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The white Kaufman Franco dress Jennifer Lopez wore to the Vegas premiere of “Parker” fit like a sausage casing and featured clear mesh slits down either side so it would be blistering clear that she wasn’t wearing underpants. Just awful. It looks like a porn star’s wedding gown. I guess this is what you wear when your “No Panties, No Problem” t-shirt is still in the wash. Fashion FAIL.

She might have forgotten underpants, but one thing she didn’t forget was her makeup gun, which was evidently still set on “RuPaul” from last week. Strike two, Jenny from the Block.

Christina Aguilera gave a riveting interview to a pant-less Chelsea Handler on her show last night, in which she revealed that she is no longer burdened by the yoke of underpants. The Daily Mail says:

‘I don’t like to wear underwear,’ Christina told Chelsea Handler. ‘I like to be as free as possible at all times. It’s just who I am.’

And she added: ‘It’s empowering. It’s pussy power!’

Well, a lack of underwear would certainly explain what happened at Etta James’ funeral. Gross. That’s really one of those mysteries I’d prefer to have left unsolved, like the Easter Island heads or why someone would take a dump in a KFC box and leave it in my locker sophomore year. Some questions just weren’t meant to be answered.

9/11 would-be hero Mark Wahlberg had on a pair of shorts on his hotel balcony when he suddenly decided to pull them off and hang out in his underpants instead. You’ll note I did not include any photos of him in his shorts, in that they weren’t really pertinent to the story. Separating the wheat from the chaff is what I do best. Next to working in antiquated Biblical allegories into posts about guys in their underwear, of course!

Rihanna has replaced Megan Fox as the face of Emporio Armani underwear, and the first of the new ads are out today. They’re okay, I guess. I probably would have liked them a whole lot better if they’d actually used Rihanna instead of her avatar.

Bonus non-Emporio-Armani-sanctioned photo of her sucking her thumb here:

Taylor Momsen got all dressed up in her formal underwear for the premiere of Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never movie premiere. If I didn’t know who she was, I’d assume that the poor person working the projector hired a hooker to make the time more bearable.

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