Hideously unfunny comedianne Kathy Griffin turned fifty last month, but don’t think that stopped her from stripping down to a bikini for VH1′s Divas Salute the Troops. Because as you can see above, she very clearly did, despite all gravity did to try and discourage her. Us Magazine says:

Kathy Griffin admits, “My body is slammin’.”

But maintaining those curves is not exactly easy.

“It’s frustration and starvation,” the comic told E! News at [this year's] Grammy Awards. “I’m hungry all the time.”

What the hell is that up there? Is it supposed to be her ass? It looks more like my Pee-Paw’s earlobes oozing out of her bikini bottoms. All that’s missing are the liver spots and a sprig of white hair.

PHOTO CREDIT: VH1

Hi, boys and girls! I’m finally back from my incarceration vacation and I’m all ready to start dishing your daily dose of mindless crap. I hope you enjoyed your time with Sarah, because she’ll be back tomorrow while I’m in court, and possibly again next week, depending which way the jury swings.

But on to the crap: “Jersey Shore” star Nicole “Snooki” Pilozzi is currently in negotiations to star in her own reality show. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about the crap. According to Us Weekly

Snooki [is] getting ready to ditch her Jersey Shore housemates for a solo show.

The pint-sized MTV star [revealed] that she’ll soon helm her own Shot at Love-like reality series “Snookin’ for Love.”

“Definitely there is no set thing, but it has been talked about,” Snooki [said]. “I got offers from VH1 and other reality networks.”

Now, my Spanish is rusty at best — “Eso no es mio, senor” and “No estoy borracha” and “Quiero un abogado” — but I spent several hours in a holding cell in Mexico watching the Jersey Shore, and from what I can tell, it’s the story of a circus midget (Snooki), a post-op transsexual (J-Woww), a former prostitute (Sammi), a roided-out date rapist (Ronnie), the poster child for Axe deodorant body spray (The Situation), a Menudo dropout (Pauly D) and a retard (Vinny). It’s a intricate melange of circus freak and shemale, chest-waxing and penis piercing that only works because of the dynamics and interplay between the characters. Snooki sans the rest of the cast just doesn’t fly. It’s like a flower without any petals, or — more appropriately — like a testicle without any sac. 87% of bearded ladies and 74% Siamese twins polled agree: she’d be better off returning to the circus from whence she came. Fuckin’ circle of life, bro.

Doing some classic circus tricks for passersby:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Paula Abdul dressed up as her American Idol replacement Ellen Degeneres on last night’s Vh1 Divas Live, and it’s almost impossible to pinpoint the most shameful part of the performance, because there’s just so fucking many. Right out the door, at the 13 second mark, she emphatically lipsyncs words that aren’t there. Then there’s the 55 second mark, when she totally airballs an audience high-five. Not even close. But the worse part has to be the 1:25 mark, when she wraps up the dancing, plops down in the chair and says, “What are you all looking at? Can’t a girl try out a new job?”… and nobody laughs. Not for like five seconds. Then there’s some confused woo-ing and a smattering of applause, like they’re not sure what to do. Then she wraps that up with the 1:37 air-punch and the “hand telephone.” It’s like the television equivalent of hemorrhoid surgery. It’s that fucking painful to watch.

Bonus: Jennifer Aniston serenading the real Ellen on her show yesterday: