Actress and former face of Lancome cosmetics Uma Thurman attempts “bordello sexy” in a spread for next months’ W magazine. The Daily Mail says

The 39-year-old smoulders on a couch clad in a feathered stole, and black stockings and suspenders in a photoshoot for W magazine.

The 39-year-old looks like a tragic actress on the way down the greasy pole of celebrity.

“Greasy pole of celebrity?” Funny, I always just called him “Mickey Rourke.” To each his own, I guess.

Bonus pics of Kim Kardashian in — what else? — a bikini:

You could just imagine yourself motorboating Uma Thurman at the 2009 Women of Discovery Awards yesterday, or you could pour five pounds of room-temperature ricotta into a pair of old wineskins and actually live the experience for yourself. It really doesn’t matter to me.

Uma Thurman was photographed slinging around a bloated belly while on a luxury cruise in Corsica last week, prompting the age-old Hollywood question: is the Amazonian actress pregnant, or just suffering from a protein deficiency that has resulted in a build up of peritoneal cavity fluid? The Daily Mail says

The actress revealed a rather pronounced tummy while frolicking aboard a yacht with her new fiancé Arpad ‘Arki’ Busson. While her expanded waistline is quite likely the result of a little lunch time indulgence, there’s no doubt it will set off whispers of a pregnancy for the 38-year-old.

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Uma Thurman, the face of Lancome’s fragrance “Miracle” from 2000 to 2005, is suing the cosmetics giant for millions of dollars for unauthorized use of her image. Lancome, in turn, is suing her right back, but not for being such a fish-eyed uggo who tricked them into hiring her in the first place. According to NY Daily News

[Uma] claims the company is using her old Lancome ads on Asian web sites and a Canadian billboard without permission.The company says… it never “knowingly or intentionally” used Thurman’s image, and that the Web pages were “inadvertently archived” and never meant to be publicly available.

The suit seeks to have a court resolve the dispute by declaring that Lancome did not violate Thurman’s contract and that she is not entitled to the money her lawyer has demanded.

Looks like somebody spent a lot of free time googling themselves lately. Hmm, Uma? Let’s look at the facts here. One: a Canadian billboard. Come on. Who even goes to Canada excepts Canadians and American Black Bears looking for a change of scenery? Number two: Asian website. The fact of the matter is 98% of all traffic on Asian Lancome websites ended up there by mistake while looking for naked underage Asian girls. The other two percent: Uma Thurman. Sorry, but you can’t argue with math, people. That’s why they use numbers in breathalyzers.

The stunning beauty on the set of “Motherhood” in New York yesterday: