My Dearest Victoria,

Listen up, honey.  You’re wee and maniacal and totally insane and I love it all so much.  I have a long history of inexplicable fondness for your crazy ass so I will not be at all pleased when you drop dead of malnutrition, which will most assuredly happen if you do not EAT SOMETHING.

Look, I get it, okay?  You’re a skinny little bitch.  You always have been, and that’s fine.  You like being all orange leather stretched over sharp angles, and I’m delighted that you’re always so damn pleased with yourself, but you’re looking positively emaciated lately and I AM CONCERNED.  That clavicle; it concerns me.  Also, I’m not positive, but I think I can see your spine through your sternum and that shit just ain’t right.

KNOCK IT OFF.  HAVE A SANDWICH.  DON’T HOLD THE MAYO.

Kisses,
Sarah

Victoria Beckham leaving her hotel in New York today:

Don’t make fun of skinny girl Victoria Beckham! She might attack you with her Clavicle of Doom! Says Now Magazine:

Victoria Beckham is tired of people criticising her about her weight.

The former Spice Girl insists she’s not concerned about her small frame.

‘Of course I eat,’ she says. ‘I’ve been accused of not eating for 10 years. If I hadn’t eaten for 10 years, I’d be hungry…

‘I think there’s a big difference between someone having an eating disorder and someone who is controlled about what they eat.

‘I think I could do with putting on some weight but this is the way I am.’

Victoria admits she finds the jibes distressing.

‘I’m not anorexic or bulimic and I’m not a skeleton,’ she protests. ‘It’s so upsetting. I’m seven and a half stone. I’m very fit and healthy and I feel great.

‘I haven’t changed what I eat. I just feel my metabolism has changed as I’ve got older.’

“If I hadn’t eaten for 10 years, I’d be hungry…”? No, actually, you’d kind of be dead, Einstein. Of course you eat something. I bet she really chows down on some high-calorie watercress sandwiches, (hold the butter, cream cheese and bread). I bet she eats enough to sustain a 3 year-old Ethiopian. Nowadays, she could probably eat circles around Michael Jackson. Madam, you make me ill with your unbridled gluttony. I bid you good day!

It looks like Seaman Recruit David Beckham is all ready to set sea and anchor detail on the S.S. Gay Man’s Wet Dream. Bon ménage voyage, mateys!

With wife Victoria Beckham:

You might have noticed that there was something different about Victoria Beckham lately if you actually gave a shit about Victoria Beckham. Fortunately, British tabloids are here to illuminate those of us who don’t care. The Sun says

Posh, 35, saw a Los Angeles surgeon for her third boob job last month and had a set of implants removed to make her a smaller 34B… because she was sick of her busty WAG look.

Ex-Spice Girl Victoria had her first boob job in 1999, when a London clinic increased her bust from its natural size of 34A to 34D. Further surgery two years later took her to a 34DD.

A, D, double D, B… crooked letter crooked letter I, humpback humpback I. Yep, I’m pretty sure you just spelled Mississippi.

Okay, I know I’ve said this before (repeatedly) but I don’t think I can ever say enough about how much I adore the way Posh is so completely out of her goddamn mind.  I honestly can’t tell you what’s going on in these pictures — I have no idea where Victoria Beckham thinks she’s going in a see through top with a tutu-ish skirt and the stripper version of ballet slippers — but I like to think that at some point it will involve a burlesque version of Swan Lake.

Leaving her hotel in London:

Hi guys, it’s Sarah today.  There’s really nothing going on except for more of the same crap about Jon & Kate and Miss Homophobic California, and I would imagine you guys are at least as sick and tired of those people and their boring bullshit as I am.  So let’s take a minute to talk about Victoria Beckham and wtf she was wearing to fly into Heathrow, shall we?

God, I love how crazy Posh is.  I love how she looks like an orange android and dresses like she’s from a 1992 music video set 180 years in the future.  Normal people wear pajamas on airplanes, or maybe some yoga pants if they’re feeling fancy.  Posh?  Yeah, she’s dressed like what would happen if Elton John designed a militaristic Barbie doll for some kind of “support the troops” charity and then some Weird Science shit happened and it came to life.  Only angrier.  I love it all.  Also, I suspect at least one of her boys is folded up and packed neatly away in that ginormous bag.  I mean c’mon, Cruz would fit in there for sure, at least.

