There are reports this morning that Mel Gibson’s mistress Oksana Grigorieva has given birth to his bastard child. Mazel Tov! Maybe they’ll call her “Sugartits.” Radar Online says
It’s official – Mel Gibson is an Octo-Dad!
Mel’s fiancé Oksana Grigorieva has given birth to their baby. And pass out the cigars because it’s a healthy baby girl.
And because Mel’s Russian lady-friend looks like she should be trolling the shores of a lake looking for children to boil in her cauldron or bake in her gingerbread oven, here’s Gwen Stefani dresses as Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl from Toy Story 2. Or possibly as anybody from Texas. It’s kinda hard to tell the difference most of the time.
Around midnight Monday night, Chris Brown took to his Twitter and posted a video montage of himself and Rihanna during happier times set to R.Kelly’s “The Way We Used To Be.” Coincidentally, his new video “I Can Transform Ya” just happens to debut on MTV today (which you can read all about in the subsequent posts). What well-planned nostalgic timing! MSNBC says
“I’m sorry y’all. Just had to post it,” was the accompanying text on the Tweet, and the post immediately following said, “For the fellas: showing emotion doesn’t make u weak … being honest makes you strong.”
I guess The Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” and Snoop Dog’s “Can You Control Yo Hoe” were just a little too uptempo for the vibe he was going for here.
Rihanna heading to a photo shoot in the Meatpacking District last week:
Rapper Kanye West posted a short Spike Jonze-directed film titled “We Were Once A Fairytale” on his blog on Monday and then promptly pulled it down, presumably because it sucks so hard. The Daily Mail says
[The video] follows West, 32, on a drunken night out. He is seen having sex with a stranger, projectile vomiting blood and then stabbing himself in the stomach.
At this point, a demon emerges from the depth of his stomach. The creature subsequently stabs itself with a small sword.
Slap a blond wig on Kanye’s stomach rodent and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what Lindsay Lohanwill look like in ten years. Except, you know, freckles instead of fur and probably more ball sacks in the background.
Last night was “Fiesta Latina” night at the White House, and President Obama got up for an impromptu salsa dance with guest performer Thalia. Well, judging by the way the First Lady refused to look at her husband when he tried to talk to her after he took his seat, she didn’t like it none too much. Well, you know how black men are–they love them some latinas! I hope the White House has some comfy couches to sleep on!
Michael Jackson’s troubles continue to follow him even after death. Singer/songwriter Paul Anka accused Jackson of swiping the song that he co-wrote. Says ABC News,
Michael Jackson’s new single, “This Is It,” was barely out of the box this week before singer-songwriter Paul Anka claimed that he and Jackson co-wrote the song in 1983 under a different title, “I Never Heard.” Anka told TMZ that Jackson “stole the tapes” from Anka’s studio, where he and Jackson wrote and recorded the song. “They have a major, major problem on their hands. They will be sued if they don’t correct it,” Anka told The New York Times. Soon after Anka’s threat of legal action, record executive and producer Jon McClain called to acknowledge Anka’s co-authorship and promise “all due credit and royalties.” The estate also released a statement that said, in part, “The song was co-written by the legendary Paul Anka.”
Well, if this isn’t proof that whatever talent Michael had earlier in life left him as he grew older and more bizarre, I don’t know what is. You’d think that if he bothered to steal it, it’d actually be good. It’s bland, boring, and lacking in originality. Watch it yourself:
Jon Gosselin pocketed a nice chunk of change from “Entertainment Tonight” when he brought their cameras with him to twin daughters Mady and Cara’s birthday party yesterday afternoon. This would be the same guy who fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC last week on the grounds that filming the children was “detrimental to their emotional well-being.” TMZ says
Jon struck a deal with a TV show to allow it to film his kids’ birthday party — [even though] Jon doesn’t want his kids filmed on “Kate Plus 8.” Kate’s lawyer, Mark Momjian, tells TMZ, “I’ve never seen a greater hallmark for hypocrisy personified.”
Jesus Christ. At this point, even a fucking ground squirrel would make a better dad than Jon Gosselin. And they’ve been known to eat their own young from time to time. Ten bucks says a ground squirrel would have at least spelled his daughter’s name right on the damn birthday cake.
In full douche attire while arriving to the party:
Remember when Joe Francis was accused of attacking Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole at Guys and Dolls back in August? Her lawsuit claimed that Francis assaulted her by “pulling on her hair from behind and violently throwing her to the ground like a rag-doll,” leaving her with a “black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, bruised arms and legs, and ripped-out hair.” To which Joe Francis responded
“Jayde Nicole is an absolute and total liar. Her prior statements about the incident are not only slanderous and defamatory, but actionable.
The only thing that Jayde Nicole is famous for is having a tattoo of the word ‘respect’ above her vagina… for which we all know she has none of.”
Yeah, not so much. The security footage from that night clearly shows Francis walking up to Jayde from behind, grabbing a fistful of her hair, then yanking her to the ground and sweeping the floor with her. Exactly like she said. Jesus, Joe Francis is such a faggot. Only vindictive drag queens and women in beer commercials fight like that. I’m surprised his maxipad didn’t fall out in the melee.
Long-gone are the days of matching dress shirts and Sears family portraits — Jon Gosselin is whining to anybody who’ll listen that his soon-to-be ex-wife Kate is preventing him from seeing twins Cara and Maddy on their 9th birthday. According to the NY Daily News
Jon claims she wrote an email to [him] saying, “Due to recent events, it will be too stressful to the kids to have both of us here as planned. I would like to split the evening so they can see us both.”
“She’s trying to prevent me from seeing my kids on their birthday because she doesn’t want to see me,” the dad claimed. “She can’t tell me what to do. I’m not going to allow it. I’m just going to stay. I own the house so I can do what I want.”
As for how he will behave once inside the family’s $1 million home, Jon said he will act like “my old self, as an avoider and passive.”
Did you get that? He’s an “avoider” and “passive.” Ah, the comfort of the psychobabble label! Is there any warmer a teat at which to suckle away any sense of personal responsibility for one’s actions? No, seriously. I’m really asking. God knows the tequila I’ve been nursing for the last six years sure isn’t doing me any favors.
Kate making fun of her controlling mommy image on Jay Leno last night:
After skewering himself in the monologue (video below), David Letterman publicly apologized to both his wife and his staff (video above) for his involvement in a Late Show sex scandal. He said (via Radar Online):
“I’m terribly sorry that I put the staff in that position. Inadvertently, I just wasn’t thinking ahead. And, moreover, the staff here has been wonderfully supportive to me, not just through this furor, but through all the years that we’ve been on television and especially all the years here at CBS, so, again, my thanks to the staff for, once again, putting up with something stupid I’ve gotten myself involved in.
Now the other thing is my wife, Regina. She has been horribly hurt by my behavior, and when something happens like that, if you hurt a person and it’s your responsibility, you try to fix it. And at that point, there’s only two things that can happen: either you’re going to make some progress and get it fixed, or you’re going to fall short and perhaps not get it fixed, so let me tell you folks, I got my work cut out for me.”
That’s nice and all, but I would still like to point out that Letterman has yet to apologize to you and me for constantly subjecting us to the mental image of his soggy sixty-year-old-man balls in action. I know my mind’s eye can’t even begin the healing process without first getting a proper apology.
I dare you to find something unfunnier than Madonna and Lady Gaga’s Saturday Night Live skit. Other than my last ten posts, I mean. That’s not really even trying.
UPDATE: Now with equally unfunny screen cap action!
David Letterman admitted on CBS’ “Late Show” last night that he had been the victim of a $2 million dollar extortion attempt by a producer at “48 Hours” stemming from his sexual encounters with several women currently in his employ. Letterman, of course, has been married to Regina Lasko since March, after dating her for 23 years, but in his defense, she looks like she should be in construction, or the very least a member of the East German Hammer Throwing Team. According to Variety
On the show, Letterman sat down behind his desk and [said he had] received a package three weeks ago from someone who claimed to have information about alleged sexual relations he has had with female employees of the “Late Show.”
“I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says, ‘I know that you do some terrible, terrible things. And I can prove that you do these terrible things.’ Sure enough, contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things,” Letterman said.
The host said the alleged extortion suspect claimed he planned to write both a movie screenplay and a book based on what he knew — that Letterman had engaged in sex with staffers.
Letterman said the individual threatened to go public with the allegations unless Letterman paid the person $2 million.
The host, under advisement of his attorney, met with the man on three different occasions. According to Letterman, the suspect even made it clear he knew what he was doing was illegal.
Letterman told his audience that he then contacted the Manhattan District Attorney’s Special Prosecution Bureau. The meeting with the D.A. led to a sting operation, in which Letterman met with the individual and handed the person a fake $2 million check. That person was arrested on Thursday.
$2 million? Are you kidding me? In this economy? If the extortionist had kept it reasonable, say, $500,000 and maybe the property rights to Paul Shaffer, he would have his money and his little muppet, too. Now all he’ll have to keep him company are Angelo the Serial Stabber and the nickname “Cream of Meat.”
File this one under “No Thanks”: a Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel sex tape is being shopped around on the interwebs. Oh No They Didn’t says
According to an anonymous source, the former couple (Sarah is now dating Rob Huebel) recorded a 15-minute tape while on vacation a few years ago, but forgot the camera in the resort room - a worker at the resort is now shopping around the tape of the couple allegedly having sex.
Ew. If I want to see some flabby dude sweating all over a hairy ugly chick, I’ll just tie a pound cake to my stepmom and let my dad chase her around until his heart gives out. Won’t cost me a dime, and I still get the same effect. Incapacitating nausea is what we’re going for here, right?
