Something called Retro Space unearthed a 32-year-old Victoria’s Secret catalog which is NOTHING like the current incarnation, most notably because it features un-airbrushed women without overinflated lips and breast implants and twenty-five pounds of hair extensions. The Daily Mail says:
Unlike the marketing imagery we see today, the ’79 cast of models have uneven skin tones, slight love handles and even sagging breasts.
Muscle lines – which would normally be softened – are prominent, waists are not carved away, and tan lines, nipples and even pubic hair are visible.
It’s so nice to see a real woman. Today’s Angels look more like the cloners on Kamino than anything that could actually bear children. And that’s what it’s ultimately all about, isn’t it? It just never sounds as sexy when you frame it along the lines of the biological imperative.
My recent foray into bitterness and crappy Moscato got me to thinking: how could I possibly make myself feel even worse today than I did yesterday, even though I’m out of wine and lighter fluid? And then I thought, “Oh, yeah! How about some pictures of an airbrushed-beyond-perfection lingerie model who’s ten years younger than me and the very manifestation of idealized and unattainable Western beauty?” Yep, that does the trick alright. Like my mom always said, if I’m going down, then I’m taking all you fuckers with me.
There’s no better way to celebrate the first day of spring than by getting sprung, I always say. These pictures of Candice Swanepoel in the latest Victoria’s Secret swimsuit catalog ought to do the trick nicely!
Whitney Houston’s biological daughter Bobbi Kristina and her “adopted son” Nick Gordon went public with their relationship by shoving their tongues down each other’s throats in front of a bunch of paparazzi cameras outside a pizzeria in Atlanta yesterday. I should point out that “adopted son” is in quotation marks because Whitney never legally adopted Nick, but legally adopted or not, he still lived with them for the last ten years, called Whitney “mom” and was known as “Brudder” to Bobbi Kristina. Which means this whole thing is just fucking weird. Radar Online says:
Aside from the PDA Bobbi appeared to be wearing a diamond ring on her left hand, adding validity to [reports] that the two are engaged.
“Nick proposed to Krissy on March 10, and she said yes,” a family friend told Star. “Krissy said Nick is the only person she trusts in the world. They have a very deep connection.
While Nick and Bobbi, 19, usually referred to each other as ‘baby sis’ and ‘brudder,’ Nick confirmed their new relationship on Twitter saying, “Yeah we got a little closer and what!!!”
Yeeeah! Fun Fact: Now you know exactly what “Flowers in the Attic” would have been like if it had been written and produced by Tyler Perry.
Candice Swanepoel and Erin Heatherton on Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy Tour in NY on Tuesday, because they’re clearly in a relationship that is NOT unnatural and weird:
Remember when that cunty Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show casting agent said they would “never” use Kate Upton in a runway show because she was “too obvious?” Yeeeah… after seeing her in these ads for her new swimwear line, I kinda get that now. All those shorts are missing is a Mustang hood for her to straddle.
Chris Brown is an asshole, so it’s no surprise when he pulls some asshole stunt like snatching an iPhone out of the hand of a fan who dared to take his picture outside a club in Miami and then speeding off with it inside his car. Incidentally, Chris is still on probation for that beating he gave Rihanna, so if he ends up getting arrested for theft, there’s always a chance he could go to jail on a probation violation. TMZ says:
24-year-old Christal Spann filed a police report Sunday for “robbery by snatching” — claiming she followed Chris and rapper Tyga out of Cameo nightclub early in the morning and snapped a picture of Chris getting into his Bentley.
Christal told cops Chris flipped out when he saw her camera phone — then grabbed it through the car window, saying, “Bitch, you ain’t going to put that on no website.”
Chris then rolled up his window and drove off — $500 iPhone in hand.
No arrests have been made and no warrant has been issued yet. The incident is currently under investigation.
I see he treats his fans the same way he treats the women he dates. At least the guy’s consistent, right?
Kate Upton might have landed the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover, but Sophia Neophitou — editor of the “English style bible ’10′ and creative force behind the casting of the Victoria’s Secret shows” — doesn’t think she’s refined enough to take the runaway at a VS fashion show. The NY Times says:
“We would never use Ms. Upton for a Victoria’s Secret show,” Ms. Neophitou said by telephone last week from London. And, while Ms. Upton has, in fact, modeled on occasion for the company’s catalog, her look, said Ms. Neophitou, is “too obvious” to be featured in what has become the most widely viewed runway show in the world.
“She’s like a Page 3 girl,” Ms. Neophitou said, referring to the scantily clad voluptuous women featured in The Sun, a London tabloid. “She’s like a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy.”
Day-um. I think it’s pretty clear that either Kate Upton fucked Ms. Neiphitou’s significant other, or else Ms. Neiphitou caught her significant other jerking it to pictures of Kate Upton. The only way it’d be more obvious that she hated Kate is if she spat and made the sign of the cross every time she said her name.
Kylie Bisutti beat more than 10,000 hopefuls when she won the Victoria’s Secret Model Search two years ago, but she has since abandoned the company because she felt Jesus didn’t want her modeling lingerie. She said in an interview (via the Daily Mail):
“I just started becoming more uncomfortable with [modeling lingerie] because of my faith… my body should only be for my husband and it’s just a sacred thing.
I didn’t really want to be that kind of role model… I had a lot of younger Christian girls that were looking up to me and then thinking that it was okay for them to walk around and show their bodies in lingerie to guys.”
I personally think she’s rejecting her God-given talents, because breasts like those could certainly convince me to give religion another try. Hell, “Jesus Christ” were the first words outta my mouth when I saw this picture of her in a bikini.
In Maxim before her convictions ruined everything:
Everyone was expecting Madonna to pull some Janet Jackson-type shenanigans during her Super Bowl half-time show, but it was M.I.A. who crossed FCC lines last nite… by giving the finger. Oooh. ESPN says:
In front of some 110 million viewers on NBC and uncounted others online, she flipped the bird and appeared to sing, “I don’t give a (expletive)” at one point, though it was hard to hear her clearly.
The NFL and NBC wasted little time in responding. “The obscene gesture in the performance was completely inappropriate, very disappointing and we apologize to our fans,” said Brian McCarthy, spokesman for the NFL, which produced Madonna’s halftime show.
Ah, the bird. How gangsta of her. She must have assumed we all peaked in seventh grade detention.
Welcome to Victoria’s Secret model Candice Swanepoel’s office, or “St. Barth’s” as it’s known to the rest of us. Saying her life is better than yours is like saying Rosie O’Donnell looks a little like a female Nacho Libre. An understatement to say the least.
You know what I can’t say no to? No, besides a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and a bottle of Wild Turkey. Boobs. I’m not even that particular if the girl is attractive, but today I lucked out with Behati Prinsloo being the bearer of the breasts. I’d say more about her, but now that I mentioned ice cream, I’m starting to get hungry.
