There are some days where I feel like I’ve truly hammered my rapist’s wit into the culture of celebrity, that I’ve effectively satirized the current preoccupation with fame and excess and called it out for what it is. This is not one of those days, my friends. This is one of those days I have to accept that I’m the reason you can google “Courteney Cox upskirt panties pubes” and find this photo on the interwebs. Believe me, I’ve never felt better about myself.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Looking up Kate Moss’ skirt reminds me strangely of seeing the underbelly of a great white shark in a death roll: you’re simultaneously terrified and transfixed, and you’re not sure whether to wonder at the terrible savagery of nature, or curl up in a ball and cry. Your call.

Leaving a Lady Gaga private gig in London:

Chris Noth, Jason Patric, Kiefer Sutherland, Jim Gaffigan and Brian Cox all walked the runway in kilts at last night’s Dress to Kilt Charity Fashion Show in New York, but only Chris Noth gave us the gift of his ballsack. Mr. Big indeed. Try Mr. Goat on for size. It’s just too bad this wasn’t the SAG awards, if you get my drift.

Christina Aguilera flashed a little cooch as she posed with her new star on the Walk of Fame yesterday, confirming what I’d always suspected: Christina Aguilera has a Barbie vagina. Or Barbie’s lack of vagina. I’m not sure which. All I know is that life-size animatronic plastic dolls give me the fucking creeps.

Grade-A Ken doll fapping material:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Faggot extraordinaire Perez Hilton posted a picture of a panty-less Miley Cyrus exposing her crotch as she stepped out of a car on his Twitter yesterday, saying:

“If you are easily offended, do NOT click here http://i46.tinypic.com/2zre4pv.jpg Oh, Miley! Warning: truly not for the easily offended!”

And by “the easily offended,” I assume he meant “the police,” because Miley Cyrus is only 17 years old, which would make pictures of her vagina very illegal under current child pornography laws. Except, upon further investigation, she actually IS wearing underpants. The dress she’s wearing is white, and you can totally see the outline of her knickers through the material (I took the liberty of circling it for you in the photos below). And just like that, the chance for Perez Hilton to spend the next six months in prison slips through the fingers of the American justice system like so many handfuls of Astroglide. I guess we’ll have to settle for him living inside the prison that is his own heart, just like the retard in “Sling Blade.”

Okay, you closet Twitards, you’re about to cream your little sparkle pants because here is a peek up Kristen Stewart’s skirt. Or maybe it’s not her underwear at all, that could be The Real Thing.  She’s so damn pale, that could literally be the place where the sun don’t shine.

At an Eclipse Q & A session in Sydney:

I don’t know about you, but suddenly I’m hungry for a big Ziploc bag full of Amish Friendship Bread starter. Weird, huh?

Serving up flapjacks in Cannes last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Just why anyone gives a fuck about Silent Bob is beyond me, but it seems Kevin Smith’s being booted from a Southwest flight for being such a lumbering fatass and his subsequent twittering about it has everybody up in arms. Southwest posted their side of the story on their official blog today, saying

“Mr. Smith originally purchased two Southwest seats on a flight from Oakland to Burbank. Smith changed his plan and wanted to board an earlier flight to Burbank, [but] when the time came to board, we had only a single seat available for him to occupy.

The pilots then decided that Smith needed more than one seat to complete his flight.

Our Employees explained why the decision was made, accommodated Mr. Smith on a later flight, and issued him a $100 Southwest travel voucher for his inconvenience.

Southwest’s Customer of Size policy requires passengers that can not fit safely and comfortably in one seat to purchase an additional seat while traveling. If a Customer cannot comfortably lower the armrest and infringes on a portion of another seat, a timely exit from the aircraft in the event of an emergency might be compromised.

Most, if not all, carriers have similar policies.

But Kevin Smith denied he violated Southwest’s Customer of Size policy on his official blog, writing

“I fit in the seat on an Oakland to Burbank Southwest Airlines flight. I could buckle the belt. I complied with the Southwest Airlines standards… and yet they bounced me regardless.

[Their statement] was more insult than apology.”

And the NY Daily News adds:

In the wake of this, the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance is urging for a boycott of Southwest Airlines, telling “people of size to seek out and travel airlines that do not have such discriminatory policies.”

Yeah, you do that, fat people. That’d be fucking great. It’s not like watching the arm rest being swallowed by the doughy forearm of some sweaty mouth-breathing lardass whose flesh is spilling into your seat like overturned tub of ricotta cheese is something any of us are going to miss. I’d rather sit next to a hornets’ nest covered in cobras, anyway.

Hey, here’s someone with a BMI under 35 — Katy Perry (and her panties):

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

I know you’re all asking yourselves the same question I am right now — mother of God, why?! Pacific Coast News Online says

Venus Williams caused quite the stir when she chose to wear flesh colored shorts underneath her dress during her match against Na Li [of China] during day 10 of the 2010 Australian Open.

Venus took to her twitter to say, “I am wearing undershorts the same color as my skin, so it gives the slits in my dress the full effect”.

Oh, is “the full effect” what the kids are calling it these days? You might remember it better by its actual name, “a glimpse into the seventh circle of hell.”

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Rihanna had a busy night last night, performing at the Brixton Academy with Beyonce and Jay-Z before hitting up Nozomi for a little sushi, and then partying at Mahiki nightclub until 3am. And somewhere in the middle of all those comings and goings, she found time to make a replica of her lower torso entirely of chewed bubble gum and cottage cheese. I bet it’s a real conversation piece.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

I posted a link about the “So You Think You Can Dance” vagina flasher in the quickies today, but TMZ only had the one disappointingly censored picture of Contestant #22036′s crotch. There’s where I step in with a full sixteen seconds of slow motion audition video of what may or may not be a black person, possibly a Pacific Islander, flashing the judges as she wallows in the floor. Granted, she could just be wearing a brown thong or cursed with the kind of booty fat that hangs down low and gives the appearance of being labial in nature. I don’t know. I’ve watched it three times now and I still don’t see it. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t keep trying! That’s just my strong work ethic for you.

Sharon Stone gave the paps a little up-skirtage while vacationing in Sardinia this week. Although I’m not sure if it technically qualifies as an “upskirt” since she’s the one doing it to herself. Not to mention that there’s bathing suit underneath. And she’s 51. And scratching her ass. By my calculations, that’s at least four cases for disqualification right there.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin