One of the stars of TLC’s shit hit show “Cake Boss” was arrested for sexually assaulting a minor earlier this month. I was going to say “the dirty wetback-looking one,” but with that ensemble, it’s not as helpful as you would think. So I just circled him instead. TMZ says:

Remy Gonzalez — who is married to “Cake Boss” Buddy Valastro’s sister — is charged with aggravated sexual assault, sexual assault, criminal sexual contact, and endangering the welfare of a child.

A rep for TLC says, “We support Buddy and the Valastro family during this very difficult and challenging time… and as this doesn’t involve us, we will not be commenting any further.”

Remy Gonzalez is currently being held in Morris County Jail in New Jersey on $300,000 bail.

And just what is “aggravated sexual assault?” I’m glad you asked. It is legally defined as:

1. Sexual assault that maims, wounds, or disfigures the victim or involves a victim who is physically or mentally incapacitated

2. Sexual assault wherein the perpetrator is related to the victim by blood OR has supervisory or disciplinary power over the victim, e.g. a foster parent, a guardian, or someone who stands in loco parentis within the household.

3. Sexual assault on someone who is under the age of thirteen

So given the aforementioned legal definition and the high dollar amount at which bail was set, it’s pretty obvious whatever Senor Gonzalez did was just god-awful. Who knows? He very well may have raped his wife’s retarded 11-year old stepniece while burning her with cigarettes. I can’t really say. All I can do here is aimlessly conjecture and wildly speculate. That’s why it says “Making Shit Up Since 2003″ right here on my business cards.

Cindy Crawford for TSUM’s Autumn/Winter ad campaign, because she is neither under the age of 13 nor maimed by penetration:

Since I wouldn’t be caught watching a show where any Kardashian is starring, I didn’t know that there’s yet another sister to pimp. Kendall Jenner, at the tender age of 14, is ready to take her wares to market. And by “wares” I mean “way underage titties and ass”. Says Star Magazine,

Watch out Kim, Khloe and Kourtney — your little sis might be stealing your spotlight! But are the pics too much for a 14-year-old?

On this past season of E!’s Keeping up with the Kardashians, we saw the trio’s little sister Kendall Jenner express interest in having a modeling career. There was immediate interest from popular teen retailer Forever 21 and we saw Kendall do her very first photo shoot. But that’s not the last we’ll be seeing of her in front of the lens!

The up-and-coming model was photographed by Nick Saglimbeni last week, and she couldn’t contain her excitement! She later tweeted, “Just uploaded some of the pics from thursdays photo shoot! ” with a link to some of her pictures.

In the photos from the shoot, Kendall wears a skimpy bikini and heavy eye makeup, making her look way older than her 14 years.

Her older sisters seem to approve, taking to their own blogs or Twitter to praise the snapshots. Khloe wrote: “I CANNOT get over how unbelievable she looks. In my head, Kendall is still my adorable 2-year-old sister whose diaper needs changing LOL…when did she turn into a supermodel?!”

Kourt and Kim were just as excited, with the eldest sibling writing, “I am speechless. She looks amazing!! So proud of you, Kendall” and Kim predicting, “She’s going to take over the modeling world… you just watch!”

If the modeling thing doesn’t pan out, with her youthful, boyish good looks she could always do bacha bazi. I hear it’s big in Afghanistan.

From Kendall’s Facebook page and from Kourtney’s blog:

(more…)

Football Hall of Famer and “Dancing with the Stars” veteran Lawrence Taylor was charged with third-degree rape of a 16-year-old prostitute who was brought to his New York hotel room against her will. The NY Daily News says

A nervous-looking Taylor was arraigned on charges of third-degree rape and patronizing a prostitute.

The whereabouts of the teenager was not known, but police believe [her pimp] forced her to sleep with Taylor and gave her a black eye when she initially refused.

But when asked if Taylor knew the teenager he paid $300 to have sex with was a minor, Ramapo Police Chief Peter Brower said, “Ignorance is not an excuse to an individual’s age.”

This whole “sexual assault on a minor” and “punching a tenth-grader the head” thing is really kind of a downer. It’s not something I want to spend too much time dwelling on. So instead, here’s Tila Tequila, because if anyone ever deserved a rape and a beating, it’s her. See how it all comes full circle?

Cinco de Mayo is a week-long celebration at my house, so Sonya’s in for me tomorrow. Adiós, cabrónes!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Don’t you just love hearing an inspiring story of someone who’s overcome the odds, set his sights high and accomplished the impossible? Look no further than R. Kelly. Digital Spy reveals his secret:

R Kelly has admitted that he struggles to read.

The rapper added that he was inspired to write by one of his teachers in high school, Showbiz Spy reports.

“When I was trying to make it out here, I already knew, and I was stubborn about it,” he said. “I don’t even read really and I’m not afraid to say that. My cousins and brother used to tease me, ‘You can’t even read right. How you think you’re going to come up?’

“The only reason I graduated from grammar school is because I had a great jump shot. I went to high school and my teacher told me, ‘You will be one of the greatest writers of all time’.

“I believed. You [have to] believe it. You can’t believe [anything] if you’re hating. You can’t achieve [anything] if you’re hating.”

I swear I can hear “I Believe I Can Fly” playing right now. Nothing says “you’ve made it!” like having a penchant for having sex with underage girls and dousing them in your urine. It’s so beautiful I’m about to cry.

Here’s an enchanting video clip of Miley Cyrus on “The Ellen Degeneres Show”. It’s painful to watch Miley spasdically giggling and flopping around in her chair when Ellen starts questioning her relationship with 20 year-old Justin Gaston. Aside from it being a crime for a man to have sex with an underage girl, I think having sex with an underage girl who’s also mentally disabled probably earns you a place on the expressway to hell.