You probably just assumed that Maddona was trying to hide old lady hands with those stupid-looking fingerless gloves, but the real reason she’s wearing them is because it makes gripping the necks of young virgins easier when it’s time for her to feast again. Plus I’m sure all that placenta she coats herself in makes it damn near impossible to turn a knob or open a car door. Anybody that’s given birth will tell you that shit is slick.

At the premiere of her new stinkbomb “W.E.”:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Sarah Jessica Parker and her hideously veiny hands left the comforts of her gingerbread house in the woods for the soggy streets of London yesterday, where she is currently promoting her film “I Don’t Know How She Does It.” I haven’t seen the movie, so I don’t know what exactly the “it” she does is, but I bet it has something to do with her ability to stir a bubbling cauldron and wield a scythe at the same time. It’s probably a lot harder than it looks.

What the hell is going on with Sarah Jessica Parker’s hands? I’ve seen roosters and velociraptors with less frightening talons. I think it’s pretty obvious that an old fakir put a spell on it to punish those who dare to interfere with fate. Don’t ask it to grant your wishes, it’s a trick!

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

If you didn’t think Sarah Jessica Parker could look any more repulsive than she did last week, you’ve grossly underestimated her hideousness. And speaking of hideousness, if you’re wondering why it is you can see every vein and sinew in her arm in the above photo, it’s because she’s topping the scales at a whopping ninety pounds. The Daily Mail says

The 45-year-old’s usually toned arms [have been] replaced by sinewy arms and bulging veins.

Friends are claiming she has become ‘obsessed’ with dieting and gym, leading her to drop even more pounds. “It’s normal for her to be at the gym for two hours every day as well as going for five-mile runs,” [said one source]. “And she’s eating as leanly as humanly possible.”

The 5ft 3in star is said to have dropped from [105 lbs] to [91lbs], meaning she has a BMI of just 16.1. [The minimum healthy range is 18.5].

If I saw something like that coming at me down the street, you’d better believe I’d grab a tire iron and whale on it like I was pounding a fucking tent post into the ground. I wouldn’t quit laying into it until it stopped twitching, and even then, I’d still jab it the eye with a stick a few times to make sure it was really dead. You never know when a zombie might attack. Hit first, ask questions later — that’s always always been my motto. Unless you’re black or an attractive female taking a shower, in which every horror movie ever made says you’re totally fucked no matter what you do. Sorry, but those are the rules.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

You know you’ve officially entered the realm of “disgusting old crone” when you have more visible veins than Slim Goodbody. All Sarah Jessica Parker’s missing in these pictures is a bubbling cauldron and a cupboard full of eye of newt.

Leaving her West Village apartment this afternoon:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News