It seems every day brings with it a new story illustrating just how pathetic Demi Moore has become in her desperate attempts to cling to youth. Case in point: Remember that party with the penis birthday cake? Demi does too, because she “secretly” was there. Hint: If you have to secretly attend a party, that could be a sign that you shouldn’t be there. Just a thought. Says TMZ,

Multiple sources who were at Club Icon on January 14 tell us … Demi was hanging out with her daughter Rumer and some young friends … mostly kickin’ it in the VIP section.

We’re told Demi was drinking Red Bull all night … a drink she’s been obsessively sucking down for years. We’re told she left with Rumer sometime after midnight.

A few days later, Demi was seen clubbing with Rumer around Hollywood … and on January 23rd, she was hospitalized after inhaling nitrous oxide in the form of whip-its, a drug that’s super popular with high school kids.

I feel bad for Rumer. I mean, it’s gotta be tough to have a mom who wants to tag along with you and your friends. They probably talk shit about her, and Rumer probably has to make excuses for her. It could be worse, though. They should be glad that their company is all that she’s after. She could looking to assimilate their organs and fluids in order to regenerate.

Vanessa Hudgens and Rachel McAdams at the premiere of Journey 2: The Mysterious Island:

There’s a new romance in the air for Zac Efron. No, he hasn’t come clean and just gone ahead and started openly dating men, but he’s getting warmer. Radar Online says,

Longtime pals Zac Efron and Rumer Willis are taking their relationship to the next level, an insider tells Star. They celebrated their new status with a romantic Turks & Caicos getaway in late December.

“Zac had been trying to win back [High School Musical costar] Vanessa Hudgens, but she’s moved on” with Austin Butler, as Star revealed.

Zac, 24, finally realized that the right woman had been there for him all along. “At first, they’d socialize in groups, then Rumer started going over to Zac’s L.A. house,” says the insider. “She’d decorate and make the place really home — then she began spending the night, and they’re acting like a couple. Zac told Rumer he’s developing strong feelings for her.”

Of course he’d have her over to help him decorate. The girl’s got a chin like a mallet. Don’t tell me that doesn’t come in handy when you want to drive a few nails in the wall to hang some pictures. He doesn’t risk getting his pretty fingers smashed, he keeps up the illusion of not being gay, and her, well, gay guys are great experts at girl talk, right? It’s a win-win situation.

The Beard That Got Away: Vanessa Hudgens sucking face with current boyfriend Austin Butler in Hawaii:

Here’s Vanessa Hudgens leaving her house, dressed up for the People’s Choice Awards. One can only assume that she’s duckfacing because she spent the last 30 minutes posing for shots for her Facebook and/or Twitter account. That only explains her mouth. I’m trying to figure out where the raccoon eyes and mass amounts of body shimmer fit into the mix. A duck/raccoon hybrid with a Tinkerbell complex? Of course, the real question is, “Can you still masturbate to these pictures?” I think you know the answer to that question.

If you don’t want people to stare at your lips, then don’t wander around holding your phone in front of them like some kind of stupid mouth monocle. That only makes it worse. It’s like stomping around yelling “don’t look at my tits!” while clutching them with both hands. Which, incidentally, I’ve been doing for the last two hours in front of the Kroger on 27th. It’s a real attention-getter.

Vanessa Hudgens in L.A. hiding her big fake lips:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

On the left is “High School Musical” star Vanessa Hudgens in Santa Monica yesterday; on the right, Jodie Foster in “Taxi Driver.” See if you can guess which one of them is supposed to be the child prostitute here. I tell ya, there’s never a pinball machine around when you need one.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Vanessa Hudgens didn’t just chop off her hair this week — she also packed about 15 pounds into those thighs. Most women usually save that for the second year of marriage.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

More details and unflattering photos are being released on what seems like an hourly basis in the Arnold Schwarzenegger affair scandal, the latest of which shows the striking similarities between Arnold as Conan the Barbarian and his then 11-year old son. While most news outlets are blurring the child’s face, you’ll note that I’m not plagued by things like “restraint” or “scruples.” No charge for awesomeness, folks.

Anyway, Maria Shriver reportedly hired divorce attorney Laura Wasser yesterday after it was revealed that the maid’s bastard child and Shriver’s own son were born less than a week apart. The Daily Mail says:

It has emerged that Mildrid Baena, who worked as the Schwarzeneggers’ housekeeper for 20 years, gave birth [to Schwarzenegger's illegitimate son] just five days after Maria Shriver gave birth to the couple’s second son.

Baena’s son was born on October 2, 1997, according to documents unearthed today.

The actor and his wife welcomed their second son Christopher on September 27 that same year.

A birth certificate lists Baena’s then-husband, Rogelio Baena, as the father; however divorce documents filed in February 2008 state the couple have ‘no minor children’, which suggests her husband had discovered she had been unfaithful.

And then there’s this disturbing, bunny-boiling tidbit from TMZ:

Mildred Patty Baena had an obsession with Maria… Patty felt she was naturally “gorgeous” and wanted to look just like Maria.

Sources say Patty would dress in Maria’s clothing and even wear her jewelry around town.

And there’s more. When Maria would leave the house in the morning, [Patty] would crawl into the marital bed and do the deed with Arnold.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is an international movie star, a world-class body builder and the former governor of the third-largest state in the Union, and this is the woman he chooses to have an affair with. He could have been caught having sex with an actual goat and it still would have been less embarrassing for him.

Brooklyn Decker and Vanessa Hudgens at the MyHabit.com party in NYC last night, because I can’t look at any more pictures of Patty before lunch:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

There’s nothing I hate more than rich white kids taping flowers to their tits and pretending to be hippies and whale-kissing moon maidens, so I’m pretty sure when I die, my purgatory will be a never-ending Coachella festival. And in this private hell, I’ll be stuck in between Tara Reid and Vanessa Hudgens while the Aquabats play “Pink Pants” for 27 hours straight. It’s really the only reason why I haven’t killed myself already.

Vanessa Hudgens here; Tara Reid after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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I wouldn’t take Vanessa Hudgens for the shy type. I’d just assume if you’re willing to do a spread-eagle into a camera lens, you’re not exactly a shrinking violet. But apparently I’m wrong! Says Digital Spy,

Vanessa Hudgens has said that it was “embarrassing” speaking to lawyers after a photo scandal in which nude pictures of her were circulated on the internet.

Last month, more shots were posted online, with one allegedly showing Hudgens kissing Zoey 101 star Alexa Nikolas.

Speaking on Capital Radio, Hudgens revealed that she found it more embarrassing discussing the leak with her lawyers than with her parents.

“The more embarrassing thing is talking to the lawyers and attorneys about it but, whatever, you deal,” said the High School Musical actress.

Hudgens also discussed her belief in spiritual crystals, saying: “I wear them around my neck on necklaces and stuff.”

I guess it would be kind of awkward (and difficult) to find professional replacement words for “lesbian tongue action”, “spread-open pussy shot” and “Myspace-style nude self-portrait”. Try putting those words down on a legal statement.

The same hacker who’s gone after Vanessa Hudgens and released those nude photos has his sights set on a whole slew of other celebrities. They do realize that they wouldn’t have to worry about that if you know, they quit taking nude photos of themselves? Says TMZ,

TMZ broke the story … the FBI sat down with Vanessa Hudgens Wednesday for more than an hour to determine how her Gmail account got hacked.

We’re told 50 celebs had compromising photos and videos stolen by one group, and one of the ringleaders has his fingerprints on every job.

Our sources say the hackers’ primary motivation is the thrill and challenge of it all — not the money.

Law enforcement sources tell us the FBI is closing in on the hackers.

A further update reveals some of the names of those 50 celebrities:

We’ve learned the ring has hit the mobile and other devices of Jessica Alba, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato and Christina Aguilera. We’ve already told you the ring also stole pics and video from Vanessa Hudgens, Scarlett Johansson, Ali Larter, Busy Philipps, Miley Cyrus, Emma Caulfield, Addison Timlin and Renee Olstead.

I of course would never be involved in something so low as hacking into people’s electronic devices and stealing pictures. It’s just so impersonal. I prefer to dress in camo, stick leaves in my hair, climb a tree and use my high-powered telephoto lens camera to peep in celebrity houses. Anyone can sit behind a computer, but not everyone knows that sitting in a tree above a nest of fire ants isn’t a great idea. That’s real world experience, people!

Until some more of those nudie shots are released, here’s some pictures of Stephanie Seymour in a bikini:

If you were wondering if those very explicit, censored nude photos really were Vanessa Hudgens, well here’s your answer. Her lawyers have got the cops involved! TMZ reports,

Vanessa Hudgens is angry over the latest release of nude photos on the Internet, and now cops are involved … TMZ has learned.

Hudgen’s lawyer, Christopher Wong, tells TMZ, “Vanessa is deeply upset and angered that these old photos, which were taken years ago, continue to resurface. It is particularly disturbing that whoever got a hold of these private photos seem to be intent on illegally leaking them out over a long period of time.”

Wong goes on: “We are actively working with law enforcement to determine who is responsible and to hold them accountable for their actions.”

I don’t know why she bothers to get all upset over it. It’s not like she’s not “leaked” photos of herself before. I don’t remember her threatening to sic her lawyers on anyone then. Getting mad that someone leaked naked pictures of you when you’ve already done it yourself is like feeding your dog a bunch of hot dogs and then being surprised when he shits all over your shoes. I thought I was giving my dog a nice treat at the time, but God almighty, that wasn’t such a good idea.

In April’s Shape Magazine.

The interwebs are exploding this morning (and by that I mean a bunch of unemployed 40-something-year-olds who spend all their time looking for nude celebrity pictures are all simultaneously masturbating) to new nude pictures of Vanessa Hudgens. I, of course, am excluded from the pathetic rabble in their perverted exultation. I post these pictures purely to comment on the sad state of today’s youth and their need for exhibition. That being said, you can count on me to post the uncensored pictures when they become available. I’ve been combing the internet for them since the wee hours of the morning.

Also seen kissing Nickelodeon star Alexa Nikolas. It seems the Disney whore factor is catching: