street. These are the same people that suggest “you take your Klonopin” and “pull up your pants” before “they call the cops” “again.”
The many faces of beautiful:
A blogger for Paper magazine named Fabian Basabe wrote yesterday that former model turned talk show host Tyra Banks crapped herself at Fashion Week. Now her hatred of pants makes a little more sense, doesn’t it? According to Gawker
Basabe was filming an interview in the W suite at the tents [when] a whole cadre of people barged in and kicked him out [because] Tyra needed to change her clothes… because of an “incident.” Apparently they had a spare change of clothes all lined up which made him wonder if it’s happened before. Basabe’s [used] the icky term “messed herself” [several times in his post].
Ooh, that’s hot. Well, maybe not so much “hot” as “warm and steamy and likely to chap.”
Tyra with unsoiled draws at the Jill Stuart fashion show February 4th:
I’m not sure what’s going on here, because I refused to watch the clip with the sound on. Best I can tell, Tyra Banks pulls her pants off and screams “Woo!” a lot while the audience explodes into thunderous applause. Thunderous being the operative word here. It probably has something to do with easing her unbearable inner thigh chafing or switching to an elastic waistband because it’s almost lunchtime. Anyway, everyone else in the front row immediately follows suit — probably because they don’t want to be swabbed in gravy and eaten — and then there’s more obligatory clapping and wooing and a couple of nervous sideways glances at each other. It’s like a giant Weight Watchers meeting, only with less pants and more fear-motivated enthusiasm. The Tyra Banks Show just keeps raising the bar for daytime television!
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