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What does Vanessa Hudgens’ look say to you? Cleopatra’s grandma? Headmistress at Hogwarts? Oktoberfest the morning after? And she looked so good the last time we saw her, too! Ugh. God help the gay man who did this to her. Her Temperley London dress is too long (or possibly too short, I can’t decide) and too ornate for her tiny frame. It might have worked on someone like Cate Blanchett, but this is just not her dress. Nor is it her hair. I’m pretty sure the braid is actually an authentic piece of mooring line from Old Ironsides. Avast ye mateys! Hoist the starboard yard arm!

P.S. Check out her ridiculous corn chip nail tips in the gallery above. Linda Richman would be verkelmpt!

Style

Rarely will you find me endorsing a jumpsuit, much less a sheer nude glittery one, and NEVER will you find me endorsing Vanessa Hudgens, who generally looks like she fell out of Charlotte Russe and landed at Coachella. But then she showed up in Jenny Packham and screen siren makeup at the premiere of “On Frozen Ground,” and my whole world was turned upside down. I probably spent a good five minutes pondering the implausibility of it all while staring soulfully out the window. But then the guy behind me started honking his horn and yelling swears at me in Mexican, so I didn’t really have a chance to work out it all out. I’m still coming to terms with it.

Granted, I would have like the jumpsuit better without sleeves and her hair should have been up, but still… I like it. And I also like all the jumpsuits in the gallery above. Feel free to belt your jumpsuit to negate the unfortunate pajama effect, and steer clear of super-tapered legs and too-busy prints, but don’t shy away from jumpsuits altogether. Because as Vanessa demonstrates, they can really work in your favor.

31-year-old Christina Aguilera got shit-faced at the Samsung Galaxy Note II launch party last month and tried to convince Disney starlet Vanessa Hudgens to come home with her and boyfriend Matt Rutler for a night of erotic delights. Or possibly a night of eating frosting straight from the can. I don’t know, I wasn’t there. Radar Online says:

The fellow reveler said Aguilera looked like “a hot mess in black stretch pants and wrinkled white T-shirt. There were vodka bottles strewn all over her table… eventually Matt looked like he had taken on the role of babysitter.”

“She spent a lot of time on the dance floor gyrating next to Vanessa… the more Christina drank, the more her kinky side seemed to come out.”

But Hudgens refused to go home with Aguilera and her boyfriend of two years.

“Out of the blue [Christina] stumbled over to Vanessa and begged her to come back home with her and Matt!” the partygoer [said]. “Vanessa was taken aback but smiled and politely declined the offer.”

Nothing reinforces a relationship like twenty extra pounds, unchecked substance abuse and inviting a third person into the bedroom. In fact, in some circles, it’s actually referred to as “The Marriage Saving Trifecta.” I’m pretty sure Dr. Phil did a show about it.

Since I don’t have any way to gouge out your mind’s eye, I thought more pics from the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last night might help. You can play Angel with this gorgeous bra from Roberto Cavalli (or if you could use the padding, this bra from Mimi Holliday by Damarius is plenty sexy, too).

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Selena Gomez took to the red carpet at the premiere of her new movie “Spring Breakers” in a blush Versace Atelier dress that you or I could never afford in real life, but you could take this Reem Acra dress or this Herve Leger dress, wad up a damask table cloth, and staple it to one hip like a train. Making all my own LARPing costumes has really taught me a lot about design innovation. A good tablecloth can be a cape, a toga, a floor-length loin cloth, a wimple, Elvish robes, or a Jedi outer tunic. You can’t get that many costumes out of some dumb Versace dress!

It seems every day brings with it a new story illustrating just how pathetic Demi Moore has become in her desperate attempts to cling to youth. Case in point: Remember that party with the penis birthday cake? Demi does too, because she “secretly” was there. Hint: If you have to secretly attend a party, that could be a sign that you shouldn’t be there. Just a thought. Says TMZ,

Multiple sources who were at Club Icon on January 14 tell us … Demi was hanging out with her daughter Rumer and some young friends … mostly kickin’ it in the VIP section.

We’re told Demi was drinking Red Bull all night … a drink she’s been obsessively sucking down for years. We’re told she left with Rumer sometime after midnight.

A few days later, Demi was seen clubbing with Rumer around Hollywood … and on January 23rd, she was hospitalized after inhaling nitrous oxide in the form of whip-its, a drug that’s super popular with high school kids.

I feel bad for Rumer. I mean, it’s gotta be tough to have a mom who wants to tag along with you and your friends. They probably talk shit about her, and Rumer probably has to make excuses for her. It could be worse, though. They should be glad that their company is all that she’s after. She could looking to assimilate their organs and fluids in order to regenerate.

Vanessa Hudgens and Rachel McAdams at the premiere of Journey 2: The Mysterious Island:

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