In classical mythology, ambrosia was the nectar of the gods that begat immortality to anyone who drank it. It stands to reason that Ambrosio must be the stuff that comes out when one of the gods ejaculates perfection, because Alessandra Ambrosio is positively divine. Sure as hell beats someone eating your mother in fly form and then taking an ax to his head to give birth to you. That’s right, Minerva and her suit of armor can suck it!

Bikini shoot in St. Barths:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Boy, it sure would be nice to stand in front of a wind machine in some of the most exotic locals in the world while someone oils up my ass and another person arranges my hair extensions, à la Miranda Kerr in this Victoria’s Secret photoshoot. But no, some of us actually have to get up by ten o’clock and wipe the vomit/semen/tears from our pajamas and get crackin’ on another tough day of making fun of people on the computer. Some people have all the luck!

Somewhere fancy that you aren’t:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

This is the only known remedy for the fuckery that was the previous Adam Lambert post: lots of Victoria’s Secret model Marisa Miller in a bikini. Take two pictures twice an hour with a full glass of scotch and call me in the morning. Or don’t call me in the morning. Whatever. It’s not like any of the other guys I bring home ever do, anyway.

Marisa with some other models for a VS swimsuit catalog shoot in Saint Barthelemy:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Here’s a bunch of pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio (not) eating the same piece of cake for the launch of “Velvet-The Fragrance” at Victoria’s Secret in NYC.  After all, you don’t get to be a Victoria’s Secret model by eating, you know! You DO get to be a female sumo wrestler though. Ask me how!

Sheesh, Miranda Kerr has gotten awfully bony lately! Her new, skinnier figure might be due to an attempt to get into the world of avant garde modeling. Says Daily Mail,

The former Maybelline model - the world’s tenth highest earning model - has been much in demand for the lingerie brand, and for swimwear shoots for magazines such as Sports Illustrated.

But the 26-year-old Australian cut a distinctly emaciated on a fashion shoot for magazine Grazia in Sydney.

From the back she looked virtually unrecognisable as she posed in a tightly laced corset on the rooftop of the Museum of Contemporary Art.

Miranda’s ribs protruded, and her skin was tightly stretched across her bony back. Her thin arms also looked extremely sinewy.

The reason for the Australian’s sudden weight loss is not exactly hard to fathom.

It seems her ambitions to do high fashion modelling were realised earlier this month she made an appearance on the catwalk for Balenciaga, the fashion world’s coolest label right now.
miranda kerr

The model’s girl next door look was erased and she was unrecognisable in straightened slicked back hair and heavy catwalk eye make up.

In case you don’t remember, this is what she used to look like. My daddy always said that wasting curves on a woman was criminal–which I suppose is why he’s in the county jail for being a pimp.

Nothing’s official yet, but it looks as though Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are planning to get married. The Daily Mail says

23-year old [Kerr], who first started dating Orlando Bloom in late 2007, is now rumored to be engaged to the Lord of the Rings star. The couple looked extremely loved-up during a visit to Cannes earlier this week… and Miranda has been spotted wearing what looks like an engagement ring on her left finger.

Orlando Bloom might have starred in two of the most successful movie trilogies of all time and just laid claim to gorgeous lingerie model, but I’m not worried. Not at all. My day’s coming. Why, just last week my mom told me I was destined for a lifetime of fame and success. Only she used the expression “even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and then,” and instead of giving me a reassuring hug, she dumped my suitcase on the ground and peeled off in a cloud of dust and gin, but I know that’s what she meant. Sometimes you have to look past “words” and “actions” to discover the true meaning inside.

(Unretouched!) lingerie shoot and (retouched) VS swimsuit catalog pics:

This is some kind of photoshoot, or… I dunno, something or other for the Victoria’s Secret Swim Collection.  I don’t know what the hell Marisa Miller thinks she’s doing wearing a dress at a Victoria’s Secret swimwear photoshoot, but I can only guess that she hates you all since she so clearly refuses to do her job properly.

Overdressed with two random bikini models:

I can think of only two reasons you wouldn’t want to look at these pictures of Victoria’s Secret supermodel Adriana Lima in a bikini:

1. You’re gay

2. You don’t have opposable thumbs

Adriana’s super sexy swimsuit shoot for Victoria’s Secret Summer 2009 campaign:

You can always count on the sluts at Victoria’s Secret to supply us with a continuous flow of pictures for you guys to drool over. Miranda Kerr is smokin’ hot here, arching her back like the naughty little minx she is. Behati Prinsloo (never heard of her) is pretty but not as much as Miranda, especially in her weird circa 1995 sundress and fug clunky shoes, but I think she’s trying to make up for it to you fellas. See, she’s holding a bottle of lotion out to you to help you in your, uh, manual endeavors. She’s a giver! That’s gotta count for something!

It’s hard to believe that Victoria’s Secret angel Alessandra Ambrosio just had a baby. Just like it’s hard to believe that I could insert my whole fist into my mouth without the aid of lubricant and a horse speculum. But like French mathematician Blaise Pascal once said, “You always admire what you really don’t understand.” It’s okay if you just want to worship us from afar.

Shooting at Nikki beach, St Barth:

Victoria’s Secret Angels Marisa Miller and Sellita Ebanks took a little break from shooting their new ad campaign to have fun in the water yesterday. It’s kinda hard to differentiate when they’re working from when they’re taking a break, because it all looks exactly the same when you’re a model. Whereas I can always tell I’m not working. When I’m not wearing elbow-length plastic gloves and squeegeeing pig entrails into a floor drain, I’m not working. Simple as that. Maybe Selita and Marisa should try working at a slaughterhouse for minimum wage and learn the goddamn difference.

I always wondered what I would do if I could somehow stare perfection in the face. And then I saw these pictures of Victoria’s Secret supermodel Miranda Kerr doing a photo shoot St. Barts and I instantly knew. Turns out I shit myself and start convulsing in the face of perfection. Next time I’ll be more careful about sticking my tongue in the ethernet port and my fingers in the power outlet. Things don’t always taste as good as they look on your monitor, you know.