Dear. God. Why. The Daily Mail says:

In an nod to famous Japanese brand Hello Kitty, she introduces herself, saying: ‘Miaow. I’m Hello Courtney.’

She then jumps off the bed and crawls on all fours before eating and drinking from bowls on the floor and licking her ‘paws’ clean afterwards.

The camera then pans to her having a nap in a wall alcove, where she grimly pretends to cough up a fur ball.

Hey, did I mention she also pretends to crap in a litter box? Because she also pretends to crap in a litter box. The SPCA should have no trouble getting a court order to have her spayed now.

I’m about a day four days late and a dollar short on this one, but Will Smith totally backhanded an Ukranian reporter who tried to kiss him on the lips at the MIB III premiere in Moscow last Friday. As the video amply demonstrates, Will doesn’t go for that shit. Not at all. No, if a man wants to kiss Will Smith on the mouth, then he better damn well have bought him dinner and maybe a bouquet of hydrangeas first. Just because a man’s a closet gay married to a lesbian beard doesn’t mean he doesn’t need a little romance!

A sex tape starring male supermodel Tyson Beckford has surfaced and is currently being shopped around to the highest bidder, but before you get all excited, you should know it’s really less of a sex tape and more of just forty-five minutes of him beating his meat. TMZ says:

The seller insists the 45-minute tape shows the former Polo model pleasuring himself during a recent internet video chat with a female model.

During the chat session, Tyson makes references to some of the movies he’s appeared in … and talks about some of his co-stars.

So he jerks off for the better part of an hour. Big deal. Masturbation, like public urination or insurance fraud, is really a victimless crime at heart.

Chris Brown denied he was referencing the 2009 beating he gave former girlfriend Rihanna in his new “freestyle” remix of Kanye West’s god-awful “Theraflu,” but it seems the lyrics “Don’t fuck with my old bitch it’s like a bad fur/ Every industry nigga done had her/ Shook the tree like a pumpkin just to smash her/ Bitch is breaking codes, but I’m the password” pissed Rihanna off enough to unfollow him on Twitter (he later followed suit and unfollowed her, too. So there!). Digital Spy says:

Brown addressed the controversy in a Twitter post on Thursday.

He wrote: “Assumptions! I didn’t say any names so if u took offense to it then its something you feel guilty about.”

Yes, that’s right. It’s something YOU feel guilty about. Because you had so much to do with it. Seriously, your issues are really bringing everybody down. It’s time you accepted some responsibility for your actions.

Rihanna was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live this weekend, where she performed a stirring rendition of her musical masterpieces “Birthday Cake” and “Talk that Talk.” And by “performed” I mean “she slapped at her puss the whole time like it was swarming with fire ants and Japanese hornets.” But the real trick is coming up with a clever name for her new signature dance move so it will catch on. I myself like The Beaver Pelt or The Clam Slam, but I have yet to hear back from her people.

Rihanna and her visible nipple on the set of “Where Have You Been” (video after the jump):

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The only way you could make a video of this year’s Sports Illustrated cover girl Kate Upton dancing in a bikini unsexy is if you threw in some footage of a creepy balding sex offender and shot it the living room of his dead grandmother’s home. And here I mean “dead grandmother” in the “bludgeoned to death with her own oxygen tank and buried her under the floorboards” sense of the word, because Terry Richardson is a fucking weirdo. The video looks like something that Detectives Stabler and Benson would turn over as evidence to the prosecution on an episode of SVU.

That great disturbance in the Force you felt last night was actually the collective nerd-gasm of a thousand fanboys crying out at once after Warner Brothers released the final “Dark Knight Rises” trailer online yesterday. I guess this is the part where I’m supposed look away uncomfortably and pretend I don’t notice the bulge in your pants. Or as my stepdad liked to call it, “dinner.”

Christina Aguilera and her armpit fat performed on “The Voice” last night in what best I can figure is some sort of industrial-strength polymer girdle and a pair of platform boots that would make Lita Ford weep with delight. She looks like an if-they-mated Brooke Hogan and Snooki with premenstrual bloat.

One of my best friends from high school is at Coachella and actually got to see hologram Tupac perform with Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg in person. It may be the coolest motherfucking thing I have ever seen… albeit second-hand, on a slightly grainy video. In case you were wondering, she’s also prettier and smarter than me, too.

