Everyone and their uncle has a sex tape these days, and R&B singer Usher doesn’t want to be any different. Pretty soon couples will be passing them out as favors at weddings. Says TMZ,

TMZ was approached several days ago by someone claiming to have the sex tape. The person sent us a short video and two photos. We’ll keep this PG-13 and just say … the people in the video are both givers.

The video and photos are clear — it’s Usher and Tameka.

Sources close to Usher — without specifically admitting the existence of a sex tape — tell us they believe this video could have been among the things Usher had stolen out of his car back in December 2009. Usher reported more than $1,000,000 worth of jewelry and electronics taken — including two laptop computers.

Foster released a statement to … saying, “Would I sanction a sextape being out? Absolutely not. I am a mother and entrepreneur. Sex tapes or pornography would not be my lane. I have no desire to be seen in that way.”

I don’t know why anyone would want to watch Usher and Tameka have sex. He reminds me of a black version of the Mad Magazine guy. And then there’s Tameka herself. I would only hope that after sex, she’s also go through your hair and look for bugs.

A few pictures of Brooke Burke at the 8th Annual Stuart House Benefit, because gorillas humping is not usually pretty:

Usher got kicked in the face with a stiletto boot during his concert in New York last night when he made the mistake of picking an overzealous fat girl to serenade onstage. Radar Online says:

The R&B singer [invited a female fan] on the Madison Square Garden stage [during a performance of "Trading Places."]

The pair was engaged in an embarrassing bump-and-grind session on a chaise lounge when things got a little rough.

In an attempt to turn around and straddle the star, the fan lifted her leg high in the air and booted him with her high heel shoe.

This is why fat people should never attempt to be sexy. It always ends up with somebody getting hurt. They should stick to something they’re good at, like sweating and swallowing without chewing.

The American Music Awards were last night, but I didn’t watch them because I would rather watch zombies nom on brains (Walking Dead, anyone?). Speaking of dead people, did you know that as a body decomposes, it fills with gas, often resulting in the body farting and burping? I make this point because if you stuck a kazoo up a corpse’s ass, it would probably manage to make better music than what was being celebrated last night. Case in point: Justin Bieber swept up awards last night. Says Time News Feed:

Starting with Bieber, he won entertainer of the year, breakthrough artist of the year, favorite pop/rock male and favorite pop/rock album for My World 2.0. “I come from the smallest town in the world, of like 30,000 people; I never thought this was possible,” he gushed, before paying tribute to the late King of Pop. “I want to thank Michael Jackson, because without Michael Jackson none of us would be here.”

Hee-hee-hee. No music would exist without MJ? It’s the new music Gospel they’re teaching kids these days. “In the beginning was Michael Jackson, and the music was with God, and the music was Michael Jackson. He was God in the beginning. Through him all music was made; without him no music was made that has been made.” MJ 1:1-3. I think I hear all the music greats prior to MJ collectively turning in their graves.

A zombie’s smörgåsbord:

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