Sadly, the life jacket’s the most flattering thing Mischa Barton has on in this picture. Those shorts look like do-it-yourself bloomers made out of a gay sailor’s uniform.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Chloe Sevigny is not exactly what I’d call a beautiful woman. Hell, I wouldn’t even call her a good-looking man in drag. She makes Mrs. Doubtfire look like fucking Miss America.

Woody Allen, is that you?

I’m sorry, what was that? You’ll have to speak up. I can’t hear you over Nicki Minaj’s makeup. It looks like they snapped that photo the exact moment she realized that dark spot in her periphery was just the shadow cast from the rail of bronzer going down the side of her nose.

At the sixth annual Billboard “Women in Music” event in New York Friday night:

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PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Normally when you say, “Hollywood actress in a bikini”, that’s a good thing. Unfortunately if you’re Kirsten Dunst, it elicits a reaction less “Oooh” and more “Ehhhhh” or downright “Ewwww”. Porcelain skin works on some people, but if it’s attached to Snaggletooth here, it’s more like someone dredged up some pasty creature of the deep that’s never seen the light of day. I’d imagine that even if fair Venus emerged from the sea, she’d wrinkle her patrician nose and poke the offending creature with a stick.

In Hawaii:

I’m pretty sure that what KeSha calls “fan mail,” you and I would call “cease and desist letters.” I didn’t think they could make an uglier version of Brooke Hogan, but by God, the bastards did it. Chances are good it’s probably sterile, though.

On her way to a Terry Richardson event:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

If Tina Yothers and Sally Struthers simultaneously fell into a pit of irradiated bronzer near a nuclear testing site, forever bonding their two bodies and the radioactive bronzer into one monstrous singularity, you’d have Christina Aguilera at The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim launch party last night. I’m pretty sure only The Incredible Hulk can kill it.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Despite what the arm bruise and trailer park makeup suggest, this is not one of those Faces of Meth photos. It’s Kirsten Dunst at the L.A. Times Young Hollywood Panel today. I’m just glad somebody finally had the foresight to harness the titty-flattening prowess of a butcher’s smock and turn it into a dress. It’s really been a long time coming.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Kourtney Kardashian has some balls giving sister the side-eye, because she looks even stupider than Kim does. What the fuck is she wearing? Are those Chinese pajamas? Did somebody go all Scarlett O’Hara on a floral duvet cover? It still doesn’t excuse Kim’s dressing like a gay pirate, but like a wise man once said, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Preferably one covered in cobras and heavy enough to take out both of them at the same time.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I was so happy when I saw these pics because I thought somebody had finally taken a tire iron to Lindsay Lohan’s stupid cunt face. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when I realized it was just her shitty makeup. If it weren’t for all the gin I’d probably still be crying about it right now.

On her way into court today:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Boy, this must be why Linus never sees the Great Pumpkin. Christina Aguilera’s giant ass has been in the way this whole time.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Somebody finally better tell Lindsay Lohan that semen doesn’t have any tooth-bleaching properties, even though it’s a white paste. It looks like she’s smuggling in a row of golden raisins.

At the launch of Saints Row: The Third in Hollywood yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

You’d think Britney Spears would remember that she’s given birth to two kids before she put on an outfit like that. Those daisy dukes can’t even make it over her c-section scar.

On tour in Malmoes, Sweden yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures