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A little over a week after her ex-husband announced his engagement to Vanessa Minnillo, Jessica Simpson announced that she’s getting married, too. So nanny-nanny boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo, Nick Lachey! Star Magazine says:

A rep confirmed the engagement on Sunday, just ten days after Jessica’s ex-husband Nick Lachey announced his engagement.

Jessica and Eric couple began dating in May and on Saturday, the singer was spotted flashing a [three-stone engagement ring that features a central ruby flanked by two diamonds] during an appearance at Dillard’s at Oak Park Mall in Kansas City.

Boy, there’s nothing like getting engaged out of spite. Unless it’s having a baby out of spite. I know it’s the only reason I have any kids. The child tax credits are just the icing on my bitterness cake.

Peddling her wares in person at a mall department store last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

In news that nobody’s sure to care about, former 98 Degrees member Nick Lachey and his longtime girlfriend are getting married. You can almost hear Jessica Simpson’s muffled sobs through the mouthfuls of biscuits and gravy. Radar Online says:

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, who briefly split last summer, are now engaged!

“We’re excited and incredibly happy about our engagement and we look forward to a wonderful future together,” the couple [said in a statement].

And in news you’ll care even less about, that one squinty-eyed country singer who cheated on her gay husband is marrying that guy she fucked while he was still married to somebody else. Vive l’amour! Radar Online adds:

Boyfriend Eddie Cibrian will now call [LeAnn Rimes] his fiancée.

Cibrian got down on bended knee recently, E! Online is reporting.

Their engagement news comes shortly after Rimes did an interview with ABC’s Robin Roberts to discuss the cheating scandal surrounding involving her ex-husband Dean Sheremet and current beau Cibrian.

Why would you buy the cow when you already get the milk for free? Especially if somebody else had already bought the cow first and it wouldn’t give them any milk, but practically hosed down the next thing with a penis that came within twenty feet of the big fake udders they’d bought and paid for while they owned it. I’d say the only reason to invest in that cow is for the choice cuts and shoe leather.

Zzzzzzz:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

vanessa minillo nick lachey break up

The three-year long romance between Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo is over, or as I like to call it, “who the fuck cares.” According to Us Weekly

“They have amicably split but remain good friends who still greatly care for one another,” Minnillo’s rep [says].

Adds a source: “It was an amicable break-up. They walk away from it still friends. They still care about each other very much. This is what’s best for both of them.”

“What’s best for both of them” comes out of the business end of a Winchester 30-ought-6 rifle. My Papaw says that goes double for foreigners, democrats and horses with broken legs. That’s probably why he lives in a nursing home now.

Vanessa showing off her tits and Nick cheesing up some skank in Paradise:

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Christina Milian in the July '09 issue of Maxim magazine

I still can’t figure out who Christina Milian is, and as a matter of fact I’ve become pretty convinced that she and Vanessa Minnillo are actually the same person.  Have you ever seen the two of them together?  EXACTLY, my friends.  Case closed.

Christina and/or Vanessa in the July ’09 issue of Maxim:

Christina Milian in the July '09 issue of Maxim magazineChristina Milian in the July '09 issue of Maxim magazineChristina Milian in the July '09 issue of Maxim magazineChristina Milian in the July '09 issue of Maxim magazineChristina Milian in the July '09 issue of Maxim magazineChristina Milian in the July '09 issue of Maxim magazineChristina Milian in the July '09 issue of Maxim magazineChristina Milian in the July '09 issue of Maxim magazine

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Australian tabloid Famous has the other half of those irritatingly censored photos of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minillo bumpin’ uglies in a hot tub while vacationing in Mexico. It’s hardly anything worth getting worked up about, really. You could see a million more provocative images googling “Mongolian Breakfast” and “Tadpole Bukkake Knitting Needle.” In fact, I spent this morning’s HR meeting watching two dudes stuff their fists up some poor teenage girl’s pooper, and it was a lot better than any of these lame pics. Both fists, guys. Both fists at the same time. She was either in complete agony or loving every minute of it. I couldn’t turn the volume up while the director was talking so who the hell knows. Anyway, my point here is the human anus is incredibly pliable. And censorship is clearly for communists. Think outside the box, Bolsheviks! The anal revolution is here!

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