Trying to pick which Cruz sister is hotter is like trying to decide between having bacon or sausage for breakfast. You know it’s all from the same delicious animal… but still. Any fried meat enthusiast worth his weight in Lipitor would say the only real solution is to wrap the bacon around the sausage and stuff it in with both hands. So bon appétit, perverts!

Monica Cruz in Spanish Elle:

Penelope Cruz in Vanity Fair:

There was something different about Eva Mendes at the Venice Film Festival Wednesday night, and it’s not just that she’s not topless or covered in oil. Can you guess what it is? The Daily Mail says

The Hollywood actress looked far from her usual luminous self Wednesday night, [appearing] tired as she arrived for the premiere of the Italian epic Baaria.

Perhaps jet-lag was to blame after her long-haul flight from Los Angeles.

Well, from the looks of it, she was probably up all night packing the bags under her eyes. Cross-continental flights really require a lot of organization, you know!

Topless and covered in oil for this month’s Italian Vanity Fair, plus more saggy-baggy in Venice:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

The blokes across the pond will recognize Anna Friel from her role as Beth Jordache on the Channel 4 programme “Brookside,” on which she made British soap opera history by being the first ever to indulge in a lesbian kiss on the airwaves. Now here she is in next month’s Vanity Fair, breaking even more ground by not wearing a shirt while being photographed. It’s two bare breasts for man, one giant leap for womankind! Sandra Day O’Conner and Susan B. Anthony can suck it.

Hi, boys and girls! It’s Abby. I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome myself back into the fold and thank all of you for your prayers and kind comments last week. And thanks especially to Sarah, who somehow manages to raise the bar even higher every time I go away and makes it look effortless in the process.

But now it’s time to take the bar and fuck yourself in the ass with it, because I’m the one writing today. God, it’s good to be back! MSNBC says

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen’s star is fading.

The May issue of Vanity Fair, in which Bundchen appears nearly naked on the cover (and inside the magazine), is the lowest-selling issue of the publication in nearly two years.

Vanity Fair [confirms] that the issue sold only 280,000 single-sale copies.

“It might be that she’s losing her looks,” spokeswoman Beth Kseniak joked to the New York Observer.

Um, no. Gisele Bundchen isn’t losing her looks. It’s that thanks to the internet, naked ladies are now a dime a dozen. I see approximately 3,583 naked ladies a day without even trying. I can’t not see naked ladies when I’m on the computer. The scientific term for this phenomenon is “desensitization.” You might know it better as “if she’s not wearing a pair of plastic panties she just shat in and tethered to a one-eyed ostrich in a gimp mask, I’m not buying.” Thanks for the good times, Information Superhighway!

Jessica Simpson invokes old Hollywood glamour in a shoot by famed photographer Mario Testino for next month’s issue of Vanity Fair. While the photo shoot is lovely, the interview inside, not so much. The article begins like this:

[Simpson's] record sales, which peaked in 2003 when [Newlyweds] was in its prime, have fallen ever since — [her] country album sold fewer than 200,000 copies. Her movies: Blonde Ambition grossed $1,771 on its opening weekend; followed by Major Movie Star, which went straight to DVD, where it sank without a trace like a wounded ocean liner.

In short, it’s been a bad time for Jessica Simpson: flop, flop, country flop, fat picture.

She didn’t want to talk about her weight, so, of course, that’s all I could think of: What are you working on now [that you’re fat]? Do you see yourself as part of a class, with Christina and Britney [or are you too fat]? Do you feel that your relationship with Tony Romo has affected his performance as a quarterback [because you are fat]?

In short, it’s pretty obvious that Vanity Fair got her all gussied up just so they could have an excuse to call her a fat loser and publicly humiliate her in front of God and everybody. I swear, it’s just like my wedding day all over again, except nobody barfs in the punchbowl.

The signature scar running down Tina Fey’s left cheek is not the result of a wayward whip-cracking or a battle with a Jedi-trained Rattataki female like you probably thought. The NY Daily News reveals

The 38-year-old comedienne was attacked by a stranger in a violent slashing incident when she was five. “It was in, like, the front yard of her house, and somebody who just came up,” Fey’s husband says in an interview with Vanity Fair.

Fey says she doesn’t like to rehash the incident because “it’s impossible to talk about it without somehow seemingly exploiting it and glorifying it… I’m kind of able to forget about [the scar], until I was on-camera, and it became a thing of ‘Oh, I guess we should use this side’ or whatever.”

That just goes to show you the power of a name. Get knifed in the face and your name is upbeat and perky, chances are good that you’ll still live a life of success. Get knifed in the face and your name is something like “Solomon Grundy” or “Oswald Cobblepot,” and you’re going to end up plotting your revenge from a sewer with flippers instead of hands. That’s precisely why no comic book villains are ever named “Tina.” Fact.

Tina Fey in Vanity Fair:

A woman that is supposed to be Kate Winslet graces the cover of the Vanity Fair hitting newsstands this Friday, but those of us who are not legally blind will instantly realize that the woman on the cover looks nothing like the real Kate Winslet. Is the woman an imposter? An evil twin? Or just the result of hundreds of man hours of digital retouching? I’m going with “alien.” Professional airbrush artist Chris Bickmore told the Daily Mail

“There is no real detail in her face. Any detail or wrinkles have been removed. There are no eye bags, contours and smile lines. The whites of her eyes have been cleaned up and… her lips have been made slightly fuller as well. She has no lines or blemishes at all. There are no wrinkles or lines or veins on her hands and feet.

Her back and lower body have been pinched in to make her look thinner and to give her some curves. Her bottom has been rounded off so it looks nice and pert. Her thigh appears to have been made slimmer so it appears more toned. And in the shot of her sitting down on the front cover, her legs were made slightly thinner so they also appear more toned.”

You could put a fire hydrant in a wig and a dress and it’d look more like Kate Winslet than that chick does. The fire hydrant could probably do a more convincing Louisiana accent and keep its tits covered, too. High five!