The only thing I’m not loving right now is how skinny she’s looking.  She’s always been wee because everybody knows she only believes in, like, Diet Coke and salad… but she’s starting to look a little rickety, especially around the wrists and collarbone.  Eat a sandwich, Posh.  Hell, even a Lean Cuisine.  Eat something.  You can’t waste away and leave me without the sparkle of your insanity to brighten my days, you heartless monster!

Arriving in London:

I have a hard time believing that Victoria Beckham could have possibly given birth to three kids. Where exactly did she keep them? If she swallowed a whole grapefruit she’d probably split open. But I suppose that’s the magic of plastic surgery and a diet of air and water. How do you suppose muscular David Beckham keeps from shattering her pelvis when he’s doing her? Maybe they duct tape pillows to each buttcheek (as it were) to provide a little shock absorption.

At the grand opening of the Armani 5th Avenue store in Manhattan, NYC.

Victoria Beckham has stolen a page from husband David’s book by stripping down to her knickers for a new Giorgio Armani advert. Half-naked insect women must be 2009’s Birkin bag! The Sun says

Her… first ever underwear shoot [is] for the fashion house’s Spring Summer campaign. The 12 million modeling deal follows the huge success of David’s eye-popping Armani campaign last summer.

Only David did it much better. See, he’s an international superstar athlete with the body of a Teutonic god, and she’s a praying mantis with hideous fake tits and skin like a thirteen-year old boy. I could put a pair of cantalopes in a Cross-Your-Heart and hang ‘em from a stop sign and still it’d be more erotic than this shit right here.

Victoria Beckham will be smirking at you in mild disdain from the January ‘09 cover of Harper’s Bazaar.  Read that article.  Seriously — the stuff about the shoes alone is priceless.

I know Posh is tiny and kind of orange and totally crazy and has gigantic fake boobs bigger than her head and she won’t stop cutting her hair in odd ways and she wears the most bonkers stuff she can get her wee hands on, but I love her anyway.  I have no idea why.  She’s just one of those people who barrels straight through goddamn insane and comes rocketing out the other side and slides right into amusingly charming.  I think it has something to do with the way she puts on these effing weird as hell outfits and then just stares into the camera, all, “Yeah.  This is nuts.  YOU LOVE IT.”  And I do!  I do love it.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I came home from a date with my shirt on inside-out back when I was in high school. I somehow never noticed it myself, but your better believe my parents did. Probably because they weren’t high as a kite. But for the record, I never, ever came home with my clothes on backwards like Victoria Beckham. Even I have my dignity, you know. I just prefer to keep it locked in closet between a under a crate of Wild Irish Rose so I never have to look at it. Just knowing it’s there is enough for me.

Returning to her hotel after promoting her new fashion line at Selfridges:

Kelly Osbourne’s my new hero. Check this out: NineMSN says,

Big-mouthed Kelly Osbourne couldn’t help firing out a round of verbal abuse towards fellow guests at New York Fashion week, lashing out the ‘fake’ friendship of Victoria Beckham and Jennifer Lopez.
“I know it’s not my place to say… but I’ve never seen two people pretend to like each other more in my life. They were holding hands, but it looked like Victoria was holding a s***ty bit of toilet paper,” she confided, not very subtly, to Heat magazine.

BOO-YAH! That had to be the highlight of the show amidst all the air-kissing and pretentious clothing. High five, Kelly!

Kelly Osbourne at the Marc Jacobs Spring 2009 NY State Armory earlier this month:

Victoria Beckham debuted a new short hair cut reminiscent of Halle Berry’s 2002 Bond girl ‘do at the Marc Jacobs show at Fashion Week in New York yesterday. Think kabuki-face Petunia Pig in a Frankie Valli wig. Grease is definitely the word here. I’d say the Pink Ladies just found their new Rizzo!