Nina Dobrev at Coachella just because:

Lindsay Lohan vehemently denied that she got into a shoving match with a girl at The Standard Hotel nightclub last week, claiming she was at home watching the 700 Club in her jammies or some shit like that when this unfortunate incident took place. Except the club has surveillance video, and the woman she shoved has already turned over photos of her injuries to the cops. D’oh! Radar Online says:

[The allegedly injured patron's attorney said]: “My client has given the West Hollywood Sheriff’s Department pictures of injuries that were inflicted by Lindsay Lohan. We are anxious to see the surveillance video which we feel will prove that Lindsay was at the nightclub and the evidence will speak for itself.”

“[My client] did nothing to provoke Lindsay, and she was shoved when her back was turned. Lindsay is blatantly lying, she was most definitely at the club that night… [she] came and left from the back of the hotel where there are no photographers. Just because she wasn’t photographed at the Standard doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”

Lindsay Lohan doesn’t look all that strong, but then cocaine can give you the strength of ten bears. And apparently, the radiant complexion of a truck stop hooker suffering from hepatitis C and urine scalding. Lucky for you, she never took off the one-piece.

At the beach with her even uglier sister Ali:

Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas went on the Today Show this morning to discuss that nine-page letter he wrote Mel Gibson alleging Gibson’s anti-Semitism ultimately halted production of “The Maccabees,” and revealed that he had both tapes and witnesses to back up the allegations in the letter. But wait! There’s more. Sharing-your-snuff-fantasies-with-high-school-sophomores kinda more. Radar Online says:

The screenwriter said he and his family went on an excursion to Costa Rica with Gibson, who told Eszterhas’s 15-year-old son about a violent sexual fantasy he concocted starring his baby mama Oksana Grigorieva.

“To put that imagery in a 15-year-old boy’s head I think is heinous, I think it’s vile and I think it’s unforgivable,” Eszterhas said, adding he’s got a recording of the “threatening harangue” and is undecided over what to do with it.

Eszterhas said Gibson’s conduct “in Costa Rica was so bad, my son Nick grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen and slept with it under his bed, he was so frightened.”

Asked why he continued working with Gibson, Eszterhas said he did not bring his family around Gibson from that point on, but was obligated to live up to his contract to pen the script.

Mel of course claimed Eszterhas’ letter was all lies and Jew propaganda in a response letter he sent the press, but astute readers will note that he still apologizes for all those things he supposedly didn’t do. He said in the letter:

The great majority of the statements and actions attributed to me in your letter are utter fabrications.

I will acknowledge like most creative people I am passionate and intense. I was very frustrated that when you arrived at my home at the expense of both Warner Brothers and myself you hadn’t written a single word of a script… I did react more strongly than I should have.

I promptly sent you a written apology, the colorful words of which you apparently now find offensive. Let me now clearly apologize to you and your family in the simplest of terms.

Yes, Mel’s just “passionate” and “intense.” Just like how I’m “Ruebenesque” and “vivacious,” not “morbidly obese” and “manic.” It’s all in how you rephrase it.

A “shocking” new video (watch it here) showing Whitney Houston’s daughter Bobbi Kristina smoking marijuana from a three-foot water pipe has found its way online. Well, not technically new. It’s new to you. The footage itself is over a year old and from when she was still in college. But it’s still shocking, because goodness knows none of us were ever pounding vodka and doing bong hits when we were freshman! Radar Online says:

Whitney’s 19-year-old daughter was partying with friends who attend college in Statesboro, Georgia in March 2011… “and she brought along a big bag of pot for the party,” a source at the party said.

“Between tokes, Bobbi was drinking shots of vodka and sipping a mixed vodka drink. With the amount of pot and alcohol she was using, I would have passed out, but she was still going strong,” the source said.

“Everyone is worried sick about Krissy … her aunt Pat got a number of her friends and family to come to Atlanta and have a serious talk with her about her sobriety,” a source said. “There were lots of tears, but Bobbi Kristina didn’t listen.”

Jesus. Her crack addict mom overdoses and her dad’s Bobby Brown, she’s dating her brother and smoking dope, and did I mention her dad’s Bobby fucking Brown? Honestly. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to say here that wouldn’t make it sound like I was picking on the retarded kid.