It’s no secret that Tom Cruise’s new movie Valkyrie sucks donkey, but Tom is doing everything he can to convince you to see it anyway — including bribing the critics. MSNBC says

According to a source with radio station K-Earth 101, the Cruise camp was willing to… offer a screening for anyone at the station and their friends at the Cruise home, if only they’d “say ‘nice things’ about the movie. “They offered to hold it in Tom’s home — they didn’t say if he’d be there or not,” the source says. “We just had to agree to say ‘nice things’ about the movie.”

Usually when you’re invited over to someone’s house and told to play nice, it’s because the kid you’re supposed to be playing with has a lazy eye and still wets the bed and you’re only going over there because your mom couldn’t find a sitter in time. All Tom Cruise needs now is an assortment of skin tags and some corrective shoes and he’s Tony Sprott from my third grade class.

The anti-Scientology group Anonymous planned to protest at the premiere of Tom Cruise’s new movie “Valkyrie,” staging a German camera crew and dozens of picket signs well within range of the paparazzi lenses. There was only one problem — the “Valkyrie” premiere was like ten blocks away somewhere else. D’oh! MSNBC says

Just hours before the premiere, group organizers realized that the event’s location was at Jazz at Lincoln Center, which is actually located at the Time Warner Center and not in Lincoln Center itself as they’d thought.

The difference of a few blocks meant a difference in police precinct jurisdictions, which in turn meant that they had to scramble to get a permit from the police to allow their protest (in the end, they did get their permit).

I don’t like to point fingers, but getting all the major details incorrect and then showing up at the wrong place with your dick in your hand just reeks of George W. Bush. I wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised if a hurricane rolled through at the end and killed all the black people and unemployment rose to an unprecedented 6.3%.

Valkyrie Premiere, Hollywood point of view:

Valkyrie Premiere, real world point of